I let the tears run, unchecked as he pulled me into a crushing embrace. When we separated, Janice was right there for a hug of her own. She wept into the fabric of my shirt as I held her tightly.
"We love you, Quinn," she whispered against my chest before taking a step back and wiping at her eyes.
My voice was ragged as I said, "I love you too. Both of you, and I'm sorry I put you guys through this." I cleared my throat again and shook my head. "I don't know how to let go of the guilt. I miss her every fucking day. It kills me a little more every time I think about her, but I can't let her go," I rasped. "I can't let her go," I repeated on a whisper.
"Who said you had to?" Janice asked quietly. "You'll never be able to let her go completely. You had a life together, you two made a beautiful child. But that doesn't mean you can't be happy. It doesn't mean you can't move on." She cupped my cheeks in her soft hands. "Honey, you can't stay stagnant like this, it's not right. She wouldn't want to see you so miserable. You have to move on, sweetheart."
My throat burned like fire as I asked, "How? How do I move on?"
She sniffled and her fingers clenched against my skin. "You start by forgiving yourself. If you can't do that on your own, let me and Garrett help you, please."
I took her wrists in my hands, not to remove them, but to absorb more of her touch. "I want to try," I whispered.
Janice smiled so brightly her eyes glittered, just like Addison's used to do. Her hands fell and she moved back to sit on the couch. Garrett joined her and wrapped an arm around his wife's shoulder. I followed suit and sat in the chair. "Do you know I heard you laugh - really laugh - at Sophia's birthday party for the first time in three and half years? That woman, Lilly? She whispered something to you and for just a second, you forgot to feel miserable and you let go."
I let out a little chuckle. "You're a lot more intuitive than I'd like."
"Don't feel bad for falling for her, son," Garrett chimed in, surprising me that he'd noticed as well. "She was a beautiful woman, and for a brief flash, she seemed to make you happy. Addy would want you to be happy."
I rubbed my hands against the stubble on my jaw and admitted, out loud for the very first time, something I'd known in my gut and my heart for months. "I love her."
"Then we're happy for you," Garrett said. "And we'd love a chance to get to know her."
"Is she helping you?" Janice asked. "Is she the reason you're finally here?"
That familiar shame came back in full force. "Not for the reasons you're thinking. I hurt her … badly. I want to make it right, but I knew I couldn't do that until I talked to you. I couldn't make an attempt to move on unless I fixed things between us."
Garrett leaned forward and clasped his hands between his thighs. "Well, son, if she's enough of a woman to make you want to let go of the past, then she already has my vote."
"Mine too," Janice added.
I hadn't realized it until they both said it, but that was exactly what I needed to hear. Their words, offered with so much sincerity, meant absolutely everything to me.
"HEY, SWEETHEART," I muttered as I brushed the snow from the cold stone that read:
Addison Mallick.
Beloved wife, mother, and daughter.
"I'm sorry it's taken me so long to visit. I've been a real asshole the past three and a half years. But you probably already knew that, huh?"
I smiled as I traced her name with the tip of my index finger. "It's taken me a long time to do a lot of things, honey, but I'm finally starting to heal everything I broke after you died." My voice dropped to barely above a whisper as I continued to talk to my wife. "I met someone. I didn't mean for it to happen. Hell, I didn't want it to happen for the longest time. But she got under my skin.
"I think you'd really like her. She's great with Sophia. She gives everything she has to the people she cares about, and she loves 'Landslide.'" I chuckled as I rested on my haunches. "She even taught that song to our daughter to help chase away bad dreams. How's that for coincidence?"
My palm flattened against the chilled marble, and I had to close my eyes and bow my head as I allowed my feelings to course through me. "I'll always love you sweetheart. Always. You'll have a piece of my heart until I take my last breath. But I think it's time I give another piece to Lilly. You'll be a part of me for the rest of my life, Addy. I'll make sure Sophia knows what an amazing woman her mother was, and how much we loved each other, but it was time for me to start moving on. I hope you're okay with that. I think you would be, but that doesn't make this any easier."