“To do anything at all I must find him, and I have no idea how, because before this I should have asked Cyprian to do it, and now I find myself in the state of a man who has lost his right hand and yet is eternally attempting to reach for things!”
“Breathe,” Dominic recommended. “I am well aware you are in an unhappy situation here. But…I must be frank: Silas spoke to Cyprian that night, and he now feels, ah, protective.”
“ ‘Protective.’ That is to imply that Cyprian requires protection from me?”
“I have this at third hand, Rich. I simply repeat what was said.”
“You know I would not hurt—” Richard began, and stopped.
“Quite. You would hurt a man you cared for, you did, and it sounds very much as though you have again. I love you dearly, my friend, but if you will not learn, then perhaps your monastic solitude is for the best.”
Richard swallowed against the constriction of his throat. “Dominic…”
“No, listen to me. I want you to think before you speak. I want your word as a Vane and a gentleman that you will step off your damned high pedestal and stop expecting everyone around you to abide by your will.”
“I don’t—”
“You do, whether you know it or not. You are not the arbiter of morals. I have told you that. You do not always know best. You need to listen. If you’re going to pursue this business with Cyprian, you will need to listen to him. And if you cannot do that, I want your word that you will not pursue this at all.”
“You are very concerned for Cyprian,” Richard growled.
“I don’t give a curse for your blasted valet. I never liked him anyway.”
“What? Why not?”
Dominic started to answer, stopped, and then said, with a rueful look, “Now I think about it, probably because you did. He was so close to you, so…intimate. And you put such trust in him.”
Richard shut his eyes. He did not know what his face showed, and at this moment, he could not care. He wanted Cyprian so badly that the absence felt like a gouge in his chest.
“I recall I came to see you once, perhaps a year and a half ago,” Dominic said with an odd gentleness. “Francis had lost his senses at the card tables and taken Ash for everything but his coat, and we needed to discuss what on earth we would do if he couldn’t make the young idiot win it back.”
Richard nodded. That had been quite spectacular even for Ash and Francis, although the problem had solved itself by igniting their affair.
“You were still dressing, so I came upstairs. Cyprian was doing something to your boots. You were sitting, and he was kneeling, and I thought…a knight before his lord.” Richard opened his eyes at that. Dominic gave a slightly embarrassed shrug. “I had been reading the Morte d’Arthur, and it came into my head. What I mean to say is that if he were not your valet I suspect this would have been obvious a long time ago. Oh, Richard. Are you in love?”
“Painfully.” Richard’s throat felt tight. “For years. I have told myself again and again that I may not, but…”
“It doesn’t work, does it?” Dominic said, mouth wry. “The heart does as it damned well pleases. I retract my remark, with apologies. If you care for the fellow, you have my full support. I may add that Silas both likes and respects him, and that is not something one can say for many people. What I wanted to say, though, was that I am concerned not for him but for you.”
“You don’t need to be concerned for me.”
“Of course not. You are always the one who gives help, and heaven forfend you should need it yourself. You might not be sufficiently useful then.”
Richard found he had no response to that. Dominic went on without waiting for one. “You told me once that one cannot love across a divide. Well, one can, but it is damned hard work. One can cause a great deal of hurt without intending it. You have.”
“Dom—”
“Sssh.” Dominic put a hand to Richard’s arm, a comforting but silencing touch. “I am very fond of you, my friend, but your feet are large, and your tread is heavy. I don’t want to see you make another mistake. You are still paying for the last one.”
Richard breathed deeply. “I should rather not make one. You have my word, Dom, or Mason has it, since you speak as proxy. I will do my best, although what that will be I don’t know.”
“Thank you. He’s gone to his mother’s house.”
“What the— How do you know that?”
“I thought about what I knew of his friends and acquaintances and asked them, much as you might have.”