"Thank you so much, Sasha. I'll make sure you aren't billed by your insurance for this," Amy reassured her.
"Oh, no worries, Amy." Sasha approached where I stood in front of the door and gave my hands a tight squeeze. "I hope this helps you, darling."
"Thank you," I choked out. Sasha smiled and left, closing the door behind her.
For the first time in the years I had been coming here, I curled up on the sofa. A pillow propped my head up and my arms wrapped around my legs, holding them to my chest. Amy moved her chair to my side and lightly brushed away the strands of hair from my forehead.
"What happened, Grey? I can't even remember the last time you came in here and were distraught over something."
"It all started on Saturday."
I proceeded to tell Amy of my run in with Stefan, the way he looked at me and the way I felt everything come back. The trip to the hospital and then Stefan suddenly showing up to pay the bills and how furious I was. I tried my hardest to recap the visit to his office and everything he had said; the emotions that followed and the hold I knew he still had over me. The whole time Amy sat silently, nodding when necessary, always keeping a hand on me. It was as if she was trying to make sure I would keep it together and not fall apart, crumbling into an even bigger mess.
"You haven't really ever dealt with Stefan's loss in your life, Grey."
"What are you talking about? Of course I have!" I argued, sitting up from the fetal position, pressing my legs to my chest once more.
"Not really. You have moved on, in relationships and with your career. On the outside you are doing it all right. It's what you're not doing on the inside that has kept you from truly moving forward."
I opened my mouth to fight her, but snapped it shut. "What do you mean by, I haven't done it on the inside?"
Amy sat up straight, folded her hands in her lap and looked at me for a moment. Nothing was said, but I didn't press it. Amy frequently gathered her thoughts in silence before speaking out loud. A skill I wish I had.
"You come in here and you don't talk about your past. In fact, you will go out of your way to avoid it. Every week when you come in you tell me about only the good in your life. Now, there is nothing wrong with that and I'm so happy you have great things in your life. The trouble is that isn't going to help you. You have experienced very traumatic things in your life, Grey. Things that some people won't experience in a lifetime." Thanks for reminding me.
"No person can recover so gracefully without the memories sitting in your mind. But I don't see you working through what you've been through, I see you pushing it further into the darkness. Leaving it to stew in your mind and there is no way that can be good for you. That is why, when you saw Stefan again, it all came back. Everything you ever were and ever wanted to be. You are a different person now than you were when you were with him, Grey. As a woman you have grown, and I've seen that because I've been right here meeting with you every week."
Never before had Amy been so blunt with me. Our conversations were simple and felt more like two old friends that met up every week for coffee. Except those two friends weren't very close and talked only about the obvious facts of one's life. I wasn't too sure how much I liked this more open side, but on the other hand-it felt good. Having someone who knew me so well and really give it to me straight. Especially since no one in my life really knew me anymore.
"When you saw Stefan you were reminded of every painful memory; why you were with him and how it felt to no longer have him. As difficult as that had to have been for you it needed to happen, Grey. You can't live your life on the surface when you have so much buried in the deep. Because one day if everything isn't fantastic for you, you will drown in the weight of the overflow of everything."
We sat there in silence, as every honest and upsetting word sunk deep into my psyche. As much as I hated to admit it-Amy was right. But it still wasn't going to be easy to let it go and move forward like nothing happened. So maybe I couldn't recite all of my feelings, but there was one thing I could admit to. My hands fanned out over the brown microfiber couch that sat beneath me. I felt the soothing fabric against my fingers and I let out a sigh.
"I come here because it's a comforting reminder. When I'm here I don't feel so alone in my heart. Stefan and I used to come here together for therapy, sit in this very spot while we tried to hold onto what we had. You knew the two of us, and right now there are very few in my life that even know what used to exist between us. I've moved on from Stefan, but sometimes it's hard to let everything go, because if I let go of everything I … " My voice cracked, and I knew nothing else was coming out