“Can I help with anything; help you fix the window?”
“I got it together, Brandi. You should take off now.”
She had forgotten to mention having told Eric about the tutoring. Eric was enough of a hothead, but to break into Tim’s house was not like him. He had caused her trouble in the past, like parking in front of her house and beeping his horn until she came out; following her and her friends. Also making a total ass of himself at the movies one evening. Confronting Eric would only make matters worse, especially for Tim. He would go to Columbia for sure if he had any inkling that Eric was behind this.
* * *
Instead of going home as he usually did after attending a home game, Tim sat in his truck and dialed Claire Hammond’s cell number urgently. He waited for the ringing then heard her voice. His words rushed out before she could finish her sentence. “Claire, it’s me. I need to come in.”
“Tim, I have a client coming in soon. Are you okay?”
“I don’t know. There’s a lot of crap going on lately.”
“This can’t wait until your regular appointment next week?”
“I really need to talk to someone.”
“I’m checking my schedule. Hold on.…I can squeeze you in at six. You can be my last appointment. Just promise me you won’t kill yourself getting here.”
“I don’t want to die, Claire. I just need someone to help me learn how to live.”
“I’m here for you, buddy. Always will be.”
An hour later, he was at Claire’s door. He had been seeing her off and on for over ten years. He walked in, Claire’s secretary, Diannah, smiled: “You can go in, darling. She’s waiting.”
Claire knew something different was up the minute she saw his face. “Okay, Tim, what’s the deal? You don’t normally make extra appointments; usually I have to track you down to keep them.”
“It’s about Brandi again.”
“Still fighting yourself over her, I see.”
“Claire, I’m still thinking about when I almost kissed her. I just can’t seem to stop thinking of her, wanting her the way I never thought I would want another woman.”
“But you used control then. You can use it now. You have to, Tim.”
“I don’t know what to do about Brandi.”
“Tim, you and I have discussed what needs to be done with that situation.”
“I know, and I’m working on it. Time is not moving fast enough though. She’s in my face all the time, and when she isn’t, I’m thinking about her.”
“What have you done to put something in motion about changing this relationship, because you know it won’t just work out somehow.”
“I know it won’t, Claire. I actually had the Columbia interview.”
“Good move. What else?”
“The second interview at NYU is next week.”
“Fine, those are steps in the right direction, as we discussed before. But…”
“I really don’t want to leave Madison. I like it there.”
“I know you do, but is Brandi willing to move to another professor’s class?”
“She needs my classes for the honors program. Besides, I…I haven’t really.…”
“You haven’t discussed it with her. Am I right?”
“No. We have talked about what this is doing to us. She confronted me. Someone saw me at Columbia and told her.”
“Tim, you’re going to have to be more up front with Brandi. She needs to know what you’re going through and when you’re going through it. You can’t leave her guessing. She’s half of the situation. Don’t be scared to talk to her.”
“I am still scared. I really like her, Claire, more than I have anyone else. I’m afraid of giving her too much to handle. I should be handling this better than I am; I should be sparing her as much confusion as possible.”
“You can’t do it alone, Tim. I don’t think she would want you to if she is as great as you say she is.”
“She’s incredible, and I want her to stay that way. She doesn’t need any more problems in her life.”
“And you do? Tim, you know the answer to your problem with Brandi. If you want her, you have to do what’s best for you both. We just mentioned the solutions, the interviews. Yes, I know you love Madison. It’s a good school, but so are the others. You went to one of them. Is it that you don’t think you can handle larger universities?”
“That’s the least of my worries. Moving to one of them is not the real problem.”
“I know it isn’t. What’s scaring you is the relationship after the move.”
“Exactly.”
“Since you and I both know what the real problem is, that’s what we need to concentrate on.”
“How?”
“By getting to the root that started long ago, way before Brandi was born; your fear of women. Yes, you’ve made progress, lots of progress. Wanting to date again after Charlotte is a major step. You’re willing to let someone else inside your world, but her staying there is the problem.”
“I liked my one-night-stands. No commitment required.”
“That is not what you like, Tim; it’s what you’re comfortable with.”
“It worked for me.”
“It was a means to an end, and it didn’t work for you. If it had, you wouldn’t have this problem with Brandi. Don’t you see, she is your way of getting normalcy into your life. Having dozens of sex partners is not normal and you know that. Brandi triggers something in you, what you want, what you need.”
“Umm, you have a point. I do want her. I like who she is, what she does, how she does it. I like everything about her, Claire.”
“But it wasn’t always like that, was it?”
“You know I met her in a club.”
“I do know that. I also know that you two found one another again. Unfortunately, it was at Madison, but nonetheless, you two are together.” She leaned forward in her chair. “Tim, don’t be afraid of Brandi. Apparently, she thinks you’re worth her time, and you are. You’re a good man. What you and I need to work on is getting you to understand that. Do you think you’re a good man?”
“I don’t deliberately hurt people, if that’s what you mean.”
“Partly. But do you think you’re worth her love?”
He sat there silently.
Claire sensed his mind was going a mile a minute. “Tim, everything that’s happened in your life has helped you build this wall around yourself. You don’t want to break it down and see what’s on the other side. You think that wall is hiding a monster that may hurt Brandi.”
“I could hurt her.”
“Do you want to?”
“Of course not, Claire. That’s why I’m here. I don’t want to hurt her, but I hurt everyone in my life. I hurt Greg. I hurt…”
“I know who else you hurt, but in that circumstance, you had no choice. You will not hurt Brandi. However, if you love her and will do nothing about it, that will hurt her and she will go on without you. Do you want that?”
“No!”
“Do you feel strong enough about Brandi to make that jump to Columbia or NYU?”
“I want to now more than before. I will miss Madison.”
She smiled. “I see progress here. You are not that monster you thought you were. You also realize that not all women are bad.”
“I know Brandi isn’t. I just don’t want to hurt her.”
“And you won’t. Trust yourself. Above everything else, do what you are comfortable with. If you aren’t comfortable with moving, we’ll discuss that, but I think you know what you’re going to do.”
“NYU is also a good school.”
“It is.” She put her pen down. “Feeling better about this?”
“You always make me feel better about my life. You have that knack.”
“I didn’t become a psychiatrist for kicks. I want to help you, Tim. I have always wanted that. I really see some progress. You and I still need to work through some things, and it still has something to do with women. You’re getting there, Tim. Call me if you need me before our scheduled appointment. If it’s after hours, I’m still available to you, remember that.”
“I will. Thanks, Claire. I won’t let Brandi get away…I am still scared though.”
“It seems like she could be good for you. Make a list of pros and cons about your relationship with her. If you have more pros, then you set the table for a good life with her.”
“Marriage?”
“Take it slow, Tim. as I said, you’re getting there, but there’s still some work to be done. See Diannah before you leave. She’ll remind you of your next appointment.”
There was still Tim’s other problem, probably the biggest one of all for him to come to terms with. Not having a relationship with his brother, Gregory.
CHAPTER 9
Eric sat several rows away from Brandi, staring and smiling at her, as usual. She hadn’t gotten the chance to confront him about Tim’s basement window, but certainly would later. If he hadn’t broken it, he certainly knew who had. There was something different about Eric’s smile today; it was meaner, nastier, as if he was into something. She put it aside, thinking it might be her imagination. Tiffany moved in beside her. “Did you finish your paper?”