She blinks at me. “Food?” Like it’s a foreign concept.
“Food.” I open the door for her. “Gotta keep your strength up.”
That stubborn look comes into her eyes, but I shake my head. “Nuh-uh. You’re pregnant, too, Paige. Neglecting yourself isn’t going to help Bethany.”
Suddenly the fight goes out of her, and her shoulders slump. “You’re right.” She slides into her seat.
I close the door and get behind the wheel, thinking, Well, that was easy enou—
“I really don’t want to go to a restaurant though,” she says. “Can we just eat at home?”
“Sure. Let’s call the housekeeper.”
The drive back is somber. Silence hangs heavily, but neither of us breaks it. I’m aware of her breathing, the way she’s looking out the window without seeing anything. It’s as though the happy glow from the visit with Dr. Silverman vanished, just like that, and only an ashen dullness remains.
The chef has prepared grilled cheese sandwiches with salad, and it’s all probably delicious. At least the texture’s nice, but I can’t taste anything even though I’m forcing myself to take hearty bites. I suspect Paige is the same from the way she nibbles at the corners of her sandwich. A sparrow would be taking in more calories.
“Paige, come on,” I say. “Eat.”
“Sorry. I just…don’t have any appetite.” She puts the food down, resting her elbows on the table and buries her face in her hands. “It feels wrong to eat now.”
“Bethany wouldn’t want you to skip meals.”
“I know, but…” She sighs. “It’s like, I’m okay, and my baby’s okay, and she and her baby are maybe not okay. And between the two of us, the fact is, she’s the one who deserves a baby more.”
Her voice carries sorrow and an odd thread of self-recrimination, and my heart aches for her. “What is this, a competition?” I say, trying to lighten the mood. “You both deserve good things. You both deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Just like every expectant mother.”
“But Bethany and Oliver have tried so hard to have a child. They’re married, and stable, and can provide the best of everything. So why me? I’m pregnant with my ex’s baby, who by the way is such a jerk that he secretly filmed us having sex and then put it up for all the world to see. I’m using you so I won’t be a poor single mom, and so you’re forced to go to the doctor’s appointment to…” She shakes her head. “God, we were at Dr. Silverman’s office, looking at my baby, hearing its heart beat, while Bethany…Bethany…” She chokes and stops. “Excuse me.” She jumps to her feet and runs upstairs.
I sit for a moment, wanting to give in to tiredness. Then I push my chair back and level myself out of it. Nope. Nuh-uh. Not going to let her get wound up like this. Not going to give those toxic emotions a chance to fester.
I go after her.
Chapter Seventeen
Paige
I run into my suite and shut the door behind me. Tears scald my cheeks, and I press a fist against my mouth to muffle the sound. Once I get myself slightly under control, I slip off my rain boots, put them in the closet, and then just sort of stop, wondering what to do.
I know Ryder is right about my stepsister and me both deserving good things in life. But I’m also right. Bethany is the one who can provide a better life for a baby. Every statistic and study I’ve read says she has all the pieces in place to raise a child successfully. And I don’t.
It makes the world seem hopeless, and I start crying again.
Ryder walks in without knocking. He plucks a few Kleenexes and hands them to me. I wipe my eyes and stand there, apparently unable to do anything but weep.
He pulls me closer and sits on the edge of the bed. “Paige, don’t. You’re going to make yourself sick.”
“I’m fine,” I croak.
“Then why are you crying like this?”
I shake my head since, of course, I can’t answer him and I’m not really fine.
“Just listen to me, okay?” He rocks me gently without waiting for a response. “Do you really think your baby deserves a lesser chance than Bethany’s because you aren’t married or I’m not the father or…whatever?” He shakes his head. “You have no idea how much I wanted that baby when we were at the doctor’s and I heard its heartbeat. Who the father is wasn’t even on my mind. The only thing that matters is that it’s your baby—a part of you. That is more than enough for me to want it.”
A lump bigger than both of my fists combined lodges in my throat, and I can’t breathe through the hot emotions swirling in my heart.