A Stone in the Sea(69)

And I couldn’t ignore it when Shea had uttered those feelings aloud.

But that girl in the bar had been the reminder that I couldn’t forget what was waiting for me back here. That just like Ash had warned me, I’d dug myself a very deep grave.

But that grave had been dug long ago.

Now I was buried in it.

Paying the consequences in the most insufferable way.

But the danger in pretending was it becoming real.

“Baz, look at me. What’s going on with you? You need to be prepared when you walk in that room.”

“I am prepared.”

He scoffed. “You’ve barely done anything more than grunt at me since my driver picked you up at your house. You’re getting ready to walk into a room with Martin Jennings. You remember what happened the last time you were with him?”

My chest tightened, anger grating at the raw spot Shea had left behind. Yeah, I remembered. I glared across at Anthony. “And I don’t know how sitting in a room full of suits is going to change any of it, because I sure as hell wouldn’t take it back. I may not have all the facts, but I fucking know he had something to do with Austin.”

Austin had kept his mouth locked tight. Keeping secrets he shouldn’t keep. Recognized it the second he woke up in that hospital bed because, just like him, I’d lied and hid and masked for too many years. I knew exactly what that bullshit looked like. Initially I’d gone to Martin to confront him, to get those answers, but the pompous asshole had just laughed, then straightened his fucking suit jacket as if he were shaking me off.

Then he’d given me all the confirmation I’d needed.

Punk kids like your brother aren’t ever going to make it, anyway.

Like Austin was trash and him leaving this world would be doing it a favor.

A heavy sigh wheezed from Anthony’s lungs. “What you’re going to do is sit in there and pretend you’re remorseful and you’re going to do a damned good job of it.”

Pretend.

Laughter erupted from me—cutting and biting—filled with the sheer malice I held deep inside. I wasn’t sure if it was directed at Jennings or myself.

“Sick of pretending.” The hard edge of my words slipped on the last. God, I sounded like a pussy bitch the way it came out with the blinding regret and shame that had tagged along at my heels since the moment I’d stared Shea down and broke her. Wrecked her just like I promised I would.

“I am on your side, Baz. I’m trying to get you out of this. You don’t have any chances left. You’ve used all of them up, both with Mylton Records and the law. You have to suck it up and get through this, as painful as it’s going to be. Believe me, I understand it’s going to be rough in there. If we could turn the tables and have the threat of jail time hanging over that bastard’s head, I’d be all over it, because just like you, I’m positive he had everything to do with what happened with Austin. But we don’t have anything on him and he has everything on you.”

My mouth opened on a pained breath. “I know you’re on my side, Anthony.” Slowly I shook my head, lips pursing in a tortured line. “I just don’t know how much more of this I can take…if this is worth it any longer.”

“What do you mean by this?”

I shrugged like it didn’t matter, when so much of my life had been spent with it mattering most. “Playing. Writing music. This lifestyle. Just don’t know if it’s worth the cost anymore.”

Surprise pinched his face before it spread out in a slow wave of disbelief. His voice grew quiet. “Damn it, Sebastian. Thought I told you to keep your dick in your pants? This is about some girl?”

Regret that had been lining my insides made a bid to climb right out, clawing at my throat, the sour taste coating my tongue. “Not some girl.”

An amazing girl.

An unforgettable girl.

My girl if I wasn’t living this life.

Mine if I wasn’t getting ready to get my sorry ass hauled off to jail again.

Wouldn’t put her through that.

Couldn’t.

Cared too much, as foolish as it was.

My jaw clenched, teeth grinding as my hand fisted tight, pressing into the thigh of the black tailored suit pants I’d donned to pretend some more, trying not to break apart in the back seat of the town car.

“Shit,” he hissed. “What’d you do, Baz?”

“I didn’t do anything that wasn’t right.”

All except for chasing her in the first place.

Should have left well enough alone when she told me she didn’t date. That she didn’t have time for distractions. But there was something about her that wouldn’t let me go, like some piece of her was chasing me, too, hounding me to find out where the curiosity came from, like maybe she’d needed some time for pretending, too.