"Ugh," she grunted. "I've been well, I just started working again and I hate being there. Lily's doing well in daycare and everything, but I miss her so much."
"I'll bet that's really hard to handle."
"Oh, it is, how did you manage it?" The second the words left her mouth I could see she caught her mistake. I understood that as a mother, it is always nice talking to other moms about what they did. Cara was very well aware of my preference to never discuss Allie, Stefan, or anything during those years of my life.
Her hand reached out to touch my shoulder. "Oh, Grey, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that, it just slipped out." I waved her mistake off.
"It's okay, don't worry about it. I actually never had to worry about that. At the time Stefan was making decent money at his job and my parents were helping me out. It allowed me to just stay home with her."
"That's very fortunate." Cara smiled, but I didn't miss the way her eyes flickered to Jayden on the couch.
It wasn't normal for me to speak candidly about any of this. If Cara wasn't concerned before, I could see in her forced smile that she was now.
"Still interested in something to eat?" Jayden asked, I'm sure as a way to divert the conversation.
"Oh yes! We have tons of food if you're hungry!" Cara added with a smile.
"I am," I replied.
"Let me reheat you a plate. Do you like blackened chicken and mashed potatoes?"
"One of my favorites."
"Great!" Cara excused herself, scurrying off to the kitchen.
Jayden was next to stand, "You alright in here with Lily for a minute? I'm going to go check on Cara."
"Of course I am."
As soon as Jayden left me and Lily alone, I twisted her in my arms so I could see into her face better. As she smiled and cooed I stared back, a few tears moistened my eyes. It didn't matter how many years had passed, I still remembered those simple but wonderful moments of just holding Allie. It was so long ago but it felt as if it was just yesterday.
Maybe coming here today wasn't the greatest idea. Seeing Cara and Jayden was always fun but after the day I had-I really needed time to process everything. Adding a visit with Lily was only making my wounds open sooner than I was ready. I guess one thing at a time was the best way to do this-saying goodbye to Stefan tore my heart open, but being reminded of my Allie was more than I could take.
"Jayden!" I called out.
I was relieved when he came in without Cara. It was nothing personal, but I always felt I needed to keep a front up with other people. With Jayden I could speak openly-for the most part-and not have him walk on egg shells around me.
"What's up, Grey?"
"I think I'm going to go home. I'm sorry that I had you guys dirtying more dishes for me. I just … maybe I need to be alone right now."
Jayden nodded, empathy in his eyes. "I understand; do you want to take any of the chicken home?"
I shook my head, "No, I'm not really hungry anymore. Can you please apologize to Cara for me?"
He reached down and picked Lily up from my arms. "Of course I will." I stood and pressed a kiss to his cheek.
"Thanks." Jayden walked off to the kitchen before I headed out. I was sure it was to let me get away without trying to hold a conversation if Cara came out.
I appreciated the simple gesture more than I could point into words, but right now I needed to get home.
The drive was made without any tears or dramatic phone calls to anyone because I was overcome with emotion. It was quiet, the radio was turned off and I caught myself zoning off into my own head more than once. In the beginning of the evening I dreaded coming home to an empty house. Now, I was grateful for it. I wanted to spend the rest of my evening draining my head and heart of the leftover feelings from my actions. With Richard here I knew I wouldn't have been able to and no longer did I want to continue hiding things from him.
I flipped on the light switch, slipped out of my shoes and pulled my phone from my purse. In my inbox I composed a new message to Richard to do as I promised.
RM: Hey Honey, I'm home. Jayden and Cara said hi! I'm heading to bed-it was a late night at the salon so I'm exhausted. Love you! XO
I placed my phone on the charger in my room, and switched the volume to silent. My body slowly sank onto the bed, my hands rubbed my knees as I contemplated my next move. What I wanted to do surprised me, as I hadn't looked at these items in many years. A knot formed in my stomach as I weighed out my options but I decided it was time. My legs wobbled slightly as I stood from my mattress and cautiously left the room. Slowly making my way into our office.