A Broken Forever(83)

"Does anyone in your life know about her?" The question was meant to say in my thoughts, but it escaped before I had the chance to stop it.

Stefan just shook his head, looking over his shoulder at me. "Not a single person that didn't know her when she was still … here." He choked out. "Have you told anyone?"

My fingers curling into the shoulder of his jacket. I focused my gaze directly on his. "No one."

"Not even your fiancé?"

I shook my head. "I always say I'll tell him, but I haven't. She was our little girl and I'm terribly selfish. I don't want to share her memory with anyone else because I'm-" the words cracked as the barrier of tears broke free. Stefan stayed where he was, but placed his hand securely over mine. It was as if that single touch filled me with the strength to continue. "Because I'm afraid that if I share her, I'll forget."

"That will never happen, Greyson Rose. You loved her from the bottom of your heart and that hasn't changed."

Through blurred eyes I found the truth and compassion of all his words in the familiar curves of his face.

"Why did it take you so long to come back?" He broke eye contact, and looked back toward the ground. Instantly I knew there was more behind the answer than I had initially anticipated. It was my turn to provide him with the support he gave me. Releasing the hold he had on my fingers, I gently rubbed the tension from his shoulder blades. His stiff posture began to weaken and I could feel him warming to all the comfort I was trying to grant.

"After we signed the divorce papers I lost myself. I didn't know the month, the day, or when the next morning began. All I did was drink to survive. I hated it, but the second my buzz left all I saw were flashes of the things I couldn't bear to see. Tears streaming down your face. Those headlights blinding me. And the sight of our little girl, dead in the backseat." His head fell forward. A silent sob shook his body but I could feel the determination he had to get all of his story out. 

"I couldn't bear to relive it over again, and eventually I started forgetting. I was no longer myself but all those tragic thoughts were gone. I did things I will never be proud of. At the time, that was all I thought I could to do for survival. Eventually I took control of my life, stopped drinking and started handling the way I felt. I wanted to see her, but I couldn't. She was up there, watching over me all because I took her life. Then there I was, fucking up my own. How was I supposed to face her? The daddy she knew died that night. Instead of looking at the life I still had as a blessing, I treated it like a damn burden. I took the life away from my perfect little girl. How would she ever forgive me for that?"

Every fragment of my soul was shattering. Stefan had never let go of the guilt of being behind the wheel and that had been the driving force that had taken my husband away.

"You feel guilty?" I needed to hear the confirmation from him. There wasn't a shred of doubt that whatever answer he gave would be from the darkest hollows in his heart. I yearned for his trust. I knew there would be no other way for us to breathe in the fresh air. No other way to truly cleanse the wounds of our past.

"How could I not? I fell asleep behind the wheel. I got us into that accident. I killed my daughter, and I damn near lost my wife too. But I was there when the screeching stopped, screaming for you and begging her to open her eyes. I promised to always protect you both, and it was because of me that all of that happened. It was my fault that we lost it all."

I forced myself to hold back the intense need to curl into a ball and cry until there wasn't a single tear left in my body. This was not the time for my weakness to surface. I had to be strong, for Stefan.

"Stefan, look at me." He turned his head over his shoulder. I couldn't help but notice that his self-control was at its limit. Eyes red, lip quivering, it was heartbreaking to see but I refused to look away. He had to hear me and know what I had to say was from my heart.

"I have never blamed you for that accident. You were behind the wheel, but I could have made us stay at that house. I wanted to wake up Christmas morning in our own home too, and that's why I stopped protesting. We survived that wreck and as much as I hate to think it, Allie dying happened for a reason. Maybe there were bigger things she was needed for as a guardian angel."

I paused and watched a lone tear glide down his face.

Looking him square in the eye I said the one thing I needed him to hear. "It was not your fault."

Before I realized what was happening, Stefan was on his feet and clutching me in his arms. My body shook as his sobs broke free and finally, so did mine. Enclosing my arms around his neck and burying my face in his chest, I let out everything. The wind thrashed around us. A few raindrops broke free from the threatening clouds above. It didn't matter though, nothing was going to tear this moment away from us. It had been seven years since the accident and seven years since we connected on the level we once knew.