A Brutal Betrayal(8)

“Hmm, I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of time to think of things. I doubt you will be able to get me to think differently.”

“Then why are you here?”

“So that I can get over my fear of intimacy.”

“You know those people who love to put pressure on a wound so that they get used to the pain?” She nodded. “It sounds like that’s what you want. I can walk over to you and hold your hand until you finally lose all fight and become okay with it, but what good did that do? You got used to me, and maybe only me, touching your hand. I want to get to the bottom of things so that it isn’t just that you become used to my touch, but rather that you want me to touch you, and maybe even one day, desire it.” Declan swallowed hard, realizing the intimacy in his words. Her lips had parted slightly, and her eyes were locked on his, signaling that the insinuation was not lost on her either. He couldn’t look away, didn’t want to, but the reasonable part of his brain was worried he had pushed her too far and made her uncomfortable with his words. He looked away first, breaking whatever spell he had cast.

He cleared his throat before attempting to divert the conversation back. “So, uh, you understand what I am saying now, right?” She nodded in response, her eyes lowered so he was staring at her impossibly long eyelashes. So many inappropriate thoughts ran through his mind, and he needed to push them back. “Please answer my question, Megan.” It was a plea almost as much as it was his way to get them back on track. “You can talk to guys, you can flirt with them. Why can’t you go on a date with them?”

“I can flirt with people I’m comfortable with. Like you, for example, because I know you are trained at what you do and won’t overstep any boundaries.” He flinched internally at her choice of words. “But the thought of going on a date with someone I don’t know, being in a setting where anything can happen, causes me to stress out. I need to know what is going to happen, and there is no assurance of that with a random guy. I want to be able to do that, to throw caution to the wind and have fun.”

“Why?”

“Why what? Why do I want to have fun? Because I’m not normal and I want to be!” she cried out in frustration.

“Back to normal, huh? What’s normal? Who says dating the entire football team is normal? Who says being cautious and guarding yourself from the potential dangers isn’t normal?”

“Because you only live once and I’ve already wasted a good chunk of my life not living.”

“Ah. You want to live,” he stated, trying hard to keep the smug look of satisfaction at chipping away a layer off his face.

“Of course.”

“No, Megan, you don’t hear yourself. You don’t want to go out and date because you want to date. You want to go out and do that because it’s part of life. A life you haven’t been active in. I bet if we really took a look at things, you’d say there are plenty of other things you want to accomplish but are too afraid to do. You probably never realized they were related.”

She stared at him as if he had grown two horns. It was moments like this he wished he had the ability to read minds. Did he scare her off? Did he get it wrong? Why was she looking at him like that? She put her head down, and he felt like an ass. He knew what he had done was right, getting her to see the bigger picture. Yes, she was scared of intimacy, but it wasn’t just that. She was scared of life. She was passing through it with the skills she “got used to.” He wanted more for her, and it was on a deeper level than just as a patient. This beautiful woman with a quiet vibrancy shouldn’t be hidden beneath layers of pain and hurt. She should be out in the world making a statement. And he wanted to be a part of it.

“Megan, please look at me.” She lifted her head, and he saw the lone tear trail down her cheek. He couldn’t help the instinct to get up and go to her. When he sat next to her, she flinched, so he scooted away a bit. He took a tissue and held his hand near her face, searching her eyes for permission and when she lowered her head minutely, he pressed the tissue to her cheek. “Why the tears?” he asked. He was so close, yet so far, and he felt the warmth radiating from her; it felt nice. He couldn’t deny that.

“Because you are right, and I just realized it. I’m afraid of so much more than I thought I knew.”

“That’s nothing to cry about. That just means you are stronger than you thought because you’ve been able to survive even though your mind has been telling you not to.”

She gave him a weak smile.

“I have an assignment for you this week,” he announced, giving her a huge smile and finally pulling away from her cheek. He felt the loss instantly, but it didn’t matter.