After losing her, I'd forgotten what it was like to be that happy. I'd grown so accustomed to carrying my sorrow with me, I couldn't remember what it was like to have my shoulders free of that miserable weight.
"If I remember correctly, you two stole away with about a thousand bucks of top-shelf booze in Addy's dress that night." My head jerked up at the sound of Garrett's voice. I hadn't even realized I was smiling, really and truly smiling, until I felt it slide from my face at the sight of him. I set the picture back on the mantle and turned to face my father-in-law. "Hello, Garrett."
He tipped his head at me. "Quinn. What can we do for you, son?"
Son. Christ. I took a step back in shock at his casual use of that word. Son. I hadn't heard that in so long. Hadn't deserved it.
I cleared my throat, hoping to dislodge the emotions welling up inside of it. "Can we … can we sit? There are some things I'd like to say to you and Janice."
He nodded, and he and his wife sat side by side on the sofa. I took the chair across from them, resting my elbows on my knees and wringing my hands together as I tried to recall the speech I had planned out for this very moment. But the words escaped me. I couldn't even remember where to start.
"Fuck," I hissed, raking my hands through my hair in frustration. "I don't know how to do this," I said, more to myself than to them.
"Do what, exactly?" Garrett asked, pulling me out of my head.
I looked between him and Janice as nerves started to take over, and I began to rock back and forth in the chair. "Apologize," I finally answered. "I came here to apologize to both of you, but nothing I can think to say is good enough. I want to tell you how sorry I am, but now that I'm here I'm fucking it all up."
Janice's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "Apologize to us for what, Quinn?"
I could hear the anguish in my own voice as I finally admitted, "Apologize for taking your daughter away from you. I'm so goddamned sorry for putting you through so much pain. I've wanted to say this to you for three and a half years, but I was too much of a fucking coward."
"You … " Janice trailed off and a lone tear breached her eyes and traveled down her cheek. She visibly struggled to find the words, but Garrett didn't have the same problem.
"You think we blame you for Addy's death?"
"It was my fault," I rasped, losing the tenuous hold I had on my emotions. I hadn't cried in years, not since I lost her, but now, sitting in front of two people who'd both earned my love and respect … well, it was all too much, and I felt the wet hit my eyes before I could do anything about it. "It's my fault. If I'd have been paying better attention-"
"It was an accident!" Garrett boomed. He stood from the couch and began pacing in agitation. "Jesus Christ, son. It was a goddamned accident. Is this what you've been thinking all these years? That we blame you for losing Addy?"
My gut clenched in discomfort. "You could barely look at me … "
"Because I was hurting. Christ, Quinn. No parent should ever have to bury their child. But I never, not once, blamed you for what happened that night."
I turned my wide eyes on Janice to see she was silently crying, her hand over her mouth. "Oh, Quinn, honey. How could you possibly think that?"
"Because it's the truth!" I shouted, shooting up from the chair. "You both know it, that's why neither of you spoke hardly a word to me before I left. You know it's true!"
Garrett's voice was suddenly so much lower when he stepped into my space. "Yes, I hardly spoke a word to you, except to fight with you when you informed us you were leaving, but not because I blamed you. Because I was pissed. We lost our daughter that night, our only child. No parent should ever have to feel that pain. But Janice and I were so goddamned thankful that you'd made it out alive. It was the only thing that got us through that time. But then you took yourself away from us, too. We didn't just lose Addy that night, Quinn. We lost you as well. And that pissed me off. Maybe I should have handled it better, son, but I didn't know what else to do.
"You wore your grief around your neck like a noose. There was no pulling you out of it. Every day you slipped further and further away, and goddamn it, I resented you for that. I was mad you shut us out. Because you're my son." His own tears broke free and made tracks down his face as he put his hands on my shoulders and squeezed, giving me a slight shake. "You've been a part of this family since the first time Addy brought you home. You always will be. I'm so sorry we've let this go on for so long, that we led you to believe you carried the blame. That stops now, son. Right this goddamned minute, you hear me?"