A Boy I Used to Love(30)

Do you still love me?

The question lingered on my lips and tongue but I couldn't bring myself to ask it.

"You okay?" River asked me.



       
         
       
        

I nodded. "Yeah. Sorry. I had a question about the cabin."

"Okay … "

"Is this yours?"

"No. Someone I know built it. He lives up the mountain. By himself."

"Right," I said. "Sorry."

River walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind himself. That's when I finally felt like I could exhale. How could a man look like that and be single? He was gorgeous. The fighter who stole my innocence years ago was still there. There was just so much time to sort through and figure out.

I looked at the clothes on the floor.

The least I could do was try and clean some of the dirt off his jeans, right? It was my fault he ended up getting filthy anyway.

I grabbed the jeans and lifted them up.

Something fell from the pocket and hit the oval rug on the floor and rolled to the hardwood floor. It took me one glance to see the reflection off of the ring.

A diamond?

I dropped the jeans and crouched down, reaching for the item that fell from his jeans.

Sure enough, it was a ring.

It was a small diamond ring. A beautiful diamond ring. Nothing fancy.

Again, memories flooded me.

The conversations we used to have after we were done exploring each other's needs and wants.

"You'd look good wearing nothing but a diamond ring," River said with a wink. He took a drag of the cigarette and passed it to me.

"Oh yeah? You putting it on there?"

I took a drag. I only smoked when I was with him. Or if I was stressed out. I wasn't a real smoker or anything. I wasn't addicted. My body could only afford one addiction and that was River.

He grabbed my left hand and stroked my ring finger. "I'd love to put a ring there, darlin'. The heaviest diamond in the world. So anyone who sees it knows you're mine. And I don't fucking share."

I laughed. "Stop. I'm not that kind of girl, River."

We were maybe too young to have that kind of conversation, but it was fun. Nothing but fun. I knew that River didn't have money. He struggled to get by. I was struggling to figure out my next move with college and all that real-life stuff. The only thing that made sense was River.

"Then what kind of ring do you want?" he asked.

I shook his hand from mine and held my hand out. My body tingled from what River had done to me but it also tingled with a fresh sense of excitement.

"Small," I said. "A thin band, probably silver. And then a perfect little diamond. Nothing in your face, but enough that you know what it is. Why have anything fancy on the band, right? I just want a diamond."

"You got it," River said. 

I started to laugh.

River took the cigarette back and took a deep drag. As he spoke, smoked danced around him.

God, he was so fucking sexy.

"I'm serious, Lacey. I'm going to get you that ring … "

And there I was, all those years later, holding that ring.

It was beautiful.

It was perfect.

It was the exact ring I'd always wanted.

I had been proposed to once before in my life and the ring that was slid on my finger then was nothing like this one. That ring was an investment. This ring was a symbol of love.

"Love," I whispered.

I guess I had my answer from River then, right?

Before I knew what I was doing, I threw the ring onto the bed. I covered my mouth. My body and mind wanted me to rush into that bathroom, tear open the shower curtain, and put him on the spot.

Do you love me? Is that ring an engagement ring? Were you going to propose to me after ten years of not seeing me? If I mean that much …

Instead, I looked to the door and made my move.

I took off.

I ran out of the bedroom toward the front door of the cabin.

My keys were in my hand.

I hurried outside.

I took a deep breath, but it wasn't enough.

I ran down the steps and out to my car.

The emotions collected inside me more heavily than I ever thought they would. I didn't know whether to be angry, sad, happy, cry, scream, or throw a punch.

Ten fucking years of my life were gone now.

Ten years that I could never get back again.

And if River really felt the way he did …

I started the car and looked in the rearview mirror. I half expected the cabin door to open and see River come running out in nothing but a towel.

Tears filled my eyes.

It was a heavy burden to bear. The thought of all that had happened with Kyle. Had I loved him? Yes. But not in the same way that I loved River. And Kyle was gone without knowing the truth. And River was right inside the cabin not knowing the truth.