My chest heaved as I assessed the last few minutes. This wasn't all his fault. I drove here. I flirted incessantly and I kissed him back. He may have egged it on, but I was the instigator.
"I do." I answered. "We can't just be near each other without our senses running wild."
"I'm trying." He pleaded with me. I saw his fear take over. He reached out for me but I backed away.
"I know you are, Stef. This isn't your fault. It's mine. I'm just … confused. I don't know." Stefan's face showed genuine bewilderment.
My head hurt with the overwhelming emotions swirling around. "Why did I come?" I looked to him but the question was meant only for myself.
"Because … " He searched his mind for an answer. "Because we're friends, Grey."
"No, I've never gone to see Kacie or Tyler and had a reaction anywhere near as intense as this."
"What are you saying?"
Shaking my head I looked back into his face. "I don't know, but I have to go home and clear my head."
I moved back into the far corner of the elevator; trying to close myself off to his touch as much as I possibly could.
"Please, don't go."
Looking square into his heartbroken expression I replied, "This isn't goodbye, Stefan."
I stepped to the threshold and reached across, slowly tracing my fingers down his face. His eyelids fluttered as he forced himself to keep them open.
Backing away I pushed the button to the first floor and as the doors began to close I whispered, "I promise."
What the hell was that?
What was I doing? Stefan being in my life was something that wouldn't change. Not because I couldn't get rid of him, because I didn't want to let him go. It felt right to have him back. The world felt right. The feeling soothed my soul and the force his presence gave had the power to move the stars. The veil had been lifted from my eyes, and now being blissful in ignorance was no longer an option. Before Stefan came back I could just pretend the tragedies in my past were only bad dreams. There was no way to return to that mindset after the shadows faded away; shining light on all that was meant to stay hidden.
It was my fault and it was my duty to correct it. I wouldn't let our ending come if there was still a chance to salvage our middle.
Curled up in bed I sent two final messages before turning my phone off for the night.
Me: Hope work is treating you well, baby. I miss you very much and can't wait to have you next to me in bed tomorrow night. Goodnight. Love you!
Me: Stef, please, don't take this out on yourself. I'm not. This was my fault and I want to keep you in my life as my friend. I need you and I love being able to talk to you and see you whenever I want. We just need boundaries. I'd like to see you again, but not tomorrow. I need to get my head on straight. But soon. I promise.
Getting my head on straight the following day at work didn't necessarily happen. I waited for Stefan to appear, even though he specifically said in his text that morning, that he promised to stay away until I said. Just as long as I promised it wasn't my way of just getting rid of him. I had assured him I would not do that to him especially not in that way. None of that stopped my attention from fixating on the clock at least a hundred times before noon.
The others asked about where Stefan was, and if something had happened. Keeping my answer from becoming flustered and incoherent was an even greater challenge than not watching the time. Some questions required only a simple answer, but no answer was that effortless when it came to the Brooks' sisters. Despite the few dodgy glances between them when a response became complicated, things were alright.
The best part was I didn't have to return to an empty house when my shift ended. Richard and I had a delightful evening; including dinner, and catching up on how our days had been going. We even decided to watch one of the movies we never got around to watching after buying it.
Friday morning I woke up planning to spend my entire day doing whatever Richard wanted. It didn't matter if it was going on a walk, for a drive, or even just napping. Just as long as I gave him the time I should every chance we had. Instead, I learned he had a brunch planned with old med school buddies. He anticipated it taking a few hours at the least, and even though he neglected to put it on our calendar, I didn't throw a fit.
There was only one thing that genuinely bothered me about the entire thing. Never once did he ask me if I wanted to join him. Of course I would never fully understand all the inside jokes, or the more technical terms they were likely to use. None of that mattered to me, I only wanted to be included. Richard was honest and faithful but sometimes the biggest problem we had was his natural reaction to forget me completely during the little pieces of his life.