A Boy I Used to Love(81)

        
We sat in silence for a few minutes.

Then I said, "If you need help with anything, let me know. The services, with the house, all that stuff. Whatever you decide."

"I just want to be here right now," Axel said. "This moment. Not think about everything. It wasn't easy growing up, man. My old man was vicious. It was almost a blessing when he croaked. I thought my mother would thrive then. But she didn't. She missed him. All that abuse and shit and she still missed him. I always held that in tight."

"I'm glad you're getting it out," I said.

"I always bottle things up. Ask my ex-wife." Axel snorted. "Fuck."

"Hey, just be here, right?" I asked. "Just be here."

We finished the beer and I didn't order another one. I wasn't going to keep drinking. Axel could drown himself and then I'd find a way to get him home.

I called Pecker over to the back of the bar.

"He's in rough shape," Pecker said.

"Yeah. His mother died today."

"Shit."

"Listen," I said. "He rode his motorcycle here. Lacey took my truck. I need to get his ass home and in bed soon."

"You want my truck then," Pecker said.

"Bingo."

"You know, I'm a goddamn bartender. I don't break up fights. I don't do therapy. I'm not a rental car place."

"You're a friend," I said. "And if you want Axel on the road right now … "

"Ah, fuck," Pecker said.

He grabbed his keys and gave them to me. I walked back to the bar and ordered Axel one more shot.

"After this you need to ease up," I said. "You're going to need to face this and figure out what to do. I know your sister is taking off and I'm sorry about that, too."

"I owe her an apology, too," Axel said. "I just can't stand when people act the way they do. Maybe that's why I'm divorced."

I laughed. "So, when I propose to Lacey, I shouldn't ask you for marriage advice?"

Axel laughed. "Hell no, brother. I was a shitty husband. I think she was a shitty wife, too. Maybe not. I guess I'll never know. Things were such a mess back then for me."

"Life," I said.

"Life," Axel agreed.

He raised his glass and I made a fist and tapped it against the glass.

Outside the bar, the screeching of a fire truck and its engine roared by.

Inside the bar, it was quiet. The two guys across the bar were still sitting there, casually glancing at us.

I thought about starting something with them but I feared if Axel got into another fight it would end up really bad. He was calm. He was having a few drinks. I needed to harvest that and keep things under wraps. 

"Hey, why don't we bolt out of here?" I said to Axel. "I'll cover the tab and we'll get you home."

"I rode my motorcycle here, brother."

"And you can leave it here. Pecker will take a good look after it for you."

"Fuck that."

"Listen to me, Axel. You can do any dumb shit you want. But getting hammered and getting on a motorcycle? Not going to happen. I'm not letting … "

The cry of an ambulance siren rang out and I saw the flashes of red light for a split second as it sped by the bar.

I pointed to the window and nodded.

"I'm not letting you hurt yourself or someone else."

It was sound advice.

Too bad it wasn't said to the person that t-boned Lacey while she was driving my truck.



I got Axel out back and he stood there and looked around. He fumbled for a cigarette and lit it up. I was in no rush for anything, at least not yet. The more I could let Axel find a sense of normalcy, the better. No matter what, he would have to face his mother's passing. He'd have to make arrangements and say goodbye. He'd have to sell her house. He'd have to figure it all out.

"Axel," I said. "Why didn't you tell anyone about your mother?"

He took a drag. "I don't know. When I got divorced, I became this victim, almost, you know? It was like everyone looked at me and wondered what I was thinking. Or doing. If I was unhappy. I couldn't just have a bad day, you know? I didn't want that this time: everyone constantly asking me how she was doing. St. Skin is my home. My life. My church. The ink, the art, the people, and stories …  man, that's a religion to me. I don't care how fucking stupid that sounds."

"It's not stupid, man. It's the truth. I'm sure you only shared all the stuff about your mother because of Lacey, but thank you for letting me in. I value that."

"Yeah, sure."

"And whatever you said to her that first time you met …  thank you. She came right to my place. I can't imagine my entire life without her. Ten years was long enough. The sting never went away."