A Boy I Used to Love(34)

It made me think of Kyle.

He was a stupid ass who had gotten himself killed in a car accident.

Poor Kyle. His family liked me. He liked me. On the outside I was this perfect woman for him. I wasn't pushing for commitment. I wasn't hounding him about the future. We were just …  together. But it was all a lie. A big, fat lie.

I made it to the door and felt someone grab my arm.

When I spun around, I saw Karen as she started to move. But it wasn't Karen actually moving. It was my drunk eyes and drunk brain spinning.

"What are you doing?"

"I have to go," I said. "I can't be here, Karen. I'm sorry."

"Shit," she said. "I'm almost done here. I've got half an hour to go. Okay? Don't bail on me, Lacey. Don't do anything stupid. Sit down in a booth and I'll get you something to eat. Try to absorb some of the alcohol."

"No," I said.

"No?"

"I don't want food."

"You can't leave without me. So, what do you want?"

"I want another drink."



Karen sat me down on the couch. She put a bottle of water in one hand and two pills in the other.

"Poison?" I asked.

"To get you a head start on tomorrow's hangover," she said. She sat on the coffee table across from me. "You don't drink like this, Lacey. What's going on? Is this because of Kyle? Losing your job? What is it?"

I shook my head.

"It's because of River."

Just saying his name was like a dagger to my chest.

I took the pills and washed them down with water. The thought of another drink was enough to feel sick. Lucky for me I wasn't quite at that point yet. Close, but I had pulled myself away from the last drink, knowing what it would do to me.

"Okay," Lacey said. "I'll help you get to the guest bedroom. Come on."

Karen helped me to my feet. I stumbled my way through her apartment to the spare bedroom. She sat me on the bed and then went to get me a towel and a bucket. Just in case.

But I wouldn't need it.

"Come on," she said. "Take a deep breath and shut your eyes. You just need to sleep … "

"He was there," I said. "He was there and I left him there." 

"Who? What are you talking about?"

I laughed. "He wanted to propose to me. Ten years …  and he wanted to propose … "

"Lacey, you're not making any sense."

I kept laughing. And then like the flip of a switch I started to cry. My emotions were a mess.

"Oh, shit," Karen said. She sat on the bed next to me and ran her hand through my hair. "Talk to me. Tell me what's going on here."

I gave her the drunk rundown of how River and I agreed to meet up at that rock. How time flew right the hell by and that I always avoided that day with a vacation because I never knew if he'd actually show up or not.

"But he showed up," I said. "I took the drive and he was there."

"Oh," Karen said. "How did it go?"

"I got my car stuck in a ditch. He pulled me out. We kissed a few times. Then he took a shower. I found an engagement ring in his pocket. Then I left."

Karen had both eyes open wide.

Yeah, it sounded that crazy and it all was true.

"Yeah," I said.

"Why did you leave?"

"I freaked out," I said. "I couldn't stop getting angry. Over the entire thing. Why we let all those years get between us. He wanted me to become a doctor, find a man to marry, have kids. He wanted some kind of perfect life but I didn't get it."

"What did you want for him?" Karen asked.

"To come get me," I said, my voice cracking. "My parents tore me away from him. And no matter what I did, I thought of him. I couldn't find real love. I couldn't live the way I should have. Maybe that's my fault for hanging onto him so much. I should have let him go. But then I met Kyle and he was the calm in the storm."

"You loved him, right?"

I looked at Karen. My eyes filled with fresh tears.

"Oh, shit, Lacey," she whispered. She pulled me to her chest as I wept. "Shit. That's why it's hitting you so hard. You feel guilty about Kyle."

"Yes," I admitted. "So guilty. But he's gone. And River isn't. I left him, though. And I can't figure out why. I think it's the truth."

"What truth?" Karen asked.

"Everything we went through together. You can't just erase ten years. I'm so angry that he didn't come after me …  but I didn't go after him, either. I was taken from him. My parents made it clear that if I stayed with him they were going to cut me off."

"I know, I know," Karen said. "Look at me, Lacey."

I looked up at her. "What?"

"You either need to let it all go or figure it all out. There's no in-between. We both know we can't take back those years. You were somewhere else and shit didn't work out. I went through my own version of hell, too. If I think about it, yeah, it makes me angry. But if this guy showed up, that counts as something. The whole engagement ring thing? I don't know what that could mean."