A Survivor's Guide to Eternity(48)

He felt like he was at an airport waiting for a flight to a far and distant land. Exciting and enthralling when you get off at the other end but boring and uneventful sitting in a departure lounge trying to dissolve time considering pointless duty free purchases. He gazed at the woman going about her activities with methodical determination. He looked back over towards the cemetery and the row upon row of glorified head stones telling of noble deeds and loved personalities. He began to wonder what he was, amidst all this. What was his role and purpose? Why was he being given the chance to look at the world in this unique yet disorientating way?

Slowly he could feel his human consciousness drifting away from him bit by bit, making it harder to focus his thoughts and be sure of his memories. He didn’t know exactly how long he had left, but he was determined to do the needful by the end of the day.

I must stay awake and keep focused, he thought, as he twisted round and sat upright on the roof.

What is this consciousness anyway? Maybe understanding that, is the key? ‘I think therefore I am’. Who said that? As soon as I’m not aware of that awareness, would I stop existing? Is doubting my existence proof I exist? What if this is really a dream and all this is existence in a dream state? What if I am in a coma and dreaming, would I exist then? Would I stop existing if I ceased being aware of myself in the body of this cat; surely the cat would still exist?

Ed meandered through a matrix of unclear philosophical debate, wishing that questions carried as much influence as answers. He watched the little old lady as she wound up her gardening duties and left with her little bag of gloves and tools, only to be replaced by another OAP working a different plot with equal diligence. He mused and mused, tossing and turning between his upright seated position and the reclined regal position which gave him neck ache. Soon his thoughts turned to suicide and transition, setting him on his way down from the roof. The sun was getting low in the sky and the late afternoon was being lured into the embrace of evening. He danced off alongside the allotment, through the cemetery and back towards the small area of shops in the centre of the village. He thought long and hard about how he could kill himself this time around.

Once at the shops he wandered over to the small provisimart supermarket and slipped stealthily through the open door. He darted around behind the tills and into the main body of the shop. It was a quiet store and there were just a handful of customers and only one open checkout. He peered up at the packed shelves, row upon row, pile upon pile of various coloured cans delicately organised neatly along the thin walkways. He went to the corner, snuck a peek and darted round and along the aisle to the next corner, giving himself a better view of the signs hanging above the corridors.

Bakery, Dairy, Tinned, Vegtables, Meat / Poultry, Frozen, Fish and Household goods. All the choices one would expect.

Ed was looking for the freezer department. He had a bright idea of a chilly but pain-free suicide if he could work out how to get into one of the super chilled compartments. Then he saw the sign; FROZEN FOOD 15. He tiptoed along invisibly, keeping his arched back held high whilst his path hugged the sides of the shelves.

He proceeded along past fresh meat and dairy and finally got to aisle 15 without bumping into a single soul. He skipped up onto the flat topped transparent lids and sped along, hiding behind a large sign that read; Jumbo Arctic rolls, 2 for 1 special offer. Now it was just a matter of waiting his moment and taking his chance.

He was there for what seemed like an eternity. The shop seemed deserted and very few people came past. He began to get despondent and not overly confident that anyone would shop in one of these freezers. He glanced up at the glowing clock and saw it flashing 5.54. He had seen the sign outside on the door and knew that the store closed at 6.00 so he didn’t have a whole lot of time to play with. He began musing as to possible ways he could prize the freezers open once the store was closed but knew how hard that would be in reality. Even for a human, those doors had a very strong seal. He wasn’t overly optimistic.

The clock continued on its inevitable path, 5.55, 5.56, 5.57. He felt increasingly confused as to how long he had before his deadline. His human consciousness was continuing to dissolve and he was getting worried about being locked in the store, unable to kill himself. The anxiety grew as the clock chimed ever closer to the decisive hour. Then, out of the blue, a small elderly lady, complete with Zimmer frame and pink rinse turned the corner and caught sight of the sign Ed was hiding behind. She got closer and looked enquiringly at it. Ed was sure he had been spotted, as he did not fit behind it entirely, the tail poking out and along the back surface of the freezer.