Ivan came out of the kitchen bearing mugs of tea. It shamed me to see that every mug was chipped, but he didn't seem to care. "I heard what happened," he said, "I was listening. Do you know when they'll find out what the post mortem says?"
"A few days I think," replied Ray, sipping his tea gratefully. I sat quietly and looked around the tiny living room, with it's cheap ornaments and scruffy wallpaper, committing it all to memory. Despite feeling shamed by it, it was still home, with its familiar, and comforting smell. I noticed mum had framed a snapshot of me at my graduation from Cambridge, I was wearing my mortarboard and gown, smiling proudly. I remembered that moment well, it had felt like my first steps to freedom. I glanced at Ivan, who's eyes had alighted on the photo as well.
"She was very proud of you," he stated.
"Used to boast about Elle to everyone. Said she was the brains of the family," said Ray.
Family. I have no family now. Nobody at all. The thought hit me like a sledgehammer. I think Ivan sensed that I was melting down slightly. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, and squeezed me tight. I was grateful to him for being there. I also felt slightly sorry for him that his day of wild sex had ended up being a day sitting in a grotty flat in suburbia with a snotty, and tearful girlfriend. "I'm sorry, this wasn't how today was meant to pan out," I said to Ivan. He just hugged me tighter.
"What kind of man would I be if I was only with you on the good days?" Ivan replied. I sniffed.
"Elle, there's something I need to ask you, I know it's not a good time, but what are you going to do with the flat?" Ray asked, "only I gave up my digs to move in with your mum. I don't have anywhere else to go if you want to move back and take over the tenancy."
"I don't want to move back here Ray. You have it. I'll just want a few personal things, photos, that's all. You keep the furniture and stuff." He looked relieved. I went to the drawer in the dresser where mum kept all the photos, and pulled them out, there weren't many, but developing film had been expensive in the days before digital cameras. Ray went to the kitchen to pull a Lidl bag out of a cupboard for me to carry the albums. I went to her bedroom, and stared at the familiar old dressing table that she'd found in a junk shop in Plumstead. I knew she'd sold every scrap of jewellery she'd possessed to buy my books for university, so I silently said goodbye to her empty bed, and closed the door.
I promised Ray that I would register the death, and organise the funeral as soon as the police or coroner gave me the go ahead. I took one last look around the flat, silently saying goodbye to the ghost of my mother, and the girl I used to be, and I walked outside with Ivan, gripping his hand tightly.
"Can you take me back to London please?" I said. I needed to be alone. All I wanted to do was curl up and cry, without worrying about how I looked, or how he was feeling.
"Are you sure? I don't mind where we go, but it might be better to have the tranquillity of the estate if you need to grieve."
I smiled gratefully, "you're wonderful, did you know that? But I need to be alone right now." He nodded, and spoke to Roger. We pulled away, and headed towards London.
He hovered around when we got back to the flat, sending a member of security out for groceries. He had placed the bag of photos on the kitchen island, an innocuous bag that I was afraid to open.
"Tell me about your mother, what sort of person was she?" Ivan asked.
I thought for a moment, "she was fun, had a great sense of humour. Liked music, drinking and the soaps. Made a lot of poor choices in life, narrow outlook. That's it really."#p#分页标题#e#
"She made you, so she must have been quite something," he said softly.
"I was ashamed of it, of taking you there. Seeing the cheap, scruffy place I come from. Seeing you drink from a chipped mug. I wanted to hide it from you. I escaped that life." My tears started to fall again. Ivan, to his credit, wrapped his strong arms around me, and kissed my wet face.
"It's a palace compared to what I grew up in. Your mother did her best for you. Never forget that. She loved you. Be proud of who you are, and where your journey began."
"It's all gone now. Nothing to run away from," I sniffed in a very unladylike way, "I have no family at all now. Nobody, not even a cousin." Ivan pulled a square of kitchen roll off, and handed it to me so I could blow my nose. I noticed I'd left a wet patch on his T-shirt, and hoped it wasn't snot.
"I know how that feels, and believe me when I say you'll survive it. She gave you brains and self reliance. That's a great legacy. Plus you have a knack of pulling rich men," he smiled as I laughed, albeit a rather half hearted one. He was right, I could take care of myself just fine.