Wes pauses at the entrance to my room while I walk inside, leaning on the side of the door. "You," he says. I stop and turn to look him in the eyes. "Someone could want you."
I suck in my bottom lip and nod. This is why I need him here today, for this.
"Come inside," I say, patting the top of my mattress. I crouch down and slide out a plastic bin where I keep my secrets, and I take my place next to Wes on the bed, pulling the lid free and tossing it to the side.
The first thing I pull out are the few letters I have paper-clipped together. I unfold the one on top because it's the most recently written. I penned this one when I was fourteen. I hand it to Wes and watch his eyes while he reads over the pathetic, desperate words of a naïve young girl.
"You wrote this," he says.
I nod.
"To your mom," he continues.
I nod again.
All of the letters are the same. I only wrote maybe five or six of them over the years, always late at night, always when I was at my lowest, when I wanted answers. I poured my anger and hurt into each one, asking her why she left, why she didn't love me, where she went, and if she had a family she liked better. I never signed the letters, because I never really intended on sending them. I'd write them until I slipped into slumber, or worse-until I was high.
I pull the small wooden box out from the bin next, twisting the tiny lock with the three-number combination. I stole the box from Taryn's sister-she used to hide her weed in it. I used it to hide pills.
I hand the box to Wes, the lid now open, and he pulls a few bottles out with names that aren't mine. There's a bag with a few blue pills inside too-oxy or some other prescription pill strong enough to make me sleep heavily and float in numbness for hours. The Ritalin bottles are almost empty. Those were my favorite. He shakes the few tiny pills left and twists the bottle in his hand so the label faces me. He doesn't ask, but he looks at me.
That look-it's heartbreaking.
"That's what I was at the elementary school for that day-the day I met you and your brothers. I was hoping this guy would show up who sells. He's always at the school," I say, taking the bottle from his hand and running my thumb over the rough edge of the lid. "I know you saw some of these-that one night, in our bathroom cabinet. There were more, I … I did more than just take a few pills to sleep. I took lots of pills. I hid them. And I was almost out, so I went to find more."
His silence burns in my chest, but I keep speaking. I want him to know all of me-even the ugly parts.
"I wrote my last letter that night. It was the most honest letter I'd written, so I burned it when I was done. I hate my mother for leaving us. And now she's dead."
His movement is slow and careful. Wes lays out the rest of the things in the small box-a photo of my father and me, the stack of letters and the pen I'd used to write, the ink now dry. Then he dumps the few remaining pills out on the mattress, gliding his hand over them as if he's spreading out ingredients. I've done this too-so many times-spread out my options to leave the pain. I've come so close to pushing the limits.
"I haven't taken anything in months. But I could never get myself to throw it away. I wanted the safety net of the escape," I say, my eyes coming up to meet his, my raw and most embarrassing secrets spread out between us. "But now I have you. I come to you, Wes. I went to Kyle because I thought he would let me fall into this … my old comfort, for just a while. But then I saw you-you showed up at his house. And you were all I wanted and needed."
"Kyle wouldn't have let you," Wes says, his head falling to the side. "He … " Wes swallows hard. "He loves you too much."
I suck in a breath hearing him say something I already know. My eyes stay on his.
"He told me," Wes says, his attention looking back to the bedspread, to my addictions.
"I'm sorry," I say, guilt that I've broken Kyle's heart hitting me like a bullet in the gut. "I'm not sure why he told you that."
"Because he asked me if I loved you just as much. He wanted to make sure I was for real, that I was in this for real," Wes says, his hand gathering my things and stuffing them back inside the small box. He closes the lid and holds the box tightly in both palms.
"What … what did you say?" My body is pounding nervously, my heartbeat felt in my fingers, toes, and head-the rhythm wild.
Wes sets my past to the side and moves closer to me, his hand sweeping my hair behind my ear and his head coming to rest against mine.
"I told him the truth. You had me the first time I saw you, and I'll be in love with Josselyn Grace Winters until I die."
I draw in a long, deep breath, and the pain that I've felt in the middle of my chest since the moment my father told me about my mom subsides just a little-relief comes for this moment, and I consume it. My eyes close as Wes traces his thumb over my cheek in a slow pattern.
"You said you memorized my name. In class, when we were young. My full name. Why? Why were you waiting to hear my name? What was it about me?"
I feel Wes breathe in, the weight of his body balanced where our heads touch. His head rolls slightly back and forth.
"You sat at my table the first day I started at that school. Do you remember?" His voice is low. I shake my head because I don't. I remember slices of time with him-small interactions and things I wish I could take back-and then I remember how he took care of me when I needed someone most. That's when Wesley Christopher became the ruler of my heart. I regret it hadn't happened sooner.
He chuckles softly.
"I get it," he says. "I was a freak. I know. Weird kid who didn't talk. I wore the same clothes every day. My life then … it was pretty awful."
"I'm so sorry," I say, but his thumb finds my mouth, the pad running over my bottom lip as he quiets me.
"No, it's … don't be," he says, lifting his head up from mine, his hands cupping my face as he looks over me, adoringly. His mouth shifts into a soft smile. "That first lunch, when you sat next to me, I wanted to talk to you so badly. Introduce myself, or something. I don't know. I didn't know how, though. I was wearing these clothes that didn't fit, stuff the Woodmansees gave me that didn't fit their real kids anymore. The shirt had a stain on it, and I was embarrassed. So I sat there quietly."
"You hummed," I smirk. His eyes widen, and I feel bad instantly. "It was cute. Don't be embarrassed."
He rubs his hand over his face.
"It was weird, but you're sweet to call it cute," he says. He lays back and twists to his side, propping his head up on his elbow. I do the same.
"The next day at school, I had to wear the same clothes. I didn't have a choice. I wore whatever the Woodmansees put out for me. And they pulled my clothes from the dirty pile and flattened them on the floor next to my sleeping bag, said they'd be fine to wear one more day," he says, his eyes blinking as he looks down to my bedspread, his hand sliding the distance between us along the cloth. His lip ticks up on one side as his eyes meet mine again. "Kids are mean. I showed up in the same clothes, and some of the boys picked up on it right away. I had to walk to school because there wasn't enough room in the car for us all. And when I started walking through the bike-rack area, a few of the boys pushed me over the rack, tripping me and pulling on my clothes."
"They ripped your shirt," I say, my own voice surprising me.
I remember. When he tells the story, the vision in my head fills in the rest. For me, it was just a regular morning-only a few boys were starting to pick on some kid, knocking my bike over in their quest to be mean. I screamed at them, and kicked the main boy in the knee, telling him he broke my bike. He didn't, but the fact that he knocked it over pissed me off. My bike was new-my dad had just bought it for me. When they knocked it over, the paint chipped. The boys started laughing at me, and Christopher shoved one of them, telling them to stop. That's when they started hurting him for real. That's when they ripped his shirt. And that's when I got sent home early from school for fighting because I leapt on the main assaulter, my fists pounding at his head and back until he got off Christopher and left him alone.
When it began, it was about my bike. But then it became about the boy being hurt and my need to save him.
"You fought for me," he says, the faint smile drawing me close. I move toward him, my head nestling into his chest, his arms circling me. "This scrappy, scratchy, tough-as-hell girl was fighting for me! Nobody had ever done that."
"I should have fought more," I say, thinking of how Taryn and I made fun of him sometimes, how we dared each other to sit near him for a full minute. All he wanted was my attention, and I toyed with him. "I'm sorry if I ever … "