A Broken Forever(43)

I uncurled my legs from the pretzel and let the blood flow back into them as they hung over the side of the bed. I bit my lip and listened even more intently to make sure I was completely alone-no shock-I was. My feet slid into pink slippers and carefully I crept across the floor to my bedroom door. The door creaked open and I stuck my head out to look both ways down the hallway. At one end was the door that Stefan would stumble through; the opposite end of the hallway was the room I have refused to enter since Christmas Eve.

Over the months people have been trying to coax me into facing my fears and going inside. Even Jayden eventually said it might help me, but I didn't think it would-at least not yet. I kept telling myself when the time was right I would know. Truthfully I was holding out hope that Stefan would do this with me. Slowly I let go of that, though. The only thing Stefan avoided more than me was that room. He didn't talk about it, didn't look at it. It was as if it was nothing more than a wall-not the room where his baby girl once dreamed.

Ever since I woke up in the hospital without the chance to ever hold her again, I felt empty. A gaping hole permanently resided in my heart. Not only had I lost my little girl, but I hardly had my best friend anymore. Our relationship was holding on by an unraveling string and I had only one thing left to try and mend it. I needed to face what was and pray that it would repair the rest.

My intentions to enter Allie's room were clear, but that didn't make my footsteps down the hall any quicker. With each step I felt my chest tightening and my stomach twisting. My breathing became erratic as I tried to give myself the strength to do what I knew I had to. I reached my hand out and gripped onto the doorknob that was cold as ice, my chest heaved with an overwhelming breath. I closed my eyes and exhaled the nerves before twisting the handle and pushing open the door. 

I wasn't sure what I was expecting. What I got was an overpowering need to leave but I couldn't-not yet. My finger found the switch on the wall in the darkness as if it had only been an hour since the last time I was here. Everything was exactly the same but still somehow different.

The wall decals Stefan and I spent a week putting on carefully and in the perfect places were peeling off the walls. The chair in the corner and the book lying across the armrest hadn't moved an inch. The footie pajamas Stefan picked out for her to wear special for Christmas hung over the railing of her crib, ready to go for when we returned from our party. Stuffed animals smiled happily into space from different places around the room, never realizing that their reason to smile had long since gone.

I could hardly blink my eyes for fear that it would all disappear before I had a chance to admire every last inch of it. My fingers skimmed along the top of the pink and white dresser, over her toys and books. I stopped when I got to her crib. I wished more than anything that I would look over the top of the railing and see my little love, dreaming peacefully. I had never wanted anything, the way I wished things could go back. I missed Allie. I missed Stefan and I missed the family we were together.

I could picture it, even now. Me, sitting in the rocking chair, staring dreamily at the love of my life while he laid our beautiful daughter down to rest. He would kiss each of her cheeks and then her nose and say, "You'll never know just how much I love you, sweet girl." Every night it touched my heart because I knew it was true. Together we'd say goodnight-together.

I couldn't recall the last time I could really say we did anything "together."

Now, here we were, and I knew I had to do this alone because that was what I had-myself. My fingers curled over the railing as I inched closer before finally looking in at the pink and white dotted sheets and her favorite pink bunny I had almost forgot existed. While the other animals smiled without thought, her favorite seemed sad. Ray Ray was his name-Allie never went anywhere without him, except for that night. We forgot to bring him, and now here he lay, lonely and forgotten. I felt for him, he didn't ask for this change. He loved his Allie and the way she cuddled him to her chest. Silent tears fell from my eyes as I reached out to pick him up without thinking.

He was just as cold on the outside as I felt on the inside. I hugged him tight, shutting my eyes, letting my tears fall onto his soft fur. I would never let him go again because right now we only had each other. No one understood what was going on and no one was here to protect us anymore.

With Ray Ray wrapped tightly in my arms, I backed up until I felt the rocking chair at the back of my legs. My body collapsed into it while the tears I've held in for almost a year poured out freely. I cried for what was and what my life had become. Yet somewhere in the sadness I heard the familiar click of the front door. My heart stopped beating-I froze. This was too early for Stefan to be home, so why tonight did he choose to leave the bar early??