A Curve in the Road(38)

I reread the message, edit a few words and phrases, and hit “Send” before I change my mind. Then I sit back and stare at my phone, wondering if Nathan has received it yet.

As I imagine him reading it, my stomach erupts into butterflies because I’ve just confessed that I like him more than I should and that I find him handsome. That was very bold, but it’s easier to be bold in a text message. I’m not sure I would have the courage to say all those things if I were standing in front of him in his office.

A little while later, my phone chimes, and my pulse quickens. I pick up my phone and begin to read.

Hi Abbie. Thanks for being so honest about how you are feeling, and don’t worry, it makes total sense and I don’t hate you. Since we’re being honest, I’ll confess that I like you too, so I can’t pretend that all our encounters have been innocent. I’ve found you attractive since the first moment I laid eyes on you sitting with Winston in my ICU. So there you have it. It’s out in the open. But I totally understand where you’re coming from and that you need to think of your son and that you’re still grieving. It’s like we said that day in my clinic—when you’re a parent, you can’t enjoy the luxury of putting your own needs first. But our kids are worth it, aren’t they? I sure do love my girls, more than life itself.

So I’ll say goodbye now. But please know that if you ever need to talk, I’m always here. Take care of yourself, and keep on hanging in there.

Nathan

When I finish reading his message, my eyes well up with tears because he has been so unbelievably kind and understanding, and I can’t deny that I feel a pulsing little thrill to hear that he finds me attractive. After everything I’ve learned about Alan and Paula, it’s nice to know I’m not a total loser. But what moves me most is the way Nathan ended his message, the same way he has ended so many others—with a door that continues to remain open.





CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

September

This is it—the moment I’ve been dreading for months. Zack gets on a plane today and will fly halfway across the country to start university. I won’t see him until Thanksgiving.

We’ve never been apart that long before, and he’ll no longer be my little boy. There will be no more school lunches or chauffeuring him to hockey games and parties on weekends. No more calling up the stairs to wake him on a Saturday morning, when he’d probably sleep until noon if I let him.

At least I’m not alone at the airport, saying goodbye to him. Maureen is with me because Zack and Jeremy are traveling together on the same flight to Ontario, and though they won’t be roommates, they’ll be living in the same residence at Western. Maureen and I have been consoling each other all week in anticipation of this moment.

“Do you have your wallet?” I ask Zack after we’ve checked his large suitcase and are walking toward security.

“Yes, Mom, I have everything. Don’t worry.”

“What about your toothbrush? Did you pack that?”

He stops dead in his tracks and gapes at me with horror. “Oh my God.”

Fire explodes in my stomach.

“I left it in the bathroom. What am I gonna do? We have to go back.” Then he smiles, and I realize he’s teasing me. It’s something Alan would have done.

I slap him playfully on the arm. “You’re a scalawag.”

“But you still love me.”

“Always.”

“And did you seriously just say scalawag?”

I laugh. “I think I might have.”

We reach the entrance to security before departures, and Maureen and I stop. Zack and Jeremy dig out their IDs and boarding passes to show the guard. Then they turn to hug us one last time.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” I say to Zack as I squeeze him tight and wish I didn’t have to let go, ever.

“I’ll miss you too,” he replies, “but don’t worry, Mom. We’re gonna be fine. You and me both.”

I step back and run my fingers over the collar of his jean jacket, noticing how tall he’s become. “I know. But I can’t promise I won’t worry about you. It’s my job as a mother.”

He begins to back away, and my breath catches in my throat. I feel like he’s slipping from my grasp. I want to dash forward, pull him into my arms again, and keep him close. Forever. But I know I can’t.

Then suddenly, I remember that I’d wanted to give him something special today.

“Wait!” I reach into my purse. “I meant to give this to you before we left the house.” I wrap my hand around Alan’s gold watch and hold it out to Zack. “This is for you. You should have it.”

He returns to me and takes hold of it, stares at the face. “This was Dad’s.”

“Yes. I gave it to him on our tenth wedding anniversary.”

Zack’s eyes lift. “He wore it every day. This means a lot to me, Mom. Thank you. I’ll wear it every day too.” He kisses me on the cheek one more time, then starts to back away. “I’ll text you when we board.”

“Okay. Safe travels. And text me when you land as well.”

Jeremy turns to enter the queue, but Zack doesn’t move. He stands for a few more seconds, his eyes fixed on mine. He looks at me with affection, and I know he doesn’t want to leave me. At the same time, he can’t wait to start this new adventure.

“I love you,” he says.

“I love you too.”

“Bye.” He finally turns to go but glances over his shoulder to wave at me one last time before he disappears around the corner.

As soon as he’s gone, I burst into tears.

Maureen hugs me and rubs my back. “We’re going to be okay.”

“Yes.” I pull myself together and wipe my tears. “But now what do we do?”

She takes a deep breath and exhales. “We go home, look at their bedrooms, and cry our eyes out. Then we marvel at the fact that our houses are going to be so much easier to keep clean from now on.”

I laugh, but my eyes fill with fresh tears at the same time. Maureen and I hug each other again. Then we turn away and head back to her car.

When I arrive home a half hour later, I walk into my quiet house and don’t care that it’s going to be easier to keep clean. I would prefer the mess if it meant Zack could still be here, filling my world with laughter and conversation.

Maureen, you’re lucky. At least you have a husband at home and another child still in junior high school. My house is truly an empty nest now. It’s just Winston and me.

Just as I think that, Winston lumbers over to where I am standing in the kitchen, feeling lost and unsure about what to do with myself. He sits down and pants and stares at me with that intense look I know so well.

“You need to go outside, don’t you?”

He snaps his mouth shut, then opens it again.

“How about a walk?”

He rises to his feet and trots to the back door, tail wagging.

I follow and grab his leash, then catch myself smiling because it’s nice to know that someone very special still needs me. And it’s a beautiful day for a walk.





CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

October

It’s a blissful, blue-skied Saturday. A day off. I’m wearing a long woolly sweater over a turtleneck and jeans, and I’m enjoying the autumn sunshine as I take Winston for another long walk around our neighborhood.

My medications have been a godsend, and I’ve had no problems staying awake in my new position at a large established family practice here in Halifax, where somehow, by word of mouth, I’ve become the most recommended family doctor in the city for patients with sleep disorders. I’ve also been working closely with the neurologists who run the sleep disorder clinic where I was initially tested for narcolepsy.

All this has led to other adventures as well. In the past four months, I’ve spoken about sleep disorders at Harvard, Stanford, and a few conferences, and I’ve appeared on three television news programs as an expert on the topic. I’m now an unofficial spokesperson for a narcolepsy organization, offering hope and inspiration to those who find themselves challenged with the affliction.

Professionally speaking, I feel as if I’ve found my true calling. The field of sleep medicine has become my passion, and it’s very exciting because it’s constantly evolving.

When it comes to my personal life, there are still moments of loneliness in that big house all alone, but I do my best to take life one day at a time. My sister, Carla, calls often, and sometimes we talk for hours about our jobs, our kids, and the world in general. Maureen and I meet regularly for coffee, and we see movies with Gwen and Kate, and I’m always socializing with people from work. As for Nathan, I’ve not heard from him since our last texts, and I’m glad about that. I know I did the right thing when I cut things off between us, because I was in no position to get close to anyone.

Yet I think of him still.

My cell phone rings. I adjust Winston’s leash in my hand, pause on the sidewalk, and reach into my sweater pocket to answer it. The call display tells me it’s Zack, and I step lightly, skipping over a patch of freshly fallen leaves.

“Hi,” I say, smiling in the autumn sunshine.

“I just got your message,” Zack says. “What’s up with Gram?”