She swallowed, wishing he wasn’t touching her. The warmth of his hand threatened to dissolve the fragile hold she had on her emotions. “We had sex, Leo. To me, that’s pretty intimate. But I can see in retrospect that I was just a piece of your convalescent plan, not dictated by your doctor friend, I’m sure. Did it even cross your mind to worry about that?”
He hesitated, and she knew she had hit a nerve.
She saw him swallow. He ran a hand through his hair, unintentionally betraying his agitation. “The first time I was with you…in that way, I hadn’t had sex since my heart attack. And to be honest, not for several months before that. Do you want me to tell you I was scared shitless? Is that going to make you feel better?”
She knew it was the nature of men to fear weakness. And far worse was having someone witness that vulnerability. So she even understood his angry retort to some extent. But that didn’t make her any less despairing. “You haven’t taken any of this seriously, have you, Leo? You think you’re invincible and that your exile to Tennessee was just a momentary inconvenience. Do you even want to change your ways?” Coming to the office tonight said louder than words what he was thinking.
“It’s not that easy.”
“Nothing important ever is,” she whispered, her throat almost too tight for speech. She stood up and went to the window, blinking back tears. If he couldn’t admit that he needed a life outside of work, and if he couldn’t be honest with himself or with her, then he wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship she wanted.
In that moment, she knew that any feeble hope she had nurtured for intimacy with Leo, even in the short term, was futile. “May we leave now?” she asked, her emotions at the breaking point. “I’m tired. It’s been a long day.”
Twenty
Leo knew he had hurt Phoebe. Badly. But for the life of him, he couldn’t see a way to fix things. She disappeared into her room as soon as they got home from his office. The next day, they barely spoke. He fooled around on the internet and watched MSNBC and CNN, particularly the financial pundits.
Being in his office last night had unsettled him. The room had been cold and clinically clean, as if the last occupant had died and the desk was awaiting a new owner.
Somehow he’d thought he might get some kind of revelation about his life if he could stand where he’d once stood. As though in the very air itself he would be able to make sense of it all.
If he had gone straight home from the restaurant, he and Phoebe would no doubt have spent the night in bed dreaming up one way after another to lose themselves in pleasure.
Instead, his impulsive action had ruined everything.
He didn’t blame her for being upset. But if he had it to do over again, he still wouldn’t have told her about his heart attack. It wasn’t the kind of news a man shared with the woman he wanted to impress.
And there it was. He wanted to impress Phoebe. With his intellect, his entrepreneurial success, his life in general. As if by comparison she could and would see that her hermitlike retreat was not valid. That she was the one with lessons to learn.
As he remembered his brief time in Phoebe’s magical mountain home, suddenly, everything clicked into focus. The reason his office had seemed sterile and empty last night was not because Leo had been gone for several weeks. The odd feelings he had experienced were a reluctant recognition of the difference between his work domain and the warm, cheerful home Phoebe had created.
In the midst of her pain and heartbreak, she hadn’t become a bitter, angry woman. Instead, she had stretched her wings. She’d had the courage to step out in faith, trusting that she would find the answers she needed. Her solitude and new way of life had taught her valuable lessons about what was important. And she’d been willing to share her wisdom with Leo. But he had been too arrogant to accept that her experience could in any way shed light on his own life.
What a jackass he had been. He had lied to her by omission and all along had been patronizing about her simple existence. Instead of protecting his macho pride, he should have been begging her to help him make a new start.
He needed to find balance in his life. His brother, Luc, had managed that feat. Surely Leo could follow his example. And even beyond that, Leo needed Phoebe. More than he could ever have thought possible. But by his selfish actions, he had lost her. Perhaps forever. It would take every ounce of genius he possessed to win back her trust.
The magnitude of his failure was humbling. But as long as there was life, there was hope.
* * *
At his request, she consented to stay for the party. He knew she had booked a flight home for the following morning, because he had eavesdropped unashamedly at her door while she made the reservation.