"You'd feel like you were letting go of Allie," Amy finished the treacherous thought I felt creeping up. "That you were admitting defeat as a wife and a mother."
The truth of her words stung my heart and suddenly the air in my lungs evaporated. Here it was, that drowning sensation I was desperate to avoid and now I could feel it. The water sucked me in, the weight pulled me down and I was gasping to hold on.
"Hey," Amy whispered, a soothing hand reached out and rested against my wrist. "It isn't true, Grey. You did not abandon or fail as those things; life happened and you dealt with it accordingly. I have to say, I think you have done so incredibly, too."
I looked up, tears clouding my eyes. "You do?"
She gave me a warm comforting smile. "Absolutely. It isn't easy to rebuild a life, Grey, but you've done it. I know it was never ideal to give up everything you pictured for yourself and start anew. You did it though, you got your feet underneath you; pursued your career, made new friends and fell in love again. I want you to heal, Grey. If anyone deserves it, it is you."
I nodded my head, not sure if I really believed everything she said, but I knew I wanted to. It was exhausting and painful to hold things back and I wasn't sure I could anymore.
"Stefan will always be a strong force within your life, even his name makes your pulse quicken. But that doesn't mean you can't take hold of those emotions and deal with them the right way. It is difficult to let go, but you have a life and a fiancé that will be there to help you with this."
My head hung down, my fiancé, she was right about that. Richard was the epitome of perfection, and he deserved to know the depths of my past. Not to feel his pity, but to show him that I trust him with something as challenging as this. However, just like every other time I got close to telling him, my stomach clenched as a bile taste crept up my throat. It wasn't an easy topic to think about and even worse when I thought of the way it would be if I told him everything.
It didn't matter how long it has been since Allie had been gone or how long Richard has been in my life. The truth was I still wasn't ready to let him in all the way yet. I only wished I understood why.
"Keep your appointment for this Friday, Grey. I'd like to check in with you again, if you don't mind coming back in that is."
I nodded, knowing all too well I'd need that visit. "I'll keep it."
Amy stood as I did and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, pulling me close. "It is going to be alright, Grey. Whatever might be going on inside of you, feel it. Don't run and hide from it as that will never help you. It's okay to hurt and to be scared just as long as you work through it. Most importantly, I want you to find someone else to talk to about some of this. Whether it is Richard, your brother or even your friends from the salon. Let some people know your past, at least some of it. Can you try to do that?"
"I can," I promised. It wasn't going to be easy, but I needed to try. More importantly, I needed to truly trust someone else again.
Sitting outside on the bench waiting for the latest cab to take me somewhere, I pulled out my phone. My finger hovered over Richard's number, to call him and blurt it all out right now, but I just couldn't get myself to press the button. Instead, I dialed my brother's number and couldn't help feeling a bit of relief when the voicemail picked up.
"Hey Jayden, it's me, I'm just calling to … Well, I don't know. Just to talk I guess. I miss you and I hope Cara is doing well, and you better give my niece a big hug and kiss. Tell Lily that her Auntie Grey loves her and will see her soon." Tears welled up in my eyes as I bit down onto my lip, holding onto my last shred of control. "But um, yeah, just give me a call whenever you can. If you want, I mean if you're busy you don't have to but uh … anyway. Love you, I'll talk to you later."
With a sigh, I hung up and shoved my phone back into my purse before I could make a bigger fool out of myself. The cab finally arrived and took me home, but after trying to start my car and failing, I was back in the cab.
"Nearest liquor store please."
I picked up a couple bottles of wine and gave the driver Kacie and Kari's address. One of them would be working right now, but the other would guaranteed be home, and even if they weren't I still had a key to their place. After I paid the man, I made my way to their third floor apartment. A few knocks on the door later and Kari appeared.
Kari's eyes widened with surprise and her lips fell into a frown. "I've been worried about you."
"Can I come in? I brought presents," I asked, holding up the bottles of wine in each of my hands.
"Of course you can." She pushed the door open and wrapped her arm around me. "You are always welcome here."