“Carrie?” a little voice whispered from the doorway of her room. “I’m awake.”
Carrie turned around, producing the biggest smile she could muster. David was standing with his white and blue train pajamas and a blanket in his hand. His hair was disheveled and his feet were bare. She noticed his long eyelashes as he blinked, the soft pink on his cheeks from sleep, the crease-mark on his forehead that his sheet had made, and she couldn’t deny that she loved this. It wasn’t his fault that her life was a mess. She’d only been with the children a few days and the thought of leaving them made her chest ache. She saw so much good in them, so much she could try to do to make their lives a little better. Look how quickly she’d gotten through to them. She was making a difference. “Are we the first ones up?” she asked, consciously trying to keep her voice cheerful.
“I think so,” he said.
She stood and pulled three small bouncy balls that all fit in the palm of her hand and a cup from the case of toys that she brought with her to every job. They were perfect for moments like these. “I have a game you can play while I get ready. See if you can bounce the balls into the cup. You only get one try for each ball. If you don’t get any in, you can start over.” She grabbed a handful of clothes and wadded them into her arms. From the en-suite bathroom door, she said, “My guess is that you can get it into the cup five times before I’m done. What do you guess?”
“Seven,” he said, smiling.
He was already bouncing when she went in to get ready for the day. She turned on the water at the sink and ran her toothbrush under the stream. She thought about her life, trying to weigh her options. Should she settle on another job? She imagined what it would be like to come home from work and have nothing to do in the evenings. As the thought entered her mind, she could feel a tightness forming in her chest as she realized that she didn’t know what to do with all that time. Where would she go? She hadn’t thought about where she’d live or with whom she’d spend her time. She didn’t even have any friends she could call. If she could just have someone who understood…
When Carrie was a little girl, she would dress up in her white dress and pretend she was getting married. All through her life, she imagined what life would be like as an adult. Even in college, her future had seemed wide open. She thought about big family dinners, romantic evenings, sunsets on vacation, cozy days by the fire. She was realistic enough to know that those things wouldn’t happen all the time, but she’d never fathomed that, for her, they wouldn’t happen. She wanted those things more than anything, so the idea of not having them worried her beyond words.
The process of meeting someone and investing enough time in them to find out if they were worth spending her life with seemed daunting. She was already in her thirties. What if it took a lot of people before she found The One? Could she end up settling on more than just a job? She knew she never could, and so there was a real possibility that she would end up alone for the rest of her life. How empty she would feel.
When she’d finished getting ready, she emerged from the bathroom to find that Olivia had joined David in his bouncing game. Wearing her long flannel nightdress with little pink roses, Olivia had her hands on her hips and a pout on her face. They were in a disagreement over whose turn it was. “Good morning,” she said to Olivia. “David, how many did you get?” she asked, trying to diffuse their argument.
“Four,” he said. He pursed his lips and looked at Olivia out of the corner of his eye. “It’s my go.”
“I have an idea. David, do you still have all three balls?” He nodded. “Let’s all take one, last go—one ball each—and then we can get ready for the day. I have a special art project planned, and I’m going to need both of you to help.”
That seemed to do the trick because they both perked up and David handed out the balls without a flinch. One more shot each, and they were running to their rooms to get dressed. She didn’t even have to help them—they each went into their rooms faster than she could whisper, “I’ll meet you downstairs.”
As she turned to go down the stairs, she met Adam as he was coming up. “Good morning,” she said, wishing she’d had a little more time to get ready for the day. She made a mental note to set her alarm for an hour earlier, now that she was getting used to the wake-times of the children. She nervously tucked her hair behind her ears to hide any lack of style. Just the sight of Adam made her worry. She wanted him to take her seriously, to know that she was every bit as intelligent as his colleagues and friends, but she just hadn’t had the opportunity to show him. It was all so silly, she knew that. She shouldn’t want to impress him at all, but there was something about him that drew her in and made her want to bring out the best in him, just like she did with the kids. But he had his own life, however he’d decided to live it. She could only hope to find someone one day who looked at her like he had those few times.