A Very Dirty Wedding(95)

She's always given off a crazy vibe, and the fact that she's suddenly shown up somewhere I am makes me slightly concerned she's seriously going all stalker here.

"I followed you in the news for a while," she says. "Until you ran off to Southeast Asia and I was dating a Wall Street guy. We were going to get married, too. I tried to get in touch with you when I got engaged, get your permission. But I couldn't, so I called off the wedding."

"My permission?" I ask. "Why the hell would you need my permission?"

"Oh, you're so sweet," she says. "The way you always let me spread my wings and fly, gave me some space."

Okay, this girl is completely batshit.

"So when are you out in Malibu again?" she asks.

"Never," I say curtly.

I wonder if she's on meds. Or has just been released from a psych ward.

"This is my friend, Amber," she says, gesturing to her friend, a mirror image of her, blonde and over-enhanced and made-up like crazy. She leans in close to me, reminding me that she's always been into men and women. "Amber and I are in a hotel here, if you want to play."

"I'm getting married," I say loudly, over the noise of the crowd. "This is my bachelor party."

Right about now, sirens are going off in my fucking head: Psycho Alert! Psycho Alert!

I turn away from her, focusing intently on the game, but she doesn't take the hint. She puts her hand back on my leg. "Well, if you'd like to celebrate your last night as a bachelor, we can help you do it right."

The offer of a threesome. The old Caulter Sterling would have walked out of the game right then and there with both bimbos draped on his arm – crazy bitches or not -- and fucked them outside in the limo. It's not like I haven't had my share of threesomes.

The problem is, I'm not that guy anymore.

Completely repulsed, I remove her hand from my leg and drop it back in her lap for the second time tonight. "I doubt my pregnant fiancé would like that very much," I say, standing up and walking down to the other end of the group. I send Joe to take my seat, and the two bimbos give me dirty looks across the crowd.

Total psychos.





CHAPTER NINE

Kate



"Oh my God, did you guys send strippers?" I ask in response to the knock on the door. Bailey organized my bachelorette party in a hotel suite at one of the hotels near the lake house, but I have no idea what they're up to.

"I don't know," Bailey says brightly. "We'll have to see!"

"Trust me, sweetie," Libby says, putting her hand on my leg and patting it. "The last thing I want to look at is greased-up and spray tanned men shaking their hot dogs in front of my face."

"Gross." The thought of a hot dog makes me want to vomit.

"You're telling me," Libby says.

My girlfriends, buzzed on margaritas and fruity cocktails, answer the door, squealing loudly for the woman who walks inside armed with giant tote bags. “She’s not a stripper,” Bailey yells.

Several of my bridesmaids boo loudly.

"I thought there would be strippers," Janet says.

"I have something better," the woman says, holding up a dildo. "Sex toys."

"Oh, I love sex toy parties," my friend Amanda squeals. "Mama needs a new vibrator."

"I've never been to a sex toy party," I say, feeling practically virginal as the girls grab seats in a circle around the woman who introduces herself and passes out catalogs.

"You've never been to a sex toy party?" Libby asks. "That's appalling. Really. You'd better stock up for your honeymoon, girl."

Soon, the room is filled with giggling as the woman who introduces herself as "Linda, the Sex Toy Goddess." Before I know it, I'm laughing along as we play a game she calls Fake An Orgasm Bingo, which is like regular kind except instead of numbers the board is filled with words like anal beads, dildo, handcuffs, butt plugs, and lube, and instead of yelling the traditional phrase, the winner has to fake an orgasm.

When Libby whoops loudly, her hand in the air, waving, Linda the Sex Goddess stops her. "We need to hear your best orgasm!"

Libby clears her throat and gives us all a look that says she's delighted to be the center of attention, before closing her eyes and faking the longest, most ridiculous over-the-top porn star orgasm I've ever heard in my life. When she finishes, the group bursts into applause before another wave of giggles overtakes us.

"Damn," April mutters under her breath. "I think I might have a girl crush.”

"Libby is a lucky girl!" Janet calls out.

We play three more rounds before Linda The Sex Toy Goddess thinks we're sufficiently warmed up to move on to talking about the sex toys. For the next two hours, we pass around samples of every sex toy imaginable, including some I didn't even realize existed.