Then he'd excused himself and gone out for a bit. I couldn't blame him for wanting to be outside. Hawks weren't made for life indoors. They needed freedom, the air brushing against their wings, the sky open and all theirs.
This morning had started out nicely, with colorful droplets of glee in my soul. The sun shone brightly outside. I could see it smiling down at me in warm rays peeking through the rich pink magnolia trees by the windows.
///
Soon enough, however, that old part of myself that I disliked started rearing its ugly head, spoiling the memory of Field's lips on mine and our bodies melting against each other. I'd hoped it wasn't our last kiss. Doubt started seeping through the cracks of my happy bubble like dirty water, determined to soil the pristine image of Field's soft gaze warming my face before his mouth captured mine.
The little voice in my head, the one that had once judged my wolf hair and my curves, was back. In need of the attic's silence I went upstairs. Maybe I could lose myself in a vision instead of paying attention to the doubtful part of me that, until that moment, had been relatively quiet since our arrival in Eritopia.
I sat down beneath one of the large windows, letting the sunlight wash over my face in shades of white and gold. I closed my eyes and tried to channel the present. But I had trouble focusing. That little voice kept yammering about Field.
Was he really into me? Were his feelings genuine? Or was I the rebound girl he needed to get over Maura? Maybe she'd been the real love of his life, but, due to lifestyle incompatibilities, they'd lost each other, and here I was, the fool ready to give him enough affection to help him deal with the loss.
I shook the thought away and took a few deep breaths, once again focused on tapping into a vision.
But the thought came back, pounding in my temples like a migraine, eager to ruin everything.
What if he didn't feel anything? What if I was just handy? Would he really be that selfish? Or did he not even realize he was doing it? Maybe he was fooling himself into thinking he liked me-some sort of subconscious defense mechanism to help him bounce back from his life with Maura.
I mean, she was pretty and smart and a woman with years of wisdom and experience. I was still in my teenage years, still grateful for the spell that had helped me shed all that extra body hair. I'd been stuck between human and wolf for most of my life, and that was how Field had known me. How could he see past it, even with it gone now?
I kept spiraling down that dark hole, deeper and deeper into my insecurities, while Field's kiss stayed at the top of the hole, shrinking in the distance.
"Are you okay?" Field's voice startled me out my thoughts.
I looked over to my right and found him at the far end of the attic, standing and watching me with concern etched on his face. His turquoise eyes found mine, and my heart tumbled and fluttered at the same time, torn between the memory of our kiss and the subsequent doubts of his intentions toward me. After all, he hadn't been specific in how he felt about me. He'd just kissed me.
The floor seemed to vanish from underneath me as he took a few steps forward.
"Yeah. All is good," I said, barely hearing myself.
I decided to raise that barrier between us again, just until I could understand how he really felt about me. I straightened my back and gave him a polite smile. How could I get him to tell me what I needed to know? Asking was the only straightforward solution, but the closer he got to me, the faster I felt my courage slip away.
"Why am I having a hard time believing that?" he asked, his head cocked.
"I don't know. I told you, I'm fine. Just working on my visions. Nothing to see here," I mumbled and looked away, bringing my knees to my chest defensively.
Field wasn't one to quit so easily. He sat in front of me, crossing his legs while his gaze searched mine. There was a playful flicker in the tropical blue-green of his eyes. Clearly, he didn't understand my struggle.
Why should he, anyway? These are my demons, not his.
"Seriously, Aida, what's going on?"
I tried to be brave, but doubt had chipped away at my self-confidence, leaving me naked and vulnerable and fearful in front of a man who had the power to crush my heart with a handful of words. The swing in my mood from one hour to the next had taken its toll on my resolve.
"I'm fine, Field."
"I haven't seen you at all today."
His voice was low and smooth, making nerve endings in my entire body tingle.
"Well, you've been out a lot," I replied, unyielding.
"And you've closed yourself off in the attic. Have I done something wrong?"