“But this doesn’t make sense. How did you end up in here?”
“I just got to a point where I couldn’t live the lie anymore. Not only was I suffering but my son had been converted into a machine whilst tens of thousands of people were being deported every week. I knew where they were going and I just cracked. I went down to the police station and handed myself in. I knew that would at least stop one SS officer from being recruited. Maybe it could have also saved his life, I don’t know. I do know he was arrested as well though. I saw him being taken into the cells as I was being led out to the train station. He spat at me and tried to ‘SIEG HEIL’ as much as he could in handcuffs. I just told him he was as Jewish as me and that now he could see the lie we had been living for the last ten years. Reality would overcome illusion finally.”
“I didn’t know what to say to her. It was such an extraordinary story. I just comforted her as best I could, told her a little of my life and advised her to go inside. She didn’t come in until much later.”
“Did she tell anyone else?”
“No, not to my knowledge. I certainly didn’t pass it around either. She wasn’t around for much longer anyway. A few days later I saw her running away from the hut towards the fence. ‘HALT’ ‘HALT’ ‘HALT’ rang out before a single shot burst into her head as she approached the fence. At least that was an end for her. I’m sure she felt better for having purged and offloaded her story. I had no idea how she lived with that at all.”
“To be honest, Yedida, I have no idea how you lived with all that either. What a view of humanity in a very short period of time,” replied Ed.
“Yes, it wasn’t easy. When I was a young girl I read a lot of novels and really looked forward to discovering the moral of the story or finding out how the characters were rescued, enlightened or gained salvation. In the camps, however, it was completely different, tragedy following tragedy, day after day, month after month, and year after year. No happy ending. It was truly devastating, a real book of horrors. I tried to be strong and tried to keep going and be positive. I put everything into it, losing count of time, day after day after day. Then one morning, they were all gone, every one those SS pigs. We were left roaming around the camp stepping over meatless shrivelled bodies, all with our yellow stars and stripy uniforms. It was like a surreal scene from another planet. We had got so used to the tormentors and then to suddenly not have them there was like walking without a floor. It was a complete shock. Then the Russians came and started to feed us and assess the situation. They raided the local town for clothes and we all got much more comfortable outfits to wear. Hence, this white trouser suit I am wearing now, and for the rest of eternity.”
“But weren’t you safe then? What happened?”
“A few days later I got terribly ill, like a tidal wave of pain and sickness to my innermost core. I remember being up and about one day and then flat on my back on a stretcher the next. I don’t even remember dying. I must have just blacked out and been in a coma.”
Ed was lost for words, shocked at what some people had to endure in their lifetimes. How could there possibly be a god in any world where there was such suffering? There and then his journey with religion ended with abrupt disillusionment.
“Don’t you think people like this should never be forgiven though, I mean, those that have committed absolutely unthinkable crimes against other people?”
“That’s certainly a thought that one starts with but then where would it all end? We cannot choose to hate forever. Then there really would be no hope.”
“I’m not sure I could stop myself hating them with a vengeance forever, Yedida.”
“Hatred and vengeance are feelings that eat away at one’s own inner being as much as it is projected outwards. There is a reason people use the term, ‘consumed by hatred’. It has no positive function whatsoever for the ‘hater’ and just drags remnants of the past negativity into the present. I don’t hate them, blame them, resent them or forgive them. Most of all I do not want the repugnantly unfavourable elements of their psyche in my inner consciousness. It’s more about trying to understand them. Up to a point, I can see how a generation of civilised Germans could have been hijacked by a crackpot leadership with oppressive means of persuasion. Make them believe in a superiority based on the demonisation of others, pushing the belief that the economic suffering is because these ‘aliens’ were taking more than their fair share. Then build such an oppressive wall of fear around them that they are terrified to disagree to the point of convincing themselves of the validity of the message. Then they will either join the ranks or sit on the sidelines and condone the consequences. As long as they felt secure and comfortable why shouldn’t they have turned a blind eye to the odd group of Jews being marched off or the odd barbed wire camp in their very back yard? Denial is a powerful tool in the hands of evil.”