“What happened, Phoebe?”
Closing her eyes, she saw the moment as if it had been yesterday. “I started bleeding at work one day. Terribly. They rushed me to the hospital, but I lost the baby. All I could think about when I was lying in that bed, touching my empty belly, was that Rick had been right.”
“You were young and healthy. I can’t imagine there was a reason you shouldn’t have been working.”
“That’s what my doctor said. She tried to reassure me, but I wasn’t hysterical. Just cold. So cold. They told me the baby had developed with an abnormality. I would never have carried it to term. One of those random, awful things.”
She didn’t cry again. The emptiness was too dry and deep for that…a dull, vague feeling of loss.
Leo lifted her onto his lap, turning her sideways so her cheek rested on his chest. His arms held her tightly, communicating without words his sympathy and his desire to comfort her. He brushed a stray hair from her forehead. “I’m so sorry, Phoebe.”
She shrugged. “Lots of people lose babies.”
“But usually not a fiancé at the same time. You lost everything. And that’s why you came here.”
“Yes. I was a coward. I couldn’t bear people staring at me with pity. And with Rick still working at the company, I knew I was done. My boss wasn’t happy about it. I think he would have liked to fire Rick and keep me, but you can’t terminate a guy for being a selfish, self-absorbed bastard.”
“I would have.” The three words encompassed an icy intensity that communicated his anger toward a man he had never met. “Your boss shouldn’t have been so spineless. You were good at your job, Phoebe. If you had stayed, you might have recovered from your loss much sooner. The work would have been a healthy distraction. Perhaps even fulfilling in a new way.”
Here was the crux of the matter. “The thing is,” she said slowly. “I have my doubts. Looking back, I can see that I had all the makings of a workaholic. It’s bad enough when a man falls into that trap. But women are traditionally the caregivers, the support system for a spouse or a family. So even though the doctor told me I had done nothing wrong, I felt as if I had betrayed my child by working nonstop.”
Leo’s arms tightened around her, his chest heaving in a startled inhalation. “Good Lord, Phoebe. That’s totally irrational. You were an unencumbered woman on the upswing of your career. Female pioneers have fought for decades so you could be exactly where you were.”
“And yet we still have battles within the sisterhood between stay-at-home moms and those who work outside the home. I’ve seen both groups sneer at each other as though one choice is more admirable than the other.”
“I’ll give you that one. In reality, though, I assume women work for many reasons. Fulfillment. Excitement. Or in some cases, simply to put food on the table.”
“But it’s about balance, Leo. And I had none. It’s not true that women can have it all. Life is about choices. We only have twenty-four hours in a day. That never changes. So if I don’t learn how to fit work into a box of the appropriate size, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to go back.”
“That’s it, then? You’re never going to be employed again? Despite the fact that you’ve been gifted with financial talents and people skills?”
“I’d like to have a family someday. And even more importantly, find peace and contentment in the way I live my life. Is that so wrong?”
“How are you supposed to accomplish that by hiding out? Phoebe, you’re not doing what you’re good at…and borrowing a baby from your sister isn’t exactly going after what you want.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready yet. It sounds like a cliché, but I’ve been trying to find myself. And hopefully in the process learning something about balance.”
“We all have to live in the real world. Most of the life lessons I’ve learned have come via failure.”
“Well, that’s depressing.”
“Not at all. You have to trust yourself again.”
“And if I crash and burn?”
“Then you’ll pick yourself up and start over one more time. You’re more resilient than you think.”
Fourteen
Leo was more bothered by Phoebe’s soul-searching than he should have been. Her self-evaluation proved her to be far more courageous than he was in facing up to painful truths. But in his gut, he believed she was missing the bigger picture. Phoebe had clearly excelled in her previous career. And had loved the work, even with overt competition…perhaps because of it.