"That's not what I'm doing," I insisted, even though each day felt like a test to see how miserable I could make myself feel. I kept myself mired in the past for that very reason. Even my memories were part of my penance for what I'd done.
"For a brief moment that day, I got a glimpse of my son while he wasn't crippled with grief. You looked at that girl and for just a second, you forgot to blame yourself for everything. Hold on to that, son. I'm begging you, for your sake and Sophia's, hold on to that. If that girl can give you an ounce of peace, you hold on to that. No matter what you believe, you deserve some peace."
He was so adamant with everything he said that I knew in my heart that he truly believed them.
The problem was … I wasn't sure that I did.
Lilly
I'D BEEN SITTING at my desk, staring at my calendar for so long my eyes were starting to cross. After my fight with Quinn I'd left his house with an uncomfortable knot in my stomach that refused to go away. I thought that maybe a trip to Denver might have been a good idea, a change of scenery for a weekend to clear my head. But the brightly-colored boxes on my computer screen were mocking me, telling me a mini-vacation was out of the question.
A knock at my office door startled me and made me jump. My head jerked up to see Kyle standing in the doorway, smirking at me. "Jeez. You scared the shit out of me."
"Well, if you weren't so focused on trying to blow your computer up with your mind, maybe you'd have noticed me sooner."
I scowled. "Funny. I wasn't trying to blow it up. I was just … " I banged the computer mouse a few times to let off some steam. "Trying to get my calendar to do what I want, but the asshole refuses to cooperate."
Kyle plopped down in the chair across from me and propped his feet on my desk. "What are you trying to get it to do?"
I let out a frustrated huff and collapsed back into my chair, spinning it around in circles as I spoke. "I was hoping to get away for a few days, maybe go to Denver, but I've got too much on my plate right now. It's not possible." Kyle gave me a look that I couldn't quite decipher. "What? What's that look about?"
"It's about the fact that you have me and Samantha to handle your classes for you for two or three days so you can get out of here and take a load off for a while."
It was an argument I'd heard several times over the few years he and Samantha had worked for me. Any time Kyle thought I was over-extending myself, he'd say he and Sam could carry more of the weight. It was his way of looking out for me. Being his boss made it a little hard to consider Kyle a true friend since the fact I paid him sometimes blurred the lines, but I had to give him credit, he never stopped trying. His insistence made me wonder if it was just my own insecurities that were the real issue.
"I don't know," I hesitated. "You each have your classes, plus we're gearing up for the Winter Showcase. I just don't think it's the right time."
He rolled his eyes dramatically. "It's never the right time, as far as you're concerned. What's the worst that could happen, huh? We burn the place down?"
That certainly didn't make me feel any better. "Yes. That. Exactly that."
"Please," he scoffed. "Just admit it. You're a total control freak. That's why you have so much trouble letting go."
"Am not!" I objected, even though it was the truth. I was a complete control freak.
He gave me a serious look and sat forward in the chair. "Come on, Lil. It's just a few days. Trust me, Sam and I can handle that. Besides, whether you want to talk about what you've been dealing with the past several weeks or not, we aren't blind. We know it's heavy. You need a break, admit it."
I suddenly felt bad for keeping such a tight hold on everything. I hired both Kyle and Samantha because they were talented and capable. And he was right. I definitely needed a break. "Is it that obvious?"
"That you've got some serious heavy in your life right now? Uh, yeah, babe. It's pretty damn obvious. Look, I'm not telling you to sit here and pour your heart out if that's not what you want to do, but if taking a little vacation will help you deal with whatever it is that's going on in your world, then let us help."
For the first time since this morning, I was actually able to take a deep breath. Kyle couldn't possibly know it, but his concern for my wellbeing eased some of the weight that had been sitting on my chest for weeks.
I smiled my first real smile since Quinn's blowup earlier that morning. "Thank you."