The Hard Truth About Sunshine(8)

"Well, I've always had a list of things I wanted to do in life before I knew I had cancer." I take a quick peek at Jillian and see she's listening intently. "But it's been narrowed down quite a bit since this last round of chemo wasn't effective."

This is the first time I've conversed with Connor about his impending death, and it's not as awkward as I thought it would be. I'll never admit it to him, but I've been a bit impressed at his level of maturity and grace given that he's not even technically an adult yet.

"What else is on your list?" Jillian asks as she flips the bacon she's got going in the pan. My gaze slides over to Barb. Her head is now raised as she listens to the conversation, although she looks bored by it.

"Let's see," Connor says. "Obviously, one is seeing the Pacific Ocean, which is the biggest so I can say I've traveled across the country. But I'd also like to eat something really adventurous-like cow tongue-and I'd like to do something really scary …  like bungee jumping or skydiving."

Jillian laughs in delight. "I bet we could find those things along the way. The bigger cities will have restaurants with weird cuisine, and we'll Google a place where you can maybe do a tandem jump."

"I'll do that with you," I add in, because I'd totally love to skydive. Bungee jumping is out because of the leg straps. Hate to have my leg pop off and freak everyone out.

"What else is on that list?" Jillian asks, still working the bacon over and I can see it turning a nice, crispy brown. I love crispy bacon and have to say, I'm glad she's taking the extra time with it.

"Hmm," Connor says, placing his chin in the palm of his hand as he ponders. His eyes immediately light up with a mischievous glow. "I know …  I've always wanted to go egging."

"Egging?" Jillian asks curiously.

"Yeah, you know …  where you go and throw eggs at people's houses," Connor says as he sits up straighter and turns to me. "You ever done that?"

"Yup," I tell him. "Rite of passage where I come from."

"You seriously throw eggs at people's houses?" Jillian asks with a dumbfounded look on her face.

"You've never heard of that?" I ask her, surprised she's clueless about what we're talking about.

"No," she answers in disdain. "That's awful and mean."

"It's what kids do," I say dismissively.

"He's not a kid," she says with a maternal glare toward Connor.

He just grins back at her. "Come on, Jillian. I'm dying. It's a simple bucket-list request."

"We're doing it," I say with determination as I slap my hand on the picnic table. "Tonight …  after the baseball game. I'll take you egging."

"I'll go too," Barb says, and we turn to look at her in surprise.

She hops out of the Suburban, closes the door, and stomps her way over to us. Ripped camo shorts, her black combat boots, and a white tank top with no bra on underneath is her outfit of choice today. Her nipples poke out, but they do nothing for me. The angry goth vibe isn't appealing in the slightest.

Not that I wouldn't say no to a blow job. I could take one of those from just about any woman.         

     



 

But with a quick look at Connor, I see his eyes glued to Barb's chest. I'd bet a hundred dollars that Connor's a virgin, and I wonder if losing that virginity is on his bucket list. Maybe we can find him a hooker or something along the way.

Barb walks behind Connor and takes a seat on the bench to his right. Connor looks back to Jillian as she places the bacon on a plastic camp plate covered with paper towels. "You've got to come too, Jillian."

"Egging?" Her tone is completely disapproving, but there's a tiny smile playing on her face.

"Yes! Say you'll come," the kid practically begs.

"Fine," she says with a long, scornful sigh. "But I'm not throwing eggs."

"Goody two-shoes," I mutter automatically, and I actually jerk in surprise over my own tone of voice. Normally, that would have come out contemptuous and scathing. Instead, it was light and teasing, and …  what the fuck am I doing?

I'm actually fucking smiling at Jillian as I fucking joke around with her!

What. The. Fuck?

"I am not a goody two-shoes," she throws back at me with a glare, but I can hear the humor in her voice. She abruptly changes the subject. "Everyone good with scrambled eggs?"

A chorus of "yups" and head nods occur around the picnic table, and Jillian pulls out a plastic bowl and starts cracking the eggs in it.

"What's on your bucket list, Jillian?" Connor asks. "You know …  before you go blind."

Jillian doesn't look over at us but stays focused on her task. Her eyes and facial muscles remains lax, but there's a tiny bit of wistfulness in her expression. "I'd like to see amazing things. I'm excited to see the sun set on the Pacific. I've seen it rise my whole life in the east, but I want to watch it drop into the water. The Eiffel tower. I wish I could go to the top of the Eiffel Tower and see all of Paris. Or even the Taj Mahal. Or the Northern Lights."

"Think you'll get to do any of those?" Connor asks her. "Other than the sunset thing."

Jillian shakes her head. "Nah. I don't have that type of money and besides, my-"

She stops abruptly, and I can tell she was on the brink of sharing something she didn't want us to know about her. Instead, she surprises the hell out of me when she looks straight at Barb and says, "I'd like to get high at least once. That's on my bucket list too. I want to do it before I go blind, because I've heard it can cause paranoia, and I don't want that occurring without the ability to see. That would totally wig me out."

I can't help it. I bust out laughing, and Connor starts laughing right behind me. Sweet, innocent goody-two-shoes Jillian wants to smoke a joint.

She doesn't even bother to look at us. Instead, she keeps those lazy eyes on Barb. "Can I? Smoke one with you?"

I hear a cell phone ringing and pin it coming right from Jillian. She pulls it out of her pocket with one hand while the other holds an eggshell, looks at the screen, and then hits the button to send it to voice mail. Shoving it back in her pocket, she continues to break the remaining eggs into the bowl, and doesn't press Barb for an answer as to whether she'll let Jillian get high with her. But if she won't, I'll score something and give her that bucket-list wish.

It's silent for a moment until Barb says firmly, "I want to piss on a grave outside of Tulsa."

We stare at her with wide eyes and open mouths.

Although, it's to Jillian that she looks. "It's a bucket-list thing."

"Then we'll do it," Jillian says with a smile and nod of her head. She turns to me to ask my permission, but her tone says she expects me to agree with her. "We can budget that into the trip. Right, Christopher?"

Goddamn it.

That's going to add an entire extra day onto this craziness of a trip.

One more day than what I'd planned to spend with these losers, yet I'll have to admit …  I'm not as angry as I could be.





Chapter 7





Two weeks ago …

"I had a sister who died," Jillian said in a quiet voice. Connor made a sound of distress and reached out to squeeze her shoulder. Those two had become thick as thieves during our group sessions, which wasn't surprising since the two of them did eighty percent of the talking.

The other twenty percent was either me or Barb lashing out with derision because we were both assholes, and it was the only way we apparently knew how to deal with our pain.

Mags had taken to ignoring us when we did that, as had Jillian if the scorn was leveled at her. But the minute Barb or I directed something at Connor, her claws would come out and she'd lay into us. This would embarrass Connor greatly as Jillian never even gave him the opportunity to stand up for himself, but she couldn't see that. She was too busy trying to put Barb and me into our places.         

     



 

"What happened to her?" Mags asked softly.

I kept my head tucked down, staring at the tile floor, but I listened. I always listened when Jillian talked because she sounded harmonious, even otherworldly at times, with her sweet voice and cheerful disposition. There was no one in my world like that, and the oddity of it fascinated me.

"It was almost five years ago," Jillian said as she looked at Mags, one hand coming up to cross over her chest and pat Connor's hand at her shoulder in acknowledgment of his support. "We were vacationing in Emerald Isle, and she got caught in a rip current and drowned."

"I'm so sorry," Mags crooned at Jillian. "That had to be tough."

I'd looked up just in time to see Jillian nod in acknowledgment with a brave smile. "My parents took it really hard. They are still having a hard time with it."

"But what about you?" Mags pushed at her.

With a hard shake of her head, Jillian insisted, "It was worse on them than me. I mean, I loved Kelly and we were close, but she was their daughter. A parent isn't supposed to lose a child."

Connor bobbed his head in agreement at that.

"I understand that," Mags said in a deliberate voice. "But how did you grieve?"

"Silently," Jillian admitted. "Most of the time I had to bolster my parents."