I bit down on my lip and tried to hold back the nauseous feeling of tears that were taking over. "Fine Jay, I spent the day with Stefan. Are you happy now??"
Such a small confession took such a large toll on my heart. In his eyes I could see he knew this; he knew all too well the way this was going to tear me apart and that was exactly what he wanted.
Jayden's hands wrapped around my shoulders as he stared deep into the secrets of my soul. "No, I want you to remember the bad, Grey. I want you to stop seeing Stefan. I don't care if you ran into him today by pure coincidence. If I know him, he's not going to leave you alone, and you need to remember why you asked for a divorce. And why you are engaged to Richard. Knock this shit off. Focus on the relationship you have, not the one you had."
He released me and turned to walk back toward his car. "Oh, and you need to tell Richard about your past with Stefan and with Allie. I've done as you asked and stayed quiet about it while you healed, but he has every right to know your past before vowing forever. He'll understand, he loves you. This is what you need, Grey, don't screw it up." With that he left.
I stood out there staring after him; it was as if I could see the tension still hanging in the air. Never had my brother been so coldhearted when it came to dealing with me. He was well aware of how hard it was for me to say Stefan's name aloud and especially Allie's. Maybe I didn't speak it out loud because every time I did it was just another reminder how that time of my life had come and gone.
I was a prisoner to my past and I couldn't just let it go like Jayden wanted. Something was pulling me to Stefan's side, and it wasn't something I could just shy away from. I loved Richard so incredibly much, but there was always a piece of my heart that would never be Richard's. Someone already owned that part of me and nothing was going to change that.
After a few minutes of breathing in the fresh air and getting a hold of myself I left the silence of the street and returned to Richard. He was just finishing wiping down the counter when I entered the kitchen. He looked to me with a smile as he huffed a peaceful sigh.
"How was the talk with Jay?"
I shrugged and Richard chuckled. "You two are so cute." He closed the space between us and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Is everything okay, sweetie?"
"Yeah, why?" I asked, trying to hold back the intense emotions bubbling just below the surface.
"You called Jayden because you were upset, but I had no idea that anything was even wrong. I know I've been working a lot and I haven't been around, but is something else going on?"
I shook my head letting my finger trail along his hairline. "No baby, everything's alright. I've just been stressed with work and tired and I just really miss you."
"Oh honey, I miss you too, Grey. What do you say we go watch a movie and then call it an early night?"
I nodded against his neck. "I think that sounds wonderful." Richard's arm twisted me around as he walked us to the couch for a much needed night in.
Another night alone.
Nothing but the sound of my breathing filled the tiny apartment that used to be home. Now it was a prison cell. Stefan was never home, and when he was I hardly knew who he was. Liquor was his best friend now; I was just the woman he lived with. Ninety-percent of the time he ended up passed out on the couch anyway. Sometimes I wondered why I still stayed awake until I knew he was at least home safe. I was sure he didn't know I did this-sat alone in bed until I heard him stumble in. Just knowing he was here made me sleep better at night.
Sadly, I was getting used to never speaking a word to him, but that didn't mean I didn't need him still. It had been almost a year since our lives were flipped upside down and nothing was better. Counseling wasn't working; hanging out with old friends had become more of a punishment than anything else. Our therapist Amy's last recommendation was to look each other in the eye and talk-really talk to one another. I was hopeful, but it never happened.
Stefan hadn't really looked me in the eye since before the funeral, and I missed it so much. If he was talking to me he looked through me or past me-it was as if I wasn't here at all. My hopes that things would get better were slowly diminishing; the flame buried in my soul was beginning to burn out. I wasn't sure I could take much more of this without a change, but I didn't think I could ever let go.
I loved him too much and, despite what some thought, I knew he was going to come back to me someday.
My eyes flickered toward the clock on my side table, it was only ten after midnight. Stefan normally didn't pour himself into the apartment until after one in the morning-at the earliest. I should just put on a movie and try to rest, but for some reason my body was strangely antsy. I wasn't going to be able to sleep no matter how much I tried, and there was something I had desperately been wanting to do.