The soft drops of rain pinged on the crimson awning that was put up today in preparation for the poor weather. It was kind of the groundskeepers to think of us, but a piece of fabric wasn't going to keep the storm away. The Priest spoke in a low even tone; words of remembrance, words of praise, giving little Allie a proper goodbye.
But I tuned it all out. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. Not yet, it was just too soon.
Surrounding us was my family, friends of ours, and a few other people that knew and loved my sweet angel. I knew I would have to thank them later, but right now I could do nothing but cry.
Tears streamed down my cheeks as a lump in my throat let me know it wouldn't end anytime soon. Everything hurt and it felt like nothing could make it better. My mother cried into my father's chest, my brother's head was hung while Cara rubbed his back while tears slowly fell from her face. Heat from my friends' bodies radiated onto my back letting me know they were there but in my heart-I felt nothing. My arms wrapped around my stomach as I stared at the beautifully bright and colorful roses lying across the top of the silver casket. I knew she would have loved them; her eyes would have twinkled and her fingers would have reached to touch them. My heavy eyes looked from the flowers to my plain black shoes as tears rolled from my cheeks, becoming hidden in the rain. In my heart this meant even the Heavens were crying for us.
Allie was an angel and there was no doubt about that, but it wasn't time for her to go home. My insides twisted and flipped as another fresh wave of tears made their way out. The eulogy pressed on, but the pain in my soul was too loud to hear the words; that is, until he spoke the words I asked to be a part of his sermon. The words were written by A.A. Milne, the creator of Allie's favorite bear, Winnie the Pooh.
"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever."
I lost it. My chest heaved up and down as I longed for the one thing I couldn't have anymore. For the first time since we arrived at the permanent resting place of my little girl, I looked up into Stefan's face. Since I awoke in the hospital, I didn't know who he was. He had been distant and cold, never saying much and avoiding any physical contact with me. I had been respecting his demeanor, but this was different-I needed my husband.
I needed my best friend.
My hands reached out, circling around Stefan's arm as my eyes bore a hole into the side of his head. Begging silently for him to look at me, to love me and hold me. Never in my life had I required his support and compassion more than in this moment. Yet now I could hardly believe this was the same man I had spent the last few years with. His head shifted ever so slightly while his blue eyes looked from the coffin to my pathetic expression. The blues of his eyes usually warmed my heart from the moment I saw them.
Not this time. I had never seen a detached stare fill his eyes like this before. As much as I wanted to move away from this unnaturally cold version of my husband, I didn't.
I felt the tears escape the floodgates, but he remained unchanged and unmoving. Whenever I had cried in front of him before, he was always the first to wipe the tears away. This time he stared at me, blinked and averted his attention back to the Priest, as if he was nothing more than a stranger to the beautiful child about to be lowered into the ground. I buried my face into his chest and let out completely new sobs.
In that moment, deep in my soul, I could feel that nothing would ever be the same. The Priest commenced his eulogy and said his goodbyes. My friends rubbed my back and said things to me that I didn't hear. My family crushed my cold and hurting body into their chests, but I didn't feel it. In my mind all I could feel were my hands firmly locked around Stefan's arm. He didn't move and I refused to let him go.
Our loved ones were backing away to give us our last moments together as a family. What they didn't know was I knew deep down that I was holding onto my family for dear life. The Stefan I knew would have had his arms around me from the moment I opened my eyes in the hospital. I would never have to cling to him as if the instant I let go he would disappear. Because I could sense the moment I released his arm that I'd be letting him go.
"Stefan?" I choked out in a sob. My eyes once again locked on the side of his face, praying that he would come back to me.
He looked my way, but honestly, I didn't know if he was seeing me at all.
"Stefan," I said again. His mouth twitched slightly, but the rest of him remained stoic and unchanged.
"Talk to me," I whispered.