I slid my fingers from his grip and sat tall in my chair. In the past, I might have caved to the beautiful concern written all over his handsome face, but I couldn't do that anymore. For my own peace of mind, I needed a clean break. "If that's what you really think, then I'll call Eliza. But you can't stay here. I need you to go."
I could see the determination in his eyes. I knew that look as well as I knew all of his others. He was setting in for a battle. "Baby, you lost it in front of me, Kyle, and Samantha. They were worried about you. Hell, I was worried about you. I'm not leaving here until I'm convinced you're okay."
Yep, he was geared up to fight me. Only, this time it wasn't going to work. The damage he'd done, coupled with the loss of my dad made it impossible for me to get past the animosity brewing in the pit of my stomach. "I know, Quinn, believe me. I lived through it." I replied sarcastically. "I appreciate your concern. But I don't want you here. Don't you get that?"
"Baby-"
With that one word, I snapped. "Stop!" I shouted. I stood so fast the chair behind me crashed to the floor. Quinn followed suit and reached for me, but I managed to sidestep his hold. "Don't call me that. And don't touch me."
He held his arms out in surrender, but that didn't stop him from slowly moving toward me. With each step he took, I took one backward. "Okay," he said quietly. "All right, I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you right now, Lilly. But you're not all okay. Can't you see that? You need someone to take care of you."
"I know I'm not okay!" I bit out. "I know that, all right? I know it'll take a lot of work, and I'll probably have more days like today, but the difference between me and you is, I know I'll eventually move past it, because, unlike you, I can't imagine walking through the rest of my life with this pain in my chest." I balled my fist up and hit the spot right above my heart for emphasis, and at my words Quinn's entire body locked up and quit advancing. I thought I had cried myself dry, but the sudden dampness on my cheeks proved me wrong. I reached up to brush the tears away only to have more fall in their place.
"You can't take care of me, Quinn," I continued, my voice as ravaged as my heart. "How can you expect to help me through my loss when you're still holding on to your own? You're so consumed with the past that you can't see what's been right in front of you." I threw my hands out and gave a humorless, slightly hysterical laugh. "Please, explain to me how you think you can fix me when you can't even fix yourself. Jesus, Quinn. Do you realize you've never even talked about her? She's the mother of your daughter and you've never told me about her! You kept everything about you locked up so tight I never stood a chance, did I?" Reality suddenly slammed into me with the strength of a sledgehammer. I felt like such a fool. "All this time," I whispered. "All this time I've been falling in love with you, and you knew … you knew you'd never be able to love me back, didn't you? And you just let me fall deeper anyway."
I expected the shutters I'd grown so familiar with to fall over his expression. Instead, a look of pure anguish spread across his features. "I'm sorry," he whispered. The words sounded like they were ripped from his throat. "I'm so fucking, sorry, Lilly. I never meant to hurt you."
I sniffled and pointlessly brushed more tears away. "But you did. Over and over again. I can't do it anymore, Quinn."
It was like my words were too heavy for him to carry. His knees buckled and he fell to the couch, his head in his hands as he repeated, "I'm so fucking sorry." I stood silent for several seconds as he ran his fingers through his hair. Even disheveled, even hurting, he was still the most beautiful man I'd ever seen. "I don't … I don't know how to let her go."
If there had been any pieces of my heart left intact, they would have broken right then and there. I couldn't allow him to continue to hurt me, but I also couldn't stand to see him suffering. Dropping to my knees in front of him, I took both of his hands and held tightly. "That's not what I wanted. I'd never ask you to let her go, Quinn. She's a part of you and always will be. She gave you Sophia. There's beauty in that. I'd never expect you to let that go. I didn't want to replace Addison. I wasn't trying to take her place. I just wanted a place of my own in your and Sophia's lives."
His green eyes began to glisten and grow red, and I knew he felt the finality of what was between us just as strongly as I did. What we had was officially coming to an end, we both knew it, and that killed, but it was time for us to stop torturing each other.