A Momentary Marriage(71)
“Ah.”
“I tell myself I shouldn’t.”
“Why not? He’s your husband; it seems quite permissible to me.”
“But I’m not sure that I love him. I am sure he will never love me. And that makes it just lust, doesn’t it?”
“Perhaps it’s not sacred. But it’s legal.” Abby smiled, her eyes twinkling. “And James is very pleasing to the eye.”
Laura laughed, though her cheeks still burned. “He is, isn’t he? It gives me shivers when he smiles in that wicked way, as if he knows something is sinful but he wants you to enjoy it with him anyway. His eyes light up silver, and he has such disgustingly thick black eyelashes. And when he kisses me, I—” She stopped, words failing her, and shook her head. “I shouldn’t be talking about this.”
“Oh, you should. You absolutely should,” Abby told her. “So the situation is thus: you’re married, and he wants you, and you want him.”
“It sounds terribly silly when you put it like that, doesn’t it?”
“No. I understand. You’re like Graeme. You want to do what’s right, and just because something is acceptable doesn’t mean it’s right.”
“I’m not even sure James desires me.”
“You just said he kissed you. I doubt it was charity.”
“Yes, but it was when James was in a fever. He was delirious, out of his head. That’s not very encouraging, is it?”
“He hasn’t kissed you any other time?”
“At the ceremony, of course, and once here in the garden, but that was just for show. He didn’t want his relatives to know how ill he was.” Laura added in a rush, “And also the other day.”
“Then he’s kissed you four times. We’ll dismiss the wedding kiss, and I’ll even omit the one ‘for show,’ though it seems to me that kissing someone isn’t necessary to prove you aren’t ill. There’s one when he’s feverish, which is open for debate. That still leaves you with one kiss that was clearly intentional.”
“Yes. Oh, yes.”
“With no other motive than that he wanted to. Do you think James goes about giving out kisses indiscriminately?”
Laura laughed. “No, definitely not. But after he kissed me, he jerked away as if he’d touched a hot stove and began to talk about the boundaries of our agreement. Then he told me he was going to move back into his bedroom.”
“Boundaries? What do you mean?”
“What we agreed to at the beginning—you know, that it would be a marriage in name only.”
“But that was when he thought he was about to die. I cannot imagine he wants an entire lifetime of celibacy. Nor can I see why he would kiss you if he didn’t want to.”
“Then why did he pull away?”
“I don’t know. Men are odd creatures. You said James doesn’t want anyone to really know him. Maybe he’s afraid that if he went further, he would be revealing too much of himself. That he would . . . I don’t know, be handing you the key to unlock him.”
“But he has slept with other women. I’m sure of it.”
“No doubt. But there’s a good deal of difference between a mistress and a wife. A man can lie with a prostitute and take the pleasure, but he doesn’t give up anything of himself.”
“It’s a business proposition. A contract. James likes contracts.”
“Exactly. It’s an exchange: he gives her money and she gives him, well, you know. But when there are feelings involved, when you are close to someone, it isn’t a barter, but a mutual sharing, and he would be giving you not money, but something of himself. Then he can be hurt.”
“But so can I.”
“True. It’s a risky endeavor.” Abby smiled. “But well worth it, I think. James wants you; all he needs is a little push.”
“A push?” Laura looked at her, intrigued.
“Yes. An alluring dress. A little flirtation. That sort of thing.”
Laura looked doubtful. “I haven’t any alluring dresses.” She waved her hand down her dress.
“Get some new ones. I doubt James would begrudge you a new wardrobe.”
Laura laughed. “It irritates him that I haven’t bought any new clothes. I believe he thinks I’m dowdy.”
“Maybe he just wants to give you something.”
“Maybe.” Laura could not help but smile at that thought. “I haven’t had the time to go to London on a shopping expedition. I’ll be in mourning for months yet, and it seems wasteful to buy new clothes in black and then not wear them when the year is up.”