His trainer stands at the end of the aisle, calling him: "Jake! Jake!"
Jake the monkey responds by picking through the woman's hat like he's trying to find food, resulting in frantic screams as several guests attempt to help her by pulling the hat from her head.
"No, no!" she shouts. "My wig is attached!"
"Oh my God," I hear myself say, and I cover my mouth, not sure whether to cry or laugh.
Of course there's a monkey loose at our wedding.
The old woman stands suddenly, shrieking and trying to pull the monkey off her hat, while another guest yells loudly: "Don't throw the monkey, you monster!"
"Who is that woman?" Caulter asks.
"I don't know," I say. "There's a monkey loose in our ceremony and your biggest question is who the old lady is?"
Then it really becomes pandemonium as two guests break out into a loud argument about which of them better understand monkey behavior.
"God, he's really into that hat," Caulter says, taking out his phone.
"Are you taking a photo? During our wedding?" I ask in disbelief.
"It's kind of amazing, really," Caulter says. "And I'm not taking a photo. I'm recording this for posterity. And also because I'm definitely putting this on the internet."
God, I have to pee.
This might be the best time for a pee break. I mean, really if a monkey is running around my wedding, surely it's not that unseemly for me to slip out and pee.
I whisper to Libby. "I really have to pee."
She raises her eyebrows. "Now?"
"Do you think anyone would notice?" I ask. "The monkey is really distracting."
"Uh, yeah. I think they'll notice."
Then a blonde stands up. I recognize her immediately from the blog articles online.
It's the girl from the Celtics game.
And she's dressed in a body-hugging off-white dress that clings to every over-inflated part of her.
I whirl around to face Carter. "What the fuck is she doing here?"
The minister clears his throat.
"Sorry," I say, not sorry at all.
Caulter reaches out and takes my hand. "I didn't find out until we were walking out here," he says. "Joe –"
I don't even let him finish, mostly because I'm thinking about exactly how much of a scene it would cause if I took off my shoe and beat Joe senseless right here.
Then the bitch speaks. Actually, she yells over the chaos erupting among the guests. "Caulter, don't do it! Don't marry her!"
Oh, that did not just happen.
"Shit," Joe curses under his breath, putting his hand on Caulter's chest to keep Caulter from running down the aisle to get rid of her. Joe jogs down the aisle and through the seats, scooping her up and over his shoulder and heading for the exit.
She drunkenly shouts obscenities as Joe carries her out of the tent, and I speak to Caulter through gritted teeth. "I can't believe that girl came to my wedding."
"Success!" Jake's handler yells loudly, holding up the monkey in the middle of all the chaos in the tent. The wedding guests erupt in thunderous applause.
Until the handler says, "You have the rings, don't you?"
"They were in a little pouch on the monkey," Caulter says. I'm sure they're in the pouch."
The handler walks toward us with the monkey…and an empty pouch in his hand. "So, don't freak, but he has been known to eat objects."
"Don't freak?" I ask, my voice shrill.
Then I feel a gush between my legs.
I clap my hand over my mouth, squeezing my legs together as I look at Libby with wide eyes. I gesture frantically for her, and when she comes close, I hiss in her ear. "I think I just peed myself."
"Right here?" she squeals.
"Yes, right here," I say, annoyed. "I'm standing here with my legs crossed."
"Okay, we'll just walk out of here. It's not like this wedding ceremony hasn't already shit the bed."
"Libby!"
"Sorry."
We start to move, and it happens again, fluid gushing between my legs. So I stop, pressing my legs closed, but it's barely helping. "I think I might have lost bladder control!"
Caulter rushes to my side, so now I'm being escorted out of my own wedding by my maid of honor and the groom. Except that it's not stopping. Every time I take a step, fluid pours out from between my legs.
Ella speed-walks toward us, announcing to the guests as she walks, "We'll take a ten-minute break while we regroup." When she reaches us, she stops short. "What's wrong? Why aren't you moving?"
I feel my face flush hot and know it must be bright red. "I think I peed myself," I whisper. "But now I can't seem to stop peeing."
Ella's hand flies to her mouth as she leans in close to me. "If you can't stop, that's not pee, Kate," she says.