His heart stopped for a minute, if that was possible. “What does that mean?”
“For the babies. I don’t feel anything.”
He sucked in a breath, the anguish he spied in her gaze sending waves of powerlessness hurling through him.
“Except this relentless void, there’s nothing inside of me when I think of them,” she said, rushing over her words as though she couldn’t stop them anymore. “I should look forward to it now, at least. I should be used to it by now. At first I thought it was because I was angry with you. Because you were the father. It’s not. It is me. All I can think is how I wish it was anyone but me. Every waking moment. I can’t bear to look at myself because I’m afraid I will see changes I don’t want to. My team is more excited about this than I am. The ultrasound technician was more excited than I was when we looked at them. And now there are two. What if I never feel anything for them? What if all these years of...? What if I never love them? They’ll realize that, won’t they? God, I would just curl up and die if they—”
“Shh...” Diego swallowed past the tears sawing at his throat and hugged her tight, pouring everything he couldn’t say into the embrace. He couldn’t bear to see her like this. This pain—her pain—it hammered at him with the quiet efficiency of a hundred blows.
How blithely had he assumed she didn’t give a damn about anything but herself? How easily had he let her rejection of him color everything else? How easily had he let his own hangups blind him to her pain?
Her cutting indifference every time she had mentioned the pregnancy had been the perfect cover for this terrifying panic beneath. Regret skewered through him.
He pressed his mouth to her temple and breathed her scent in. He had no idea if it was for his or her benefit. “You built a million-dollar company from nothing but your talent and your hard work. Don’t tell me your failure with Jennie tonight means you won’t love our children.”
Her upper body bowed forward, her forehead coming to rest on his shoulder as though the fight was literally deflating her. “I’ve spent years cauterizing myself against feeling anything. I think I did it so well that nothing can reach me now.”
“That’s nonsense.” Diego wrapped his hands around her and tucked her closer to him. “You care about your sister. You told me you tried your best to protect her from your father’s wrath. I’m sure once the babies come you—”
“I’m the reason Liv suffered so much at my dad’s hands. It was my responsibility to protect her. Nothing else.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You think you’re the only one who has a monopoly on guilt?”
Frustration boiled through Diego as defiance crept back into her tone. Her shields fell back into place, the pain shoved away beneath layers and layers of indifference. His hold over her was just as fleeting as always.
* * *
Feeling Diego stiffen against her, Kim slid out of his reach. Her knees threatened to collapse under her, but anything was better than the cocoon of his embrace.
It had felt so good. The temptation to buy into his words that everything would be fine, the need to dump the bitterest truth in his lap, had been dangerous.
Except she was sure there would be nothing but distaste left on his face if she did that. She would take his anger anytime.
That was what living with him was doing to her—slowly but surely eroding everything she had learned to survive.
“How come you’re so good at it?” she threw at him, the pain dulling to a slow ache.
For now there was nothing to do but wait. That was the part that was slowly driving her crazy. There wasn’t a way to make herself feel. There was no switch to turn it on.
“I’m not. But Marissa always has a baby attached to her hip, and I think I’ve picked up a thing or two in all these years.”
An image of a laughing, petite brunette flashed in front of Kim’s eyes. Her mouth burned with the acidic taste of jealousy. Until now she had held on, pretended even to herself that he didn’t matter to her, that falling into his bed four weeks ago had been nothing but a mistake.
“Marissa?”
He nodded slowly, a flat, hardened look replacing the tenderness she had seen seconds ago, as though he resented Kim even uttering her name. Not as though. He hated it. It was there in the way his stance stiffened, in the way he turned away from her.
“You were...?” Kim swallowed, forcing the lump in her throat down, that acidic taste burning her mouth. “You’ve been with her all these—?”
He shrugged. “Over the years Marissa and I have always drifted toward each other. In between deserting spouses, deaths and even...” His gaze fell to Jennie and his mouth curved into a little smile. “She’s nothing if not maternal.”