A Christmas to Remember(62)

He was on edge, his face crumpled in a scowl, his lips pressed together, his body tense—but for some unknown reason, Adam was letting his guard down. Maybe he was just falling apart, she wasn’t sure, but he was opening up to her. The fact that he could be candid with her made her feel warm despite the icy cold outside. She knew his irritation wasn’t directed at her. Everything she’d tried to get him closer to his family hadn’t worked, and she had absolutely no idea how she was going to help him, but she wanted to. More than anything.

How could she help him when his work required all his time? She understood his frustration because she, too, felt it. This was so hard, harder probably than anything else she’d ever done, but in trying, she felt strong. She was so close, she knew it. Adam was right here, being open and honest with her, which was a step in the right direction. Even though she didn’t know exactly what to do, she felt confident in trying to work it out.

She hadn’t said anything, but it was as if he could read her mind. His shoulders relaxed, and his head tilted to the side just slightly, his eyes fixed on her. It was the oddest thing: they looked at each other, and for the first time, she felt like he was on her side. Like he was going to try. Carrie knew he’d still have to leave to run the business, but she had a different perspective now. He understood what the people around him were feeling, but just like her, he didn’t know how to make it any better. As they looked at each other, it was as if they were together in this. She had no experience in it. But everything inside her wanted to help him. It wasn’t because she had a crush on him or because he was very wealthy or kind. It was because it was the first thing in a long time that she wanted to do as much as she wanted to be with children. His happiness made her feel something.

Even though Carrie had never answered him—and maybe he’d meant his question to be rhetorical—he turned toward the door, opened it wider and gestured for Carrie to exit. She still hadn’t cleaned up the fort, but he didn’t seem bothered, so she followed.

They entered the hallway together, side by side. It made her feel close to him. She wondered what it would be like to be by his side all the time. Adam’s whole life was completely different from anything she’d experienced. They walked silently together as she thought about her predicament: she was getting too invested in this family. She only had a few weeks left.

A look of wonder registered on Joyce’s face as the two of them entered the kitchen together. She scanned the both of them from top to bottom like she tended to do when she was processing the situation at hand, a small smile twitching at the corners of her lips. She was holding a glass of wine, the pile of supper dishes stacked on the counter behind her. The whole family was around the table, all their eyes on Carrie and Adam. Bruce was holding a cup of dice, some sort of marble game on the table in between them all.

“You’re a bad influence on Carrie,” Joyce said with amusement behind her words. “Now you’ve got her missing meals.”

She felt Adam look at her out of the corner of his eye as he laughed gently. She was not only happy that he hadn’t taken offense to Joyce’s comment, but also that Joyce had expected her at supper. She didn’t want to look up at Adam because she knew that if she saw that smile on his face, it would make focusing on the family much more difficult. She had to remember that she was the stranger in this scenario; she was the one who didn’t fit. Would someone like Andy fit? she wondered. She knew that she couldn’t be more to Adam than what she was. She could only be what he wanted her to be, and right now, it was just the nanny.

Sharon stood up and put her napkin on the table, causing a marble to roll across it and knock into the game board. It was the only sound in that big kitchen. “I’m finished,” she said as she scooted her chair under, standing behind it. “I’m going up to bed.” She glanced over at Adam, but this time it wasn’t an angry glance, it was a tired look, as if she were saying I’m too exhausted to get upset. Bruce and Eric both stood. To console her? Stop her from leaving? Carrie didn’t know. “It’s okay,” she said. “I’m just tired.” She looked at Adam again.

As she walked out of the room, Carrie remembered the desperate way that Adam had spoken in the playroom. He knew what Sharon wanted from him, but he didn’t know how to give her what she wanted or mend what was wrong between them. Carrie, too, wanted to help Sharon, but she didn’t know how either, nor did she feel it was her place. The tension in the room was thicker than the snow outside.