A Perfect Momen(8)

I shrug my shoulders and frown. “Leslie, Theo, and Baby Marisa mostly.”

His brows lift archly. “Anyone outside of your family?”

I clench my jaw because I can tell he’s asking a question he already knows the answer to and it irks me. “Not really. I help out with the baby a lot. And I’m back working with my brother again. We’re busy.” The truth is I don’t have many friends left after spending the last four years drinking my life away. And eventually trying to take my life.

“Any word from Reyna?”

My eyes cloud over at the mention of her name. “She texts occasionally. I don’t really engage much with her.”

He simply nods and I let out an exasperated laugh. “We’ve already established that she’s not a good friend for me to lean on. Now you want me to go out and make new friends? How am I supposed to know what kind of friends are safe?” I challenge him.

“Hayden, it’s not about making friends. It’s about putting yourself out there. There are lots of people you can converse with who wouldn’t be anything like what Reyna was to you. I’m just noticing a pattern here. You’ve lived with your brother, his fiancé, and their new baby for three months now. You don’t appear to be showing an effort to intermingle with people outside of your family, to become a part of society once again.”

“I disagree with you,” I jeer, slicing my hand through my hair. “I’m getting up in front of hundreds of people to tell my entire bloody story. That seems like the definition of putting myself out there.”

The doctor smirks and nods again, which only further frustrates me. I stand up and stride over to the window to gaze down at the busy west end London traffic. A red double-decker bus full of tourists passes by. I’d give anything to be out there as a foreigner on holiday and oblivious to the shite that goes on in here.

“So what then? You don’t think my speech will be much of a challenge?” I snap, looking over my shoulder at him.

“I didn’t say that.” He sighs heavily and narrows his eyes at me, obviously gauging my temper.

“I’m reading between the lines.” I like Doc because he doesn’t bullshit me. But I get tired of having to find all the answers myself. Him questioning my recovery like this makes me feel insecure at a time when I’m desperate to prove to everyone that I’m not the same person. “Come on now. Out with it, Doc. Tell me one thing that could be more challenging.”

“Look, Hayden, you’ve done the twelve steps. You’ve told your story in group therapy. You’re staying clean. These are all good things, so let’s focus on those.”

I walk back over to my seat. “Don’t hold back on me now, Doc. Come on! Challenge me,” I dare, tossing my hands out wide as I sit back down. I always did love a challenge.

He shrugs his shoulders like he was expecting my reaction. “I just wonder how you would react if I asked you to tell your story to a single person. Not a room full of others in therapy. Not a ballroom full of people. Telling your story to an audience full of strangers is one thing. Finding someone whom you can sit down with and look in the eyes and tell your story to is completely another. Not a family member or a close friend. Rather, an acquaintance. The point is you’re not just talking at them, you’re engaging with them. They’ll likely have questions and comments. You’d have to field them all with an open mind.”

“And you think that’s the ultimate challenge,” I scoff arrogantly, but feel a churning in my abdomen over the idea.

Doc shrugs. “You said you’ve been recalling the days leading up to your attempt?”

“Yeah,” I reply, grimacing at where he’s going with this.

“All right. Let’s try this…Find one person and tell them about the five days you experienced leading up to your attempt. Be honest. Be open. Be vulnerable. It will be difficult and it will pull you back to that time, but getting it out will be the ultimate test to your recovery. We’ll call it the ‘Countdown Challenge’.”

“Bloody hell,” I snap. “I thought this was why I am doing that big gala speech. To test myself…To push my recovery.”

“You’re doing that speech for many reasons, Hayden—one of which is for your family. It is a benefit they began for you, after all. But both of these challenges will push you in different ways.” He pauses, scratching his beard as he attempts to collect his thoughts. “Let me ask you this. Do you remember how important Leslie felt to you the day she found you?”

I nod, wincing at the flashback that blasts through my mind’s eye.