Now was the moment. I could tell him. I could reveal my deep secret. He might be pissed that Jeremy had been here and that we’d kissed, but he’d see it really was nothing. But it wasn’t nothing to me. What I’d done was unforgivable in my mind. It was shameful. I didn’t want to share it with him. And Beckett was right. Telling William wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t undo what I’d done. Finally, I put my hands on my hips. “Do you really want to talk about this?”
They were the same words William had said when I’d asked him about his history with Anya. He glared at me so long and so hard that I had to turn away. “It was a long time ago,” I said, more to myself than to him. “It doesn’t matter now.”
He said nothing, and I sneaked a peek at him. He was still glaring, his face a mask of stone. Finally he said, “Tell me.”
I looked at him, and I thought about Minerva and Hans and their fifty years. I thought about William as the little boy who had lost his family. I thought about what I’d wanted for this night, and how I’d planned to tell William I loved him. I still loved him. And I couldn’t tell him this. There were some things too awful, some secrets too shameful to share. I bit my lip to stem the tears burning behind my eyes. I did not want to cry on top of everything else. I drew a deep breath and raised my eyes to William’s. “There’s nothing more to tell. You need to trust me on this.”
How many times had he said that to me? How many times had he demanded I trust him without explanation? Now I wanted that same privilege. He could make all the demands he wanted, but I wasn’t budging. I had a right to my privacy too. I wasn’t going to be swayed by his orders and commands. This was it. I had to stand up for myself. “You have to trust me on this,” I repeated.
William sighed. “I wish I could.”
He turned without another word, strode to the door, opened it, and walked out. The door slammed closed behind him with a final thud.
Seventeen
I stared at my door for a full minute without moving. I couldn’t believe he’d really left. What had just happened? This was supposed to be our romantic dinner, but somehow everything had gone wrong, and we’d ended up in a fight. Again.
But this wasn’t our typical fight. Just thinking that made me cringe. How pathetic was it that we’d been together less than a month and I could already label our types of fights? This time William was the one demanding answers, and I was the one hedging. I was the one not ready to open myself up completely. I was the one who’d been left. Usually I walked away from William—more like ran away, actually. Tonight he’d walked away from me. My stomach churned and heaved, and I suddenly felt too warm. I stumbled to the kitchen table and collapsed into a chair before my knees could give out.
Were we really over now? He’d never looked so hurt. Abigail had told me he had a tender heart and I’d seen it on full display tonight. He’d been devastated that I wouldn’t answer his questions about Jeremy. My stomach churned again, and I felt my heart sink. The last thing I wanted was to wound William any more than he’d already been hurt. I should be the one buoying him up, not bringing him down. Maybe I just didn’t know how to be sensitive enough to him. I closed my eyes, seeing the pain in his gaze again. The look I remembered on his face sliced through me like a razor blade. In that moment, I hated myself. He’d told me often that he didn’t deserve me. Clearly, I was the one who didn’t deserve him. I was the one who kept fucking things up between us, so many times now it was almost laughable.
But I was heartbroken too. I couldn’t believe he was having me watched and had neglected to tell me. Who the fuck does that? I did know he had increased his security, but I’d had no idea that it had been extended to include me. His intentions might have been good, but it still felt like a total invasion of my privacy. Why couldn’t he tell me? Why couldn’t he trust me for once? I knew there was more to it than William was letting on and that scared me. What was so awful that it made him feel he had to keep me in the dark? I’d never underestimate him, but that didn’t mean I had to justify more bad behavior from him.
I went back and forth about it for what seemed like hours. Finally my head felt like it was about to explode. My stomach growled. There was no point in wasting perfectly good pizza. I nibbled on a slice, drank half a glass of wine, and blew out all the candles I’d lit. The smoky darkness in my condo matched my gloomy mood.
I brought my plate into the kitchen and caught sight of the chocolate torte on the pedestal. I wasn’t even sure William had seen it. He definitely hadn’t tasted it. Minerva would be so disappointed. All of her hard work for nothing. The smell of rich chocolate wafted toward me and, as always, I thought of William. But the cake reminded me of something Minerva had said too. She’d admitted there were times she didn’t even like Hans, but what kept them together was the commitment she’d made to love. No matter what. Had Hans ever walked out on Minerva? Had he had her followed without telling her?