A Boy I Used to Love(64)

I reached up and touched his face. "It does matter. I was lost then, too, River. I saw the way my parents were. I knew I was close to that life, and it scared me. The whole engagement thing came out of nowhere. I said yes. That was a big mistake. I fixed that mistake, too. It meant I had to stand up to my parents, and I left literally everything behind."



       
         
       
        

"Med school … "

"It's not a dream if it doesn't include you, River," I said.

"Ah, fuck, Lacey."

His strong arms wrapped around me and hugged me. "I'm so sorry you went through that."

"That wasn't it, River," I said.

I felt my throat wanting to close.

I broke away from him and took a few steps back.

"What is it?" he asked.

"There was someone else, too."

"That's okay," he said. "I've had a girlfriend almost every year. And I always broke it off right before the date that I was supposed to meet you. It's how I coped. I'm not exactly proud of that."

"River, I was with someone for a while," I said. "And it ended without him knowing the truth."

"Okay … "

I blinked fast and felt the tears starting to come. "I never got closure, River. He was killed in a car accident before I could tell him the truth."

I saw the look of surprise spread across his face. "Shit." Then came the disappointment. "What was the truth, Lacey?"

"That I never loved him like I loved you," I said. "That forever with me wasn't possible because I promised forever to someone else."

River just stared at me.

I couldn't tell if he was mad or not.

"Say something," I whispered. "Please."

River swallowed hard. "I can't believe all you've endured to get back to me."

"I love you, River," I said. "I meant it when I said it before. Years ago. Now. Forever."

I took a step toward him, but River put his hand out to stop me.

"Fuck. Lacey." He looked at me and shook his head. "I have something else to tell you."



River put distance between us.

I was getting nervous now.

"You knew I did time," he said. "After you left with your parents, it was all a big spiral. I told you the garage closed. I started fighting more. I had a chance to get back into boxing. Really go legit. The night I was told you were getting engaged, I skipped out of anything legit. And that's not your fault, Lacey. That's mine. I lived in this dark world because I couldn't give you what you needed. Not about want, darling. About need. I hated your parents for what they did, but I understood it. You were going to become a doctor. Have a husband. A house, kids, all that. That's a good kind of life to live, Lacey. See, when I got out and I got myself set up with a tattoo shop, things settled hard on me. I buried a couple more rings up on the mountain and I just … I lost myself really bad. I lost a lot of money. I was teetering on getting into trouble. And then came a woman. I fell for her. I actually fell for her pretty hard. I never thought it was possible to care after you but I did care. It wasn't the same but it was close, Lacey. Then she told me she was pregnant." 

I put a hand to my mouth. I gasped.

Pregnant? River's a father?

I felt ill.

He had gotten upset that I had been engaged. But he had a baby with another woman? Talk about really moving on.

"You're a father," I whispered.

"I was a father," he said.

"What does that mean?"

"She had a baby, but that baby wasn't mine," River said.

"Oh, River … "

"I just tried so hard to get over you, Lacey. And that felt like my way to do it. I got so hopeful that that was going to be it. This woman … she had this control over me or something. I would do anything for her. So I did. I had to get out of there. She was bringing heat on me and emotion that I couldn't take, so I shut it down. I sold everything I owned. The shop. Everything inside it. And I gave it all to her and took off. Somehow, I ended up at St. Skin, and Tate took a look at my portfolio and took a chance on me. I mean, I literally had a bag of clothes, a truck on its last leg, and a folder of my tattoos. That was it, Lacey."

"How did we get so fucked up?" I asked, just blurting the words out.

"Love," River said. That's when he moved from the kitchen to me again. He grabbed my arms and slid his hands down until his fingers were interlaced to mine. "Love, Lacey. That's what did it all. The kind of love that can either make your life or ruin it."