"You can't fix me, Quinn. And I can't fix you, no matter how badly either of us wants it. We both need to heal, and we can't do that as long as the other is holding us back."
His eyes squeezed shut and he shook his head like he was trying to dispel my words. When he finally opened them again, I felt the agony reflected in the jade depth down to my very soul. "What are you saying?"
I pulled in a deep, fortifying breath and finally said what I needed to say. "We aren't good for each other."
He shook his head again. His fingers clenched around mine to the point of pain. "That's not true," he objected desperately.
"It is," I whispered. "It is, Quinn. And it tears me apart to admit that, because I love you so much. But we can't keep doing this to each other. I need to get past losing my father, and you need to learn to cope with your past. I tried … I tried so hard to be what you needed, to help you see you didn't have to live like this, but I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry."
I finally let go of his hands and stood tall, moving away from the man who had my heart. It felt like an eternity, but what I'd said finally began to penetrate, and Quinn got to his feet, looking down at me like the thought of leaving gutted him. "I wish things were different, Lilly. You have no idea how badly I wish that."
I offered him a sad, watery smile. "I think I have some idea, because I wished that, too."
He moved to the front door, his hand resting on the knob as he looked back over his shoulder one last time. "I know you don't want to hear it, and you probably won't believe me, but I do care about you … more than I've cared about anyone in a very long time."
I shrugged as a fresh wave of tears rolled down my cheeks. "I wish that was enough."
He nodded his head, turned the doorknob, and pulled it open. "You know I want the absolute best for you, right?"
"I do. And I want the same exact thing for you. Take care of yourself, Quinn."
His shoulders slumped as he stepped across the threshold. His back remained to me as he whispered, "You do the same, baby." And with that, he was gone. The snick of the door closing behind him rang out like a gunshot.
It was done.
I wanted to curl into a ball and let life pass me by, but I couldn't. It would hurt, but I'd put one foot in front of the other and, eventually, I'd move on with my life, just like I told him I would.
I only hoped he'd learn to do the same.
Quinn
IT HAD BEEN two weeks since Lilly cut me out of her life, and I grew more and more miserable every day. She wouldn't even look at me when I stopped by the school to pick up or drop off Sophia.
I'd gotten to the point where I was thankful to be on shift at the firehouse. At least I couldn't fixate on Lilly when I was in the middle of fighting a fire. Things were slow at the station, today. Normally, I would have been happy for the down time, using it to catch up on sleep. But it seemed like every time I closed my eyes, the dream of the car crash came back, only this time, when I looked over into the passenger seat, it wasn't my Addy that I saw there.
It was Lilly. And she was wearing the same heart-broken expression on her face that she had the day I went to the studio and saw her completely shatter.
I felt like I was losing my mind, being pulled in two directions. There was the part of me that felt unworthy of her love. I hadn't been able to protect my wife three years ago. Hell, if not for me, she'd still be alive. I didn't deserve another chance at love after failing so completely with Addison. Then there was the part of me that rebelled at the thought of letting Lilly go, which led to guilt at the thought of betraying my wife.
Not that it mattered, because she was finished. No matter how badly I wanted to hold on to the small piece of goodness Lilly offered, the soft ray of light in my dark world, I'd hurt her too much. She was done. And for the second time in my life, I'd lost the best thing that had ever happened to me.
I was a mess, and beating the hell out of the punching bag in the weight room of the fire department wasn't helping like it usually would.
"You good there, Mallick?"
I looked over to find Tony watching me from his place on the weight bench. He was probably the closest thing I had to a friend within the department. Tony was about ten years older than me and had been with PFD for about fifteen years. I liked him, he was a decent guy, which was why I hadn't minded picking up a shift for him a while back. I knew he was good to return the favor.
"Yeah," I breathed heavily. "I'm good."