I flew from the chair and ran to the opening of Allie's room with Ray Ray still clutched in my arms. Stefan was fumbling with the lock, but looked up just as I appeared in the hall. His eyes widened as he realized exactly where I was and what was in my arms.
Tension hung between us. I hoped he would say nothing, but then again, I wished he would. I wanted him to break down like I had. I wanted him to cry and to tell me he was sorry and that he wanted to fix things too. Judging from the heat rolling off every tensed muscle that was far from the reaction he was having.
"What the fuck are you doing?" His words were slightly slurred, but slow and deliberate.
I opened my mouth to respond but shut it again. This wasn't just a simple question that wanted the obvious answer.
"I wanted to see it," I finally replied honestly. A dry chortle ripped from his throat as his eyes narrowed.
"See what exactly?"
I had to look away from his penetrating stare and instead I focused on the pink bunny in my arms. I let the soft fur calm my heart rate as I longed for this moment to be over.
I shrugged, still avoiding his eyes. "Everything."
"What the fuck are you going to see in her bedroom, Greyson??" My body tensed at the unfamiliar harshness in his voice.
"I don't know, Stefan, but I just wanted to … look."
"Shut her fucking door. You have no goddamn reason to be in there!" His words made my face snap up to glare back.
"How dare you speak to me like that, Stefan! I have every right to go in here if I want. I am her mother!"
I could practically hear the hiss in his breath. "Not anymore. That's her room-shut the goddamn door." In the way he spoke I heard him try and regain control, but I couldn't just let him get away with this. Stefan had never talked to me like this before and I hated every bit of it. In a way though, I needed it. I had to make him fight and make him see what he was doing. Maybe this was what I had to do to bring him back.
"No! I'm not going to shut her door, Stefan. Allie was real, and hiding from it isn't going to change that." Even from opposite ends of the hall I could see the physical toll it took on him to hear her name. Skirting around it for months was wrong, I could see that now. The trick was that now I had to make him see it.
"Don't fucking talk about her! Shut the goddamn door, Greyson!"
"NO!" I yelled back. "Come here and look for yourself! You have to remember her, Stefan! Remember me, and us-the way things were! Please!" I felt the hysterics coming as I pleaded with him.
"I don't want to remember! Why don't you fucking get that?! I want to forget all of this fucking bullshit! You, her, us-it's all fucking gone!"
You. Her. Us.
Everything I was trying to hold onto was everything he was trying to let go.
I had never experienced what a gunshot felt like but right now-one could hit me and I don't think I could have told the difference between a bullet and Stefan's words.
"You're just saying that," I cried out, swiping away at the freshly fallen tears.
"No, I'm not! I want all of this shit to be fucking over! The last thing I want to do is take a goddamn walk down memory fucking lane right now! So shut her GODDAMN DOOR!"
"No! If you were ready to let go of us, then why do you come home every night?? And if she didn't matter then why does this door being open bother you so much!?" I was challenging him and I knew this wasn't wise. Not only was he at the edge, but he had been drinking, and I didn't know how he was going to react.
"I only come home because I have nowhere else to go! This was a fucking mistake, Grey! I don't want any of this fucking shit! And I don't want her door open because I don't fucking appreciate the fact that you are keeping it as some kind of shrine!"
"You don't want any of this?? I don't believe that, Stefan! You're lost and you're scared, but we're going to get through this!"
"Why can't you fucking hear me?! I. Don't. Want. THIS!"
"PROVE IT!" I screamed as loud as I could. Stefan stomped toward me, my eyes never left his, unsure of what was coming.
When he came closer to the light of Allie's room I saw him fiddle with the wedding band I had placed on his left ring finger. He took it off and threw it at me. I ducked to avoid it, but didn't miss the sound of it hitting the opposite wall.
"How much more do I have to prove it to you, Grey? We don't sleep in the same fucking bed! I don't try to spend time with you! I can't even fucking look at you!" My heart exploded. How had I never guessed that the reason for his distance because he wanted it to be over? All along I thought it was just a temporary thing until he was okay.