It was awful because it wasn't; he deserved a piece of the knowledge that was swimming around in my head, but I just couldn't let it out. As Richard kissed me goodbye, I could sense all my attempts to not worry him had backfired. After assuring me he would call and message as often as he could, I had a good, chest-heaving meltdown. My soothing bath was spent with my face buried in my hands.
I hated memories and absolutely everything involved with the past. Well, okay, maybe that was just a little strong. I didn't hate it, but I hated the way memories made me miss it.
The realization crushed me. My heart twisted and I felt ready to hurl. Vigorous sobs shook my entire body as I felt the void that I thought was successfully closed up, open once again. It was as if someone sliced open my chest and left everything spilling out. I felt aware and frightened, and not to mention … empty. It was a feeling I had completely forgotten about, now that emptiness was seeping into every inch of my body. It flowed through my bloodstream, filled my lungs and covered my heart; I didn't know if I could make this feeling stop.
I rinsed the soap bubbles off, blew out the candles, slipped into my room and crashed on my bed. Richard and I always had strict sides of the bed, but today I had to cross the line; burying my face in his pillow and clutching mine to my chest, with attempts to soothe the ache. It took all my remaining strength not to call Richard and have him come home. Every time I got close to caving I reminded myself that it wasn't his touch, smell and warmth that I longed to have. It was that of a man I promised to forget, even though my heart didn't seem to want to let him go.
I wasn't sure how much time had passed between the deep belly cries and the moment when I finally fell asleep.
My eyes fluttered open and everything hurt. My mind was disoriented, my mouth was dry and my body felt heavy. I let my eyes case the room noticing the single bouquet of flowers, the beeping machine next to me and the tubes attached to my arms. I didn't know how I got here or why for that matter, but a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach told me I didn't want to know. My attention flickered to the door where the face of my brother came into view. A smile touched his lips, but it didn't push away the worry lines between his eyes.
I opened my mouth to speak, but my throat was too dry, keeping the questions locked within me. Seconds passed before a nurse entered my room and came to my side.
"Hello Grey, my name is Jennifer, and I will be your nurse today. You're at Massachusetts General Hospital. You were in a car accident and knocked unconscious, but we were able to get you here and taken care of."
The accident flashed into my head. Stefan sleeping, me screaming, the car scraping alongside a truck before somehow turning around. The headlights from another car pierced the side of my face as I saw it speeding towards us.
I blinked my eyes a few times, making the image in my head vanish. The nurse's empathetic look was twisting my stomach in uncomfortably knots.
"Here, will you help her drink some water while I call the doctor?" Jennifer asked my brother, motioning to the water by my side table.
"Of course," Jayden replied, springing into gear.
"Wait," I choked out. My voice was soft, but Jennifer stopped and looked my way.
"Yes, dear?"
My eyes clenched shut as I tried clearing my throat. "Where are Stefan and Allie?" I asked, keeping my eyes locked on Jennifer's face. The ever so slight grimace of her mouth was enough. Something wasn't right. That explained my brother's expression, the reason Stefan wasn't by my side, and the horrible feeling in the pit of my heart.
Oh God, please tell me you didn't take them home yet. I need them here.
"Let me get the doctor," she said before turning on her heel and walking swiftly from the room.
I looked to Jayden in time to see him wipe away a fresh tear. His hands shook as he poured a glass of water and as he unwrapped a straw. He avoided my eyes while he worked, finally making eye contact when he brought the straw to my lips.
"What happened?" I asked before letting the cold and refreshing water replenish my mouth. It tasted wonderful, but I could already feel it tightening again as I prepared myself for whatever there was to hear.
Once the glass was empty, Jayden set it down and leaned over me, pressing his lips gently to my forehead. "I'm so happy you're okay, Grey."
I looked to the splint on my right arm and knew I wasn't going to be okay if my family wasn't. "Jay?" I asked again.
Just as he opened his mouth a crowd of people entered my room. An unrecognizable face that was clearly the doctor, my parents, and on their tail was Stefan. I felt my heart soar as I saw a face I was beginning to fear I would never see again.