To say that my late wife's parents weren't my biggest fans was putting it mildly. We'd been so close when Addy was alive. They were as much a family to me as my own folks were. But then I took their daughter from them. I couldn't fault them for hating me. Luckily they were good people and, over the years, they'd learned to deal with me for their granddaughter's sake. Janice was pleasant enough, but Garrett was tolerant at best.
"Garrett. What can I do for you?"
He breathed through the line, and I got the sense that I was the last person he wanted to be talking to. "Look, I know it's difficult with your work schedule, but Jan and I would really love to see Sophia for Thanksgiving." Then he lowered the boom the rest of the way by adding, "In Seattle."
I sighed heavily through the line as I turned into the parking lot of The Moose. "Listen, Garrett. I know you want to see your granddaughter, but-"
I found a spot, pulled in, and put my truck in park just as he barked, "It's not an unreasonable request. We get to see her once, maybe twice a year since you took her away."
"I didn't take her away," I snarled, feeling my temper start to boil. "The move was the best thing for the both of us." But even as I said it, I began to question if that was really the truth. I blamed the department in Seattle for giving me the runaround when it came to going back to work. I used the excuse of needing my parents' help with Soph. But the truth was, I ran. Shit got too hard, and I tucked tail and fucking ran.
And I knew he knew it, too, when he muttered, "If that's what you need to tell yourself to sleep better at night."
My grip on the steering wheel tightened until the leather creaked and the skin of my palm began to burn. But I refused to engage. I knew he wanted to argue, to possibly hurl insults my way, but Garrett sucked in several breaths before speaking again.
"If you can't get time off work, then Jan and I are more than happy to fly there to pick her up. But we want to spend the holiday with Sophia in our home. The home we raised her mother in."
I closed my eyes and reached up to rub one of them with the ball of my free hand. I didn't want to give up a holiday with my daughter, but he wasn't all wrong, it wasn't an unreasonable request. However, the way he went about making that request was bullshit. Still, I couldn't bring myself to refuse. Whether or not he and I ever got along again, he was a terrific grandfather, and Sophia loved him and Janice like crazy. It wouldn't be fair to her to say no.
"I'll check my schedule with the department, all right?" I finally relented, guilt tearing at my insides. "I'll call you back to let you know whether or not you need to come get her."
By his silence, I knew I'd surprised him with the ease in which I'd agreed. He'd been expecting a fight on his hands. I just didn't have the strength - or the right - to give him one.
"Thank you," he finally said, gruffly.
"I'll be in touch." Before I even finished the sentence, the line went dead. I stared out the windshield of my truck at the entrance to The Moose, wishing I could just throw the gearshift in reverse and get the hell out of there. The thought of having to make pleasant conversation in a crowded bar while I was pissed off sat like a lead ball in my stomach. But just as I considered shooting her a text, cancelling our dinner, a flash of blonde hair caught my attention.
Through the large windows that made up the front of the bar, I saw Lilly. The hostess had placed her at a booth right up front, so I had the perfect view of her as she looked up and offered the woman a full-fledged smile. One that brought forth that dimple that drove me crazy. Just the sight of her calmed the turmoil inside of me.
It was then that I realized I was sinking deeper and deeper every day when it came to Lilly Mathewson. That scared the absolute shit out of me, but I was helpless to stop it. Every day my feelings for her grew stronger. Every goddamned day. If I was smart, I'd end things right then and there, hurt her now in order to prevent even worse pain down the line, because I saw the way she looked at me. What she felt was written in those amber eyes of hers, clear as day. She was falling just as fast - maybe faster.
I knew it, but I was too selfish to stop it. I needed her to quiet the voices, to lessen the burden of guilt. I needed her light.
I'd have given anything to be strong enough, to be the man she truly deserved for the long haul. I wanted nothing more than to lower my walls and allow her to heal my broken soul.
But I didn't deserve that.
I didn't deserve her.