Maybe she did. But she couldn’t take going through life in slow motion. She hadn’t had any panic attacks while on them, but she hadn’t felt anything else. She would rather live in terror than exist like that.
She filled a cup with water as she thought about the sleeping medication also in her cabinet. She could take it tonight, but it would make it impossible for her to make it to work tomorrow. She needed a good eight hours of sleep before they wore off. And she didn’t want to take something that made it hard to wake up. She didn’t want to exist in that dream.
While staring at the bottles, she tossed the aspirin in her mouth and then drank the water. It was a tiny bit of defiance, or maybe she was trying to test her resolve. She would not succumb to them. Not tonight.
She turned off the light and walked back into her bedroom. A glance at the clock told her she wouldn’t be getting much more sleep, so she went into the kitchen to start coffee.
She waited at the counter and thought about her embarrassing behavior. What the hell had she been thinking? She hadn’t been.
The problem was she felt smothered. Everyone was mothering her, handling her with kid gloves. It had fit her when she was on the drugs. It hadn’t bothered her at all. Hell, she couldn’t feel a damn thing on them. So what was a little overbearing from well-meaning friends? And she had needed it if she were honest with herself. Mike had been a complete ass about the whole thing, and when she had needed someone to lean on he had left. It wasn’t the way she had expected that relationship to work out. In fact, they had talked of marriage, but that had dissolved because of Greg’s behavior. Of course, if there was one thing that came out of what had happened, it was learning what a complete loser Mike had been. He might be considered a celebrity chef, but he was an ass in her book.
But some of her dreams had disappeared when he’d left... They had talked of opening up a restaurant together. She sighed, but that idea was no longer viable. Right now, she didn’t know what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. And that was fine. Even if she had to repeat that phrase a few times.
Mike had tried to mend fences months later after the attack. While she had accepted his apology, she has sent him packing. She didn’t need a man who wouldn’t stand by her when she needed him.
Her coffee machine dinged that it was ready and she filled a cup and walked into the small kitchenette area. The dream might have cropped up because of her behavior. The rush of emotions could have brought on the nightmare that had plagued her after the attack. Or could it be that she was sliding? She waited for the regular panic to fill her, but it didn’t. In fact, the only thing she felt right now was well, being embarrassed as hell.
She closed her eyes and the image of Kai’s expression when she left him standing in the parking lot came to the forefront of her mind. Damn, she had been such a bitch. It hadn’t really been his fault. No, partially it was his fault.
Did she really believe the bullshit that he didn’t come around her because he couldn’t keep his hands off her? She scoffed and took a sip of coffee. As she went over the night in her mind, little things came to mind. His knee kept brushing against hers, and every now and then he’d seemed to lean closer to her. Maybe there had been a little truth in that. He had been beyond aroused when she’d kissed him. She’d felt the long, hard length of him through their layers of clothing.
She sighed. It still didn’t make it right that he was giving her space without telling her, other than the cryptic comments. That pissed her off. Maybe it was because people had been walking on eggshells around her for months. Even before Greg had attacked her, she had become a raving bitch. Hard not to with her boss and mentor hassling her, making her life a living hell. Not to mention Mike accusing her of cheating. She had started to implode and had gone full diva on more than one employee.
With a sigh, she realized she would have to apologize to Kai. It was going to suck, but she would do it. Then, the ball would be in his court.
“Hey, Kai, isn’t that your lady?” Vince said. For the second time in as many days, there was someone waiting for him when they docked. This time it was Jocelyn. Damn, she looked good. She was wearing another halter dress, this one in sunny yellow. It was cut down far enough to give him a fantastic view of the swell of her breasts. He sighed.
“Damn, if you aren’t going to date her, do you mind if I call her?” Tommy asked.
He resisted the urge to break Tommy’s legs and then beat him over the head with an oar. Barely.
“No. You stay away from her or I’ll kill you.”
Tommy said nothing for a second, then, “That’s not like you at all.”