A Momentary Marriage(118)

“Well,” Laura said after a silence that stretched his nerves. She let out a breathy little laugh. “That was the most graceless declaration of love I would ever hope to hear.”

James flicked a black look at her. “I am well aware that I have made myself a figure of fun.”

“James . . .” She laid her hand on his arm. He flinched, but did not pull away. “Do you mean it? You love me?”

“Of course I mean it. How many times must I say it?” He kept his head turned, unable to face what he might see in her eyes.

“Only a few thousand more.” Laura slid her hand up his arm soothingly. “Why do you make it so hard? Why do you hate it that you feel something for me?”

“It’s not ‘something.’ It’s everything.” James could not keep from turning to her even though he knew all he felt must show on his face. “I am lost. I’ve given my heart utterly into your hands. And I know—”

“What? What do you know?” She moved closer, gazing up into his eyes. “What is it that terrifies you?”

“You will never feel for me what you did for Graeme,” he said roughly, pulling his arm from her grasp and taking a step back. “I know that I will never have you, that you will always wish, deep down, that I were he.”

James started to move past her, but Laura grabbed the front of his waistcoat, and though she could not have held him, he stopped. He fixed his gaze on the back of the chair beside him, painfully afraid that if he looked at her, he might break down and beg her for her love.

“James. Look at me.” Laura took his chin in her hand and turned his face to her, gazing straight into his stormy eyes. “I am not like your mother.”

He half shrugged. “I know. It’s not in your nature to be unfaithful.” Slowly, as if the words were pulled from him, he went on, “But I won’t have you. You’ll never be truly mine.”

“Of course you have me. All I am is yours. You say you have given your heart into my hands. Well, I have done the same. I have put everything into your keeping—my heart, my soul, my happiness. Every day without you has been bitter.”

He watched her warily.

“Listen to me.” She tugged sharply on the lapels of his jacket. “I loved Graeme many, many years ago. People change; feelings change. I still care for him as one cares for a . . . a cousin, say. But I don’t love him as I love you.”

He sucked in a nearly inaudible breath, his heart stuttering in his chest. “Do you?”

“Love you? Of course I do. Surely you must know I love you.”

“No.”

Laura took his hand in both of hers and lifted it, laying a soft kiss in his palm, then cradling it against her cheek. “Then you’re right, you are a fool. I’ve loved you since . . . well, I won’t say from the start, because you were excessively aggravating. But I’ve loved you for a long, long time. Since those long, awful nights when I sat there and listened to your breathing, so frightened it would stop.”

“That was pity.” He struggled to hold down the hope rising inside him.

“It wasn’t pity. It was admiration for the strength of your spirit. Your refusal to give up.”

“My stubbornness.”

“Yes, your stubbornness. And your heart. I fell in love with you. The you inside, the one who loves art and music and beauty, the one who wanted to give me a future.”

“Ah . . . the mawkish one.” Everything began to loosen inside him. “Lady Eugenia would tell you that comes from my mother’s side of the family.”

“It comes from your heart,” she corrected, poking her forefinger into his chest to illustrate. “And do not quote the dowager countess to me.”

He trailed his fingertips down the side of her face. “That was the part of me that was ill.”

“It’s always there. You were simply too sick to hide it then. I was able to see past the substantial armor you usually have in place. I know there’s more to you, much more. And you see, I love all the men you are.”

“All?” A smile began in his eyes. “My. You must be a woman of diverse tastes.”

“I am.” Laura’s face glowed. “I love the man who is a cynic, who cuts through pretense like a sword. I love the pragmatic man who makes sure all his business is wrapped up before he dies and the kind man who does that in order to ease the pain of those he leaves behind.”

“I think you attribute some undeserved qualities to these men, but go ahead.” James hooked his arm around her waist, holding her loosely against him. “Tell me more about your lovers.”