I threw the bottle back and chugged. One beer wasn't going to control how I felt. One beer wasn't going to hide my feelings. One beer wasn't to take away everything I had pent-up in me.
I stopped at the pile of firewood that Richie had dumped for me.
I put the beer down in the dirt and crouched.
I filled my arms to capacity and stood up.
As I walked around to the front of the cabin, I spotted Lacey. She was biting on her nail. Almost hugging herself, her index finger nail in her mouth.
Fuck.
The last time I saw her to do that, she had just gotten done telling me she was being forced to move to New York with her family.
I walked up the porch and into the cabin.
At the fireplace, I crouched and dumped the wood. I slowly piled it up piece by piece, wondering what to do next. Everything in my mind was all fucked up. I thought she'd show up ready for me. I'd give the ring. We'd have time together. Nothing but time.
But she was afraid of something. She was holding back, hiding herself.
Maybe she thought I would end up hurting her.
"Fuck," I whispered to myself.
I would never hurt her.
I would spend my life trying not to hurt her.
That's why I never …
I heard the soft, gentle roll of thunder outside.
I jumped up and hurried back outside.
I got another pile of firewood as I felt the first few raindrops hit my skin.
I dumped them back inside and came out for the rest.
By then, it was starting to really rain.
I looked up and couldn't believe how fast the storm had swept right in.
A small gust of wind whipped by me, making the rain go sideways for a couple seconds, smacking the side of the cabin.
The wind stopped, but the rain only came down harder and faster. Standing there like a fool meant the top pieces of wood were now too wet to try and burn. They'd just sizzle, bubble, and never really catch.
Lacey appeared from the front of the cabin, standing there in the rain.
No, no, no, no.
I couldn't see her like that. Standing there. The rain hitting her. Her beautiful hair soaking wet, clinging to her head, face, her clothes. Her white shirt was soaked too, pulling tighter against her womanly figure.
"I've been lost from the day I was forced to leave you," she said. "I'm afraid of being found, River, but I never want to go through being lost again. Call me what you want, but it's almost easier to convince myself it'll be okay even when I don't know that it will be okay."
I just stood there.
I swallowed hard.
"I almost died a few times, darlin'. Just wanting to give it all up. To find a way to lose myself for good. The only thing that kept me going through the worst of it all was coming here. To this spot. Standing there. Waiting for you. It was the one day of the year when I felt really alive."
"So, we just let all those years between us waste away? Never chasing each other down? What kind of love is that?"
Thunder slammed against the sky. The storm was getting closer. I gritted my teeth as I stared at Lacey. I wasn't falling in love with her again, because I never fell out of love with her. But seeing her standing there, the rain soaking her, it was like we were being washed clean of everything.
"I can't answer that question," I said. "I know why I did what I did. I can't change that."
"To protect me."
"I wanted you to have the best life possible. The house. The fence. The driveway. Whatever you wanted. A guy like me … "
"A guy like you who has lived his dreams," she said. "That's what I wanted. You, River. You!"
She came charging at me. The rain picked up even more. The sound of it hitting leaves, branches, the cabin. It was a loud swooshing sound at that point.
"Me? I'm standing right here, Lacey."
"But you weren't when I needed you!" she yelled.
Fuck, she was finally letting shit go. Letting shit out.
It was a beautiful sight, even if I was in the crosshairs.
"You were goddamn drunk!" she yelled.
She screamed over the rain. Over the thunder. A flash of lightening spread across the sky. A handful of seconds later, a crack of thunder shook the world so hard the ground shivered.
"You blurted out about meeting in ten years!" she said. "Ten fucking years! What was I supposed to do? Just walk away and pretend like it was okay? Like nothing bad was going to happen? And you wanted me to just … what? Stop loving you? Marry someone else? Fuck you, River. Fuck you!"
She jumped at me. Her hands smashed against the top pieces of wood. A piece smacked my bottom lip. Then her hands pushed at my shoulders, and she jumped up to hit me there. I purposely stumbled back, giving enough room between us that I could drop all the wood in my hands without having a piece hit her.