‘I’ve thrown them down the lavatory.’
‘Was that altogether wise?’ When his wife did not reply, Lionel took a cautious step sideways. ‘And now I really must go. I’m due at the juvenile court by ten thirty.’
‘Why are other people’s troubles always more important to you than our own?’
‘This is a special case.’
‘I’m a special case.’
‘I shouldn’t be late back.’
‘Ring them up. Tell them you’ve got a crisis in the family.’
‘I can’t do that.’
‘I will, then.’
‘No.’
Lionel had spoken so quickly and so quickly sat down again that Ann knew the court appointment was a lie. She felt the first flicker of pity yet never considered for a moment letting things go. There was too much at stake. She took a deep breath to calm herself. Though her heart was full, she found herself wondering if the words to clearly express her feelings could be found. The main thing to remember was there was to be no going back. Or forward either, if that meant treading the old, well-worn, soul-crushing path.
‘Lionel, I came to a decision a little while ago. There are various things I need to say and I hope you’ll hear me out.’
Lionel had decided to take a leaf out of the book of Job. Long-suffering, patient, eyes glazed with inattention, fingers drumming an awkward rhythm on bony knees.
‘First, I can no longer agree to have strangers staying here.’
‘Well, that’s no surprise.’ The tone was condescending and would-be jovial. Plainly he planned to humour her. ‘The way you treat—’
‘In any case, maintaining a nine-roomed house and a very large garden is beyond my means.’
‘Help costs nothing in the country—’
‘The place is falling to bits. I can’t afford to keep it on.’ She was determined not to use the royal pronoun. Lionel had contributed nothing financially to their marriage since he had surrendered his stipend and she would not pretend that he had. ‘And there’s no reason why I should.’
‘We have a position in the village—’
‘What do you know of the village?’ Ann looked through the window at the cedar tree, part of her existence since the day she was born, and her courage faltered. But there were other trees and freedom never came without a price. ‘The Rectory will have to be sold.’
‘You can’t do that!’
‘Why not? It belongs to me.’ Thank God. And thank God I never let him near my trust fund, such as it is. How awful, thought Ann. Here’s the only life I’ve ever known breaking up in huge chunks around me and all I can think about is whether I’ll have any money. But then - she experienced a sad instant of comprehension - it’s not as if there’s any love involved.
‘And where are we going to live? Or haven’t you given that trivial little matter any thought?’
‘I hope to get a job. Perhaps train for something.’
‘At your age?’
‘I’m only thirty-eight.’
‘People are retired at forty these days.’ He gave a bitter, sarcastic laugh. ‘Easy to see you’ve never had to cope with the real world.’
Ann sensed genuine spite behind the words. Understandable. It was not only her world that was being shaken up today. But it was still a shock to realise that the person to whom she had given almost half her life didn’t even like her.
‘Anyway,’ Lionel continued sulkily, ‘you haven’t answered my question. And I can tell you right now we won’t be moving far from this area. My work must and will continue even though I may no longer be able to offer a refuge to those in need.’
‘I don’t see why not,’ replied Ann, driven to bluntness by this blithe assumption that they would still be rolling merrily along in double harness. ‘You’ll just have to find somewhere with enough space.’
‘Find . . . enough . . .’
‘With a spare room.’
‘What?’ Lionel’s face showed utter bewilderment which gradually dissolved into an alarmed understanding. ‘You can’t mean.’
‘You don’t listen, do you, Lionel? It’s been all of two minutes since I told you I haven’t been happy for years.’
A long pause.
‘Well, we’ll just have to do something about that, won’t we?’ said Lionel, adding an awkward and tentative, ‘dear’.
Faced with this grating sycophancy, Ann winced. ‘It’s too late.’
‘I see.’ At this Lionel gradually became so puffed up with outrage it seemed he might rise naturally into the air and float to the ceiling. ‘So this is the reward I get for a lifetime of devoted service?’