My pulse quickens as I grit my teeth and stare out at the river. This is exactly why I can’t ever have normal friendships or relationships. People get nosy.
“Me being home by dark isn’t for her, it’s for me. I hate wearing a watch and lose track of time easily. But my grandma is elderly and likes to eat dinner early and go to sleep. So I make it a rule to be home well before then so that I can take care of her.” The lie comes easily, as I’ve used it countless times before. This doesn’t make me feel any better, though. Just once I wish I could have an honest conversation with someone.
He pauses, as if sensing my discomfort. “Okay, I understand. I promise to have you home in time,” he says quietly, fiddling with his fishing pole.
“But I enjoy being here. Even if our reason for not being at school today is such an awful one…” I say, trying to steer the conversation away from me.
“Why do you do it? Go to school?”
So much for that idea. “Well, because I have to. I promised Tatiana I’d graduate.”
“Why does she want you to go?”
“Well,” I pause, slightly unnerved by his odd questions, “because whose parents or guardian wouldn’t want their child to at least finish high school? I mean, I know we’re a small town, but we’re not that hillbilly.”
He laughs. “No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, what does she want you to get from it? Education? Friends? Social skills? A diploma for her wall?”
“Oh. I, uh… she just wants me to have a normal life like everyone else, I guess.”
“And how’s that working out for you?”
I pause. “What do you mean?”
“Is it working? Are you having a normal life like everyone else?”
“I dunno. I guess so,” I whisper, my heart pounding.
“I see. And is that what you want? To be normal? Is that what makes you happy?”
The corners my mouth turn down as I stare at the ripples in the water. How can I talk to him without sounding like a complete nut-job? My initial impulse is to lie. Say everything is great. I love school, have fantastic friends, am eagerly looking forward to college in the fall, and already have a sorority picked out.
But as I turn my head and look into his eyes, I hear myself speaking only the truth. “For me, school has been nothing but an experiment in torture for the past five years. I don’t learn anything there, and if it was possible to actually die of boredom, they’d have to bury me every day.” My eyes shift down, unable to meet his gaze. “I don’t really have any friends. A few acquaintances, but no one I’m really close to. Everyone thinks I’m weird and stuck-up and anti-social. The teachers all hate me. They think I’m throwing away my future just because I don’t want to go to Harvard or Yale. I despise everything about it, and if it wasn’t for Tatiana I would’ve happily dropped out long ago.”
“And done what?” he asks gently, unfazed by my admission.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what would you do with yourself? Get a job at the mall? Watch soap operas all day? Get married and have babies? Join the Peace Corps…or maybe the circus?”
Despite my anxiety, I chuckle. “I don’t know…I haven’t really thought about it…it’s not even an option, so why bother?”
He grins and runs his hand absently through his dark hair. “Well, what about for fun? What do you like to do when you’re not suffering the excruciating agony of the world of academia?”
“I hang out by myself in the woods a lot…” Ugh, even I know how weird that sounds. “I spend time with Tatiana,” I add hurriedly. “I like reading, especially poetry. I like learning things on my own…especially anything to do with sciences. I’m teaching myself to speak French and Italian. Also how to play the guitar… I like to watch old movies, especially the ones filmed in black and white…” God, I sound even lamer breaking it down like that. I wish I could’ve listed Lucky’s resume; She wouldn’t come across as prime candidate for Freaky Nerd-Geek of the Year.
“What about at night after your grandmother has gone to sleep?”
“What do you mean? I don’t do anything. Why do you ask?” I hope I don’t sound as nervous as I feel. Where is he going with these questions?
His eyes narrow. “It’s just…you mentioned how she goes to bed early. I was just wondering how you spend your evenings, if you get lonely or bored being all by yourself. Do you ever go out?”
I gulp and look away. “No…not really. Just take care of stuff and turn in kinda early myself. I’m not really a night owl.”