But despite this new resolve, little by little, all the good, warm feelings she’d gained from the service began to slowly drift away. In their place were a multitude of misgivings.
As she picked up her pace, encouraging the girls to run along in front of her, Emma felt even more flustered. Maybe hosting this meal actually had been a mistake. Maybe she should have listened to her head instead of her heart.
Oh, if only it were that easy.
AGREEING TO GO TO the Keims’ house after church was a huge mistake.
As Jay walked down Kaufmann Avenue with Mark and William on the way to lunch at Emma’s, he felt as if every person they passed was watching them with interest—and an occasional sly, knowing look. And who could blame them?
Word had spread around Pinecraft like wildfire that he and his sons were going to have lunch with the Keims.
He was a grown man with one almost-grown son, one teen in the middle of his rumspringa, and one boy who was still missing his mother. He was too old to be dressed in his best shirt and visiting single women.
He also knew better than to make himself a target for gossips. Hadn’t everyone’s interest in his private life been one of the reasons he’d left Ohio, anyway? He had been tired of always being viewed as Evelyn’s poor husband. Or the sad widower with his hands full of boys.
“Wait a sec, Daed,” William called out as he ran over to talk to one of his school friends.
Jay was happy to have an excuse to stop. Anything to delay what he shouldn’t be doing in the first place.
Mark shifted restlessly. “Can I go on ahead?”
“Sure. I’ll be right along in a minute.”
“Everything okay there, Jay?” Michael Knoxx called out from the sidewalk.
“Oh, jah,” Jay said as he walked over to say hello. “I’m just waiting for William.” Though the man was fifteen years younger than him, Jay couldn’t help but feel a little in awe. Until recently, Michael had traveled all over the world preaching to large groups about his experience of being trapped in a ravine several years ago. He’d lost the lower portion of his leg in the process, though one never would know it since he usually walked faster than most people.
“It was a nice service today.”
“I enjoyed it.” Looking for something to say, Jay said, “I heard you are writing a book.”
“I am. I thought it was going to be easy, but I’m stuck at the moment.”
That surprised Jay. “What’s wrong?”
Michael sighed. “Have you ever had to do something that you know should be fairly easy but you keep thinking of reasons to doubt your progress?”
Since that was happening to him at that very moment, Jay nodded.
Looking down the sidewalk, Michael said, “See, I know what I want to say and what I want to write about, but I’m feeling afraid.”
“What would you be afraid about?” He couldn’t imagine Michael being afraid of anything.
“I’m worried my words are going to sound too simple. Or that my reasons for wanting to share my story might be misconstrued.” Shaking his head in a self-deprecating way, he said, “What is striking me as odd is that I never had these doubts or worries when I toured with my family. I simply got up on stage, looked into everyone’s faces, and spoke from my heart.”
“You should simply write the words from your heart then.”
“I wish it was that easy.” Grimacing, he said, “For some reason, a white sheet of paper isn’t giving me the same kind of feedback.”
Jay laughed. “I’m no writer, but I can only suggest that you keep trying.”
“You think it’s that easy?”
“Jah,” Jay said, realizing that he was speaking to himself as much as to Michael. “After all, the only other option is to go backward, and you don’t want that.”
“You’re right. I really don’t want that.”
Jay couldn’t bear to slide back to that vacant place where his emotions were on hold and he didn’t dare to feel too much. Living day to day, hoping to simply get through it while spending half the night unable to sleep was no way to live. Even worse, his boys had known he was living like that and they’d been worried about him.
Michael clasped Jay on the shoulder. “Danke. I knew asking you for help was a gut idea.” He smiled at William who was returning from speaking with his friend, then went on his way.
“Daed, you ready?”
“I am, indeed,” Jay murmured. He was suddenly ready for anything to happen. More than ready.
Chapter 13
Emma started setting up a buffet in the kitchen practically the moment she walked in her front door. Though she usually asked the girls to help her, she knew they were excited about having company over and restless after having to sit quietly during the service at church. Therefore, she’d simply asked them to play outside with Frankie.