That sinking feeling grew more intense as I demanded, "Look at me." I finally got her eyes, but what I saw in them didn't do a damn thing to ease the knot in my gut. She looked skittish … almost scared.
"What's going on? And don't lie to me this time."
She set the cup down, once again, but this time turned to give me her full attention. Her voice was low as she said, "I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop."
My brow furrowed in confusion. "Huh?"
"We had sex last night," she added on a whisper.
"I know. I was there. Thank fucking God."
It was her turn to look confused. "Y-you … you don't regret it?"
That was when it hit me. And the feeling wasn't a good one. Thanks to my shitty actions over the past several weeks, I'd trained Lilly to expect the absolute worst when it came to me. I couldn't fault her for being leery. I'd basically taught her to expect the worst. And just knowing that cut so deep I wasn't sure the wound would ever heal right.
"No," I stated firmly before growling, "Fuck no. I don't regret it."
Her eyes started to shine as they darted down to my hands, more specifically, to the finger my wedding ring rested on. Shit, I'd made such a mess of everything. "How can you say that?" Her voice grew thick as she continued. "How can you even expect me to believe it? Every time we get close, you shove me away. Well, last night was the closest two people could get, wasn't it?"
I leaned forward and cupped her cheeks in my hands. To my relief, she nuzzled into my hold instead of pulling away. "I'm so goddamned sorry for everything I've put you through. I'm a mess, Lil. My head's all twisted up, and I can't promise I won't fuck up again, but I swear, I don't regret last night."
"Maybe not now-"
"Not ever," I interrupted. "I know I've given you no reason to believe me, but I'm telling the truth."
She studied my expression, searching for anything that would prove my words were less than genuine. Again, I couldn't blame her, but fuck me, did that ever sting. "What are we doing here, Quinn?"
It was a question I dreaded, mainly because I didn't have an answer. I wasn't lying when I said I had no regrets about what happened last night, but that didn't mean I wasn't confused as hell about where it was leading. "I don't know," I answered as honestly as possible. And from the way her face dropped and her expression became guarded, I knew it wasn't a good one.
I tightened my hold on her and scrambled to give her an explanation that wouldn't have her running in the other direction. "Look, I don't have all the answers you're looking for, but I want to try this. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, and trying to keep my distance is only making us both miserable. Can we just … can we take this one day at a time?"
It wasn't a very reasonable request on my part, but it was the best I could do. I knew I wanted her, but the guilt at the thought of betraying my wife hadn't lessened. I felt like I was being ripped in half, pulled in two different directions, and neither of them felt totally right. I didn't know what else to do.
"One day at a time," she repeated softly.
"Yeah."
"Like … dating?"
The idea of labeling what we were doing was uncomfortable, but at least dating was a label I could live with. Anything more concrete would have sent me over the edge, and I couldn't stand the idea of hurting her again. Dating was the best I could do. At least for now. I just prayed to God she could accept that.
"Yeah, I guess you could call it that." I ran the pad of my thumb along her cheekbone. "I know I've given you no reason to trust me, and I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring, but I want to try this … with you."
"One day at a time."
"Yes," I said softly, my eyes pleading with her. "It's all I've got right now, Lilly. Please, tell me you understand."
"I do," she whispered on a nod. "I understand that this has to be hard for you."
I couldn't keep the hopefulness in my voice in check as I asked, "So you'll try?"
And when she gave me another nod, I breathed a sigh of relief as the knot in my stomach unfurled. "Thank you," I breathed, leaning in to close the distance between us and repeated, "Thank you," against her lips.
She pulled back just enough to draw my attention to her eyes. "Just … promise you won't hurt me again, okay?"
I didn't answer. Instead, I devoured her lips - tasting, licking, and nipping until her entire body went pliant and fell against me, her question long forgotten. I couldn't promise her that, because somewhere deep inside I knew that promise would be the hardest one to keep.