The room was filled with a combination of my work files and Richard's. We shared a desk, bookshelf and an old laptop that we stuck in here after we upgraded. On either side of the desk were filing cabinets for each of our documents. I lowered myself into the desk chair and tried to take deep steadying breaths to calm my shaking hands. On the right was my cabinet and gently I opened the top drawer all the way. At the very back, beyond the last manila envelope was a key taped to the bottom.
I pulled the key from the tape and held it in my hands, turning it over and over again. Richard never knew it was back there, he just knew the bottom drawer of my cabinet had been locked since before I moved in. I gulped back my fears and slid the key into the lock. With another deep breath I twisted it and pulled the drawer open.
The first thing I saw were the files for the deed to my salon, my car, and past tax documents. All of these things were valuable and deserved to be protected and if Richard ever opened the lock when I wasn't home, he would see those and think nothing more. But my secret was kept at the very back, in a black box that a bunch of random folders sat atop. I removed the folders, then slowly pulled the box out.
Carefully, I set it on the carpeted floor and sat down next to it. I exhaled once and pulled the lid off as quickly as one yanks a Band-Aid. The very first thing I saw was another manila folder, inside were my marriage and divorce documents. I only glanced at them before setting them aside. They were difficult to see, but that wasn't the reason for coming in here tonight. Under the folder were two shoeboxes, I knew which one I was looking for but I couldn't resist peeking into the other.
Under the lid sat close to hundred photos and the one I saw first was of a happy, smiling and very much in love young couple. I almost didn't recognize myself or Stefan-it had been such a different time in my life. Young and naïve-I never imagined things would change the way they had. My finger brushed against the edge of the photograph. If I could go back and warn the adult version of myself all that was coming, I would. It was hard to imagine what I would even say other than, everything would be okay.
I glanced past that picture down to the shoebox and saw half of the next one. Undeniably it was a picture of me in the hospital after having Allie-I couldn't look at it yet. I pushed the box aside and carefully lifted the top off the second. Staring back at me with an unchanged sadness in its stuffed little self, was Ray Ray. One day I placed him in this box to transport him from my temporary home in my parent's bedroom to my new place. As I was unpacking I saw the shoebox but I couldn't open it again.
The memories were still too painful to face and I wanted to stop hurting-even if that meant keeping precious items concealed. I had transferred Ray Ray's box from one place to the next, but this was the first time that I have seen him. I smiled as a tear slid from my eye. I pulled him into me and inhaled a large breath. Maybe I was only imagining things but I could have sworn it smelt the way she had.
The tears fell as I ran my fingers through its soft pink fur. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. It wasn't clear to me who I was saying this to, but in that moment it was exactly what my heart needed to say.
Ray Ray laid in my extended arms, tears soaked his fur but neither of us moved. My chest had locked up, making it almost impossible to exhale. The longer I sat this way, the easier it became to breathe. I let the tears wash away the guilt and the regret I had once refused to admit was there.
"I let him go, Ray. It wasn't easy. It was even more difficult to do than the day I signed the divorce papers, because this time he fought for me. But I had to. I'm not living and I'm not healing. I haven't even been able to look at you. It isn't right the way I've locked away everything I used to be. But no more."
I cuddled him into me and placed a kiss against his ear. As gently as I could, I lowered him back into the shoebox.
"I promise you're not going to stay in there forever, Ray. I just need to wait for the right moment and then you will be free. Hopefully we both will."
I pressed the lid over his home and placed it back into the black box. My intention was to place the photo filled box in their next but I was finding it impossible to not look at a single photo. Once again my fingers trembled as I lifted the wedding picture away to reveal the entirety of my first picture with my Allie.
Instantly I felt my face lift to a smile. There she was, my little 7 pound, 8 ounce sweet baby girl. This picture once had a special place in a frame on my bedside table. Our eyes locked on one another, I had worn a proud smile as I gazed at my beautiful little creation. Before allowing myself to become too choked up over one image, I moved along to the next.